So after being medicated since February or March and taking my meds successfully everyday (only missing one dose) My awesome greatness has come to an end. Many factors have come into play. I had hit a period in my treatment where my doctor had cleared me to not be seen for 3 months as my meds had balanced me out and I was doing really well after months of treatment. I was super excited and pretty sure I blogged about it.
Well since that time I had continued therapy, biweekly, venting about issues in my life... problems with my fiance, being overwhelmed with the kid in my life...etc... or the lack thereof. Since then, I haven't done therapy due to 90 hour work weeks (which everyone knows is way too much for any bipolar person to keep from cycling or hitting bottom) or falling victim to every stressor in their life.
I actually snapped at work (if you recall I work as a warehouse supervisor and am due to be laid off by the end of December...which just makes stress that much higher), but when I say snapped, I mean out of the ordinary for even my worst episode snapped, put my hands on someone and physically snapped, could have caught an assault charge snapped and as a person in a leadership position that is something I have a hard time forgiving myself for.
This particular day (it's been a month and a half ago now, since things have calmed down now and hell, I'll be lucky to have a job two weeks from now)-- things were stressful for everyone, we were in our 70th-some hour of the work week, deadlines were near being missed, product was missing, and since it is my job as inventory supervisor to find stuff, everyone was looking to me to find it. This is a little difficult considering that everything is done manually and that if a pallet is moved and not written down, then that's all she wrote it's "lost"... My boss, had started his new job at this point but was still coming to this one in the evenings to keep things "running smoothly" (OMG... that was a joke)... he always enjoyed pushing my buttons. He knew my situation (the bipolar thing and all), he always tried to push me over the edge, find a reason for me to have to take a Xanax to keep from losing it with him, he just like to push my buttons. He on this day went to far and just caught me at a bad time.
I was already at my wits end dealing with anything and everything that could have gone wrong when he came up behind me and yelled at the top of his lungs for the entire warehouse full of people to hear, I need to those boxes Tommy, GET ME THOSE BOXES, LIKE YESTERDAY, come on now... I turned and continued to do what I was doing which was helping an employee calm himself down (he was a forklift operator who was overly stressed and freaking out over the fact that the warehouse was so packed with product that he could barely drive the forklift down the aisle (we only had space for the forklifts to go one way down each side of the warehouse--it was ridiculous, so with pedestrian traffic it was really tough to move equipment through and a lot of our pallets were wider than the equipment at the time so I was trying to talk him down, because I knew how he was, he had worked with me the prior busy season and I knew how to handle him and get him through this tough time...)
It was then that my boss said some stupid shit, I couldn't even tell you what it was at this point, but it was enough to make me turn around, grab the buttons of his polo shirt with one hand, pull him into my face so that his face was level with mine and very clearly, and very seriously without flinching or blinking say GIVE ME A FUCKING REASON, GIVE ME A MOTHER FUCKING REASON... it wasn't until I heard the threads of his shirt rip and the button hit the floor that I realized what I had done and let go of him...
I would later find out that one of the leads (a 400 pound guy who I didn't know was capable of running, on a account he had spent the entire season leaning on a fan, had sprinted upstairs to get another supervisor and announce that I was in the process of killing the warehouse manager) it was scary for a lot of people apparently because they had never seen the rage side of me and hell, neither had I--at work.
Needless to say it's time to look into having my meds adjusted because I'm back into the depression side of things rather than the balanced. Good news is I haven't stopped taking the meds. Bad news is I don't have insurance so even if I get the meds adjusted I can't afford new ones. :( I have less than 30 days of meds left and then I'm out back... my meds are over a 700 or 1000 bucks a month without insurance and hell, i'm not going to pay for something that isn't working completely.
I finally went to the therapist two weeks ago, she pointed out that the anger, irritation, and just symptoms that I've been experiencing are definitely a part of the depression I'm going through, stuff that people around me know and see but that I fail to realize because well I'm living in my own personal hell right now. Worried about work, making my girl's life a living hell and starting shit with her again, even though she is bound and determined to stick by me, lol (that isn't funny or what I'm laughing at, you know it's just fucked up that I do this self sabotage thing and that I almost lost her again because I told her I was done... I was through and I really did think I meant it, but in the back of my mind I was scared shitless to be saying those words...) Unfortunately, I cycle the same time every year which falls around our anniversary, maybe we need to change our anniversary (but she can't get mad if I forget it, lol--I'm such a dude, ha)
I'm lucky to have her in my life, even if I am an asshole and can't focus on a relationship right now, she just has to know that me being with her, waking up next to her, spending time with her and the basic stuff is what I have right now, I have to get me back, just like she does, without two individuals, there is no "us"...
So yeah, depressed, scared shitless, still medicated, but its not working totally, but it's not NOT working completely so I'm going to go to the doctor on Dec 9th to tweek some things and see where we can go from there... OH did I mention that my doctor changed offices and didn't even notify me--yeah, imagine calling the doctors office to schedule an appointment and having to get her new office number AND NEVER BEING NOTIFIED WHAT THE FUCK. Yeah, I feel some kind of way and yeah, I will be bringing that up.
So there you have it. Happy friggin' holidays, lol.
Tuesday, November 29, 2011
Sunday, July 17, 2011
Just a random update
Yes to anyone reading this I am alive and I am well...mentally and physically... it is a wonderful thing to say this.
I finished a great book the other day called Where are the Cocoa Puffs by Karen Winter Shwartz or something like that about a family's journey dealing with bipolar disorder....it was pretty good--I liked it.
And I heard something that warmed my heart. I was telling my neighbor across the street (I've recently moved back in with my mom because my partner lost her job and my job is soon to come to an end because of a company buy out if I havent already mentioned that... so we didn't renew our lease and opted to crash at moms until we figure out our next move) Well my mom's neighbor across the street is also bipolar... she has always stayed on her meds religiously, but she was diagnosed much later in life that I was so perhaps that made it easier for her, i don't know--everyone's situations are different I suppose. But anyway, while talking to her and my mom on the back porch with my friend Julie, before heading over to my brothers house for a party he was having my mom urged me to tell the neighbor the awesome news about my meds... at that point I shared with her about how we had finally after 11 years found the perfect cocktail of medications for me and I've actually not missed a single dose in the almost 5 months of seeing the doctor I've been seeing... the neighbor shared in the excitement and even my mom seemed to glow which I found to be odd and I couldn't quite understand... Then she explained to the neighbor that after her schizophrenic brother had killed himself in 1999, (I was diagnosed I guess around 2000)... and the fact she could never get me to stick with any meds... it was a good 10 years that she was on pins and needs and had a sinking feeling in her stomach worring that she'd get a phone call that I had done the same thing...because lets face it a good majority of bipolar people do end up killing themselves. So to hear how much relief me being on and sticking with my meds was bringing my mom really did make me feel good... I was like, damn, if I had only ever thought of anyone else maybe this whole journey would have been a little easier, but the problem was, it wasn't that I was ever being selfish... it truly was that my brain never gave me that option...does that make sense.
On top of that my partner has been going through some serious shit. She did finally get a job, but she hates it. She's had a constant black cloud around her and has been a total debbie downer...she's constantly snapping and yelling at me and just on edge ALL the time... she's picked up "stress" smoking, though looking at the number of cigarettes left in the pack it seems to be more serious in my opinion and I guess that I just always assumed that when I started feeling better and got "balanced" that she'd be happy at the same time you know and unfortunately that isn't the case... I finally had to tell her the other night after she questioned why I took a xanax at work the other day (she had called shortly after I took one and wanted to know why I sounded differently, lol so I told her)...
I explained that on a scale from 1 to 10 one being depressed and ten being manic the type of bipolar i have I've always hung out closer to 1...and no matter how much medication I have pumping through my veins I could very easily get sucked right back into the 1 range if I'm constantly surrounded by her downer attituded, her constant yelling at me and I can't do anything right attitude and that I love her and want to be there for, but I've come to terms with the fact that I'm at a point where i have to throw my hands up and walk away from whatever the hell she's going through and let her work it out on her own... I said it's just like me not drinking... I said I could probably have A beer and not die... I said but because i finally have the right combination of meds in my system, I'm too fucking scared to risk that something as simple as one beer or one glass of wine could fuck up the whole chemical utopia I have happening inside of me and I just refuse to take that chance...
I told her that I understand she's going through shit and that I truly do want to be there for her and want to make her feel better, but that I've tried everything I can to do that and at this point, I'm just tired of feeling like shit and a failure right along next to her. It's shitty to say it like that... because in reality this is the only woman I've ever wanted to work through anything with...anybody else I would have just tossed to the side...
Hell she's the reason I'm on medication... after my last manic phase... the one that caused me to do dumb shit that tore our relationship apart...it caused me to realize the sabotage I was doing to myself and to us... and well it was her that when i did accept the fact that I need help and I need meds said, hey... if you ever stop taking meds, I'm gone... which I dont doubt she would be. So I've talked to my doctor and she knows that there is the chance I'll lose my insurance, if that happens she's got a program in place where I can continue to get my meds and she said she will work something out to where I can continue to see her...even my therapist agreed to continue seeing me if I lose my insurance due to this company buyout thing... I just think that's awesome...
The past couple of days since the scale of 1 to ten conversation my partner/fiance has come home in a much better frame of mind... I don't know if she is just doing it for my benefit or if she is truly feeling better...I hope it's because she is truly beginning to feel better...but I am starting to see the old her... I don't want to lose her, but I had for a while to a dark place and I feared there was no getting her back. I think at this point it is a time will tell mission.
I finished a great book the other day called Where are the Cocoa Puffs by Karen Winter Shwartz or something like that about a family's journey dealing with bipolar disorder....it was pretty good--I liked it.
And I heard something that warmed my heart. I was telling my neighbor across the street (I've recently moved back in with my mom because my partner lost her job and my job is soon to come to an end because of a company buy out if I havent already mentioned that... so we didn't renew our lease and opted to crash at moms until we figure out our next move) Well my mom's neighbor across the street is also bipolar... she has always stayed on her meds religiously, but she was diagnosed much later in life that I was so perhaps that made it easier for her, i don't know--everyone's situations are different I suppose. But anyway, while talking to her and my mom on the back porch with my friend Julie, before heading over to my brothers house for a party he was having my mom urged me to tell the neighbor the awesome news about my meds... at that point I shared with her about how we had finally after 11 years found the perfect cocktail of medications for me and I've actually not missed a single dose in the almost 5 months of seeing the doctor I've been seeing... the neighbor shared in the excitement and even my mom seemed to glow which I found to be odd and I couldn't quite understand... Then she explained to the neighbor that after her schizophrenic brother had killed himself in 1999, (I was diagnosed I guess around 2000)... and the fact she could never get me to stick with any meds... it was a good 10 years that she was on pins and needs and had a sinking feeling in her stomach worring that she'd get a phone call that I had done the same thing...because lets face it a good majority of bipolar people do end up killing themselves. So to hear how much relief me being on and sticking with my meds was bringing my mom really did make me feel good... I was like, damn, if I had only ever thought of anyone else maybe this whole journey would have been a little easier, but the problem was, it wasn't that I was ever being selfish... it truly was that my brain never gave me that option...does that make sense.
On top of that my partner has been going through some serious shit. She did finally get a job, but she hates it. She's had a constant black cloud around her and has been a total debbie downer...she's constantly snapping and yelling at me and just on edge ALL the time... she's picked up "stress" smoking, though looking at the number of cigarettes left in the pack it seems to be more serious in my opinion and I guess that I just always assumed that when I started feeling better and got "balanced" that she'd be happy at the same time you know and unfortunately that isn't the case... I finally had to tell her the other night after she questioned why I took a xanax at work the other day (she had called shortly after I took one and wanted to know why I sounded differently, lol so I told her)...
I explained that on a scale from 1 to 10 one being depressed and ten being manic the type of bipolar i have I've always hung out closer to 1...and no matter how much medication I have pumping through my veins I could very easily get sucked right back into the 1 range if I'm constantly surrounded by her downer attituded, her constant yelling at me and I can't do anything right attitude and that I love her and want to be there for, but I've come to terms with the fact that I'm at a point where i have to throw my hands up and walk away from whatever the hell she's going through and let her work it out on her own... I said it's just like me not drinking... I said I could probably have A beer and not die... I said but because i finally have the right combination of meds in my system, I'm too fucking scared to risk that something as simple as one beer or one glass of wine could fuck up the whole chemical utopia I have happening inside of me and I just refuse to take that chance...
I told her that I understand she's going through shit and that I truly do want to be there for her and want to make her feel better, but that I've tried everything I can to do that and at this point, I'm just tired of feeling like shit and a failure right along next to her. It's shitty to say it like that... because in reality this is the only woman I've ever wanted to work through anything with...anybody else I would have just tossed to the side...
Hell she's the reason I'm on medication... after my last manic phase... the one that caused me to do dumb shit that tore our relationship apart...it caused me to realize the sabotage I was doing to myself and to us... and well it was her that when i did accept the fact that I need help and I need meds said, hey... if you ever stop taking meds, I'm gone... which I dont doubt she would be. So I've talked to my doctor and she knows that there is the chance I'll lose my insurance, if that happens she's got a program in place where I can continue to get my meds and she said she will work something out to where I can continue to see her...even my therapist agreed to continue seeing me if I lose my insurance due to this company buyout thing... I just think that's awesome...
The past couple of days since the scale of 1 to ten conversation my partner/fiance has come home in a much better frame of mind... I don't know if she is just doing it for my benefit or if she is truly feeling better...I hope it's because she is truly beginning to feel better...but I am starting to see the old her... I don't want to lose her, but I had for a while to a dark place and I feared there was no getting her back. I think at this point it is a time will tell mission.
Monday, June 27, 2011
Celebration
People celebrate for many different reasons... I am celebrating something very special to me... AFTER 11 YEARS OF TRYING (though not consistently)... it would seem that for now at least my doctor and I have found the right balance of medications for me :) I have been cleared for now and don't have to go and see her for another three months (instead of every two to three weeks), unless something goes wrong and I feel like something is out of whack and then I can call and schedule an appointment any time before then.
This is a totally big deal for me... It took about 4 months but I got here :) I was patient and I did it :) this is a huge freaking step for me and I am soooooo excited. I just don't think anyone around me gets how big of a deal this really is, lol. My sister calls me regularly to tell me about her weight loss, she's down almost 70 pounds now, and sure I'm proud of her, though most of the time I'm sure she's just gloating at this point... so I called her to tell her of my psychological breath through... and I said, hey I might still be fat, but I'm balanced woohoo... she was like, yeah that's definitely better than fat and crazy. (bitch)
Fuck it... I'm happy. I'm proud of myself, even if no one else gets it. I've never been here before and this is a huge milestone for me. I haven't drank any alcohol in months and while I never really had a problem with it, I gave it up because I didn't want it to interfere with the medication(s) working... I haven't done any kind of drugs IN YEARS... my only problem now a days is food and not exercising so I guess after I finish moving and surviving the current stressors in my life... I will conquer those obstacles... because the thing that I used to consider an evil beast--medication, is now nothing more than a tamed teddy bear.
How exciting.
This is a totally big deal for me... It took about 4 months but I got here :) I was patient and I did it :) this is a huge freaking step for me and I am soooooo excited. I just don't think anyone around me gets how big of a deal this really is, lol. My sister calls me regularly to tell me about her weight loss, she's down almost 70 pounds now, and sure I'm proud of her, though most of the time I'm sure she's just gloating at this point... so I called her to tell her of my psychological breath through... and I said, hey I might still be fat, but I'm balanced woohoo... she was like, yeah that's definitely better than fat and crazy. (bitch)
Fuck it... I'm happy. I'm proud of myself, even if no one else gets it. I've never been here before and this is a huge milestone for me. I haven't drank any alcohol in months and while I never really had a problem with it, I gave it up because I didn't want it to interfere with the medication(s) working... I haven't done any kind of drugs IN YEARS... my only problem now a days is food and not exercising so I guess after I finish moving and surviving the current stressors in my life... I will conquer those obstacles... because the thing that I used to consider an evil beast--medication, is now nothing more than a tamed teddy bear.
How exciting.
Tuesday, June 21, 2011
sleep patterns
I've been taking my meds on a regular schedule...What I'm noticing lately and I think it's because of the amount of stress and anxiety I have on my plate right now (which I'm handling quite well, but may be affecting my sleep patterns).. .is the following...
5:00-6:30 am (closer to 6:30 am on my days off...)
100 mg Topamax
300 mg Wellbutrin
pill for acid reflux
B12
8:30-10:00 pm
300 mg Topamax
I'm thinking of pushing the Topamax to closer to maybe 6 or 7 to see if it won't make me more sleepy earlier in the evening because I'm finding myself laying in bed, my body wore our but my brain and eyeballs like wired and ready to go...
Then in the morning... I'm waking up ten to thirty minutes prior to my alarm going off... so getting up at like 4:30 in the morning... is RIDICULOUS, especially on days when you don't have work... AND NOT BEING ABLE TO GO BACK TO SLEEP EVEN MORE SO... but then needing a nap a few hours later and not being able to get one is crucial...
I have to go back to the doctor next Monday... she wanted to give me something to help me sleep then, but I didn't want it, if I tell her this she is probably going to insist... the thing is I'm still getting enough sleep, it's just weird... like right now I'm yawning and my body feels tired and my mind feels like it didn't get enough sleep because the stressors in my life right now are causing really vivid awful dreams so I'm not getting that normal coma like sleep that I get on these meds... and its been like that for a week now... I'm sure I'll figure it out...
5:00-6:30 am (closer to 6:30 am on my days off...)
100 mg Topamax
300 mg Wellbutrin
pill for acid reflux
B12
8:30-10:00 pm
300 mg Topamax
I'm thinking of pushing the Topamax to closer to maybe 6 or 7 to see if it won't make me more sleepy earlier in the evening because I'm finding myself laying in bed, my body wore our but my brain and eyeballs like wired and ready to go...
Then in the morning... I'm waking up ten to thirty minutes prior to my alarm going off... so getting up at like 4:30 in the morning... is RIDICULOUS, especially on days when you don't have work... AND NOT BEING ABLE TO GO BACK TO SLEEP EVEN MORE SO... but then needing a nap a few hours later and not being able to get one is crucial...
I have to go back to the doctor next Monday... she wanted to give me something to help me sleep then, but I didn't want it, if I tell her this she is probably going to insist... the thing is I'm still getting enough sleep, it's just weird... like right now I'm yawning and my body feels tired and my mind feels like it didn't get enough sleep because the stressors in my life right now are causing really vivid awful dreams so I'm not getting that normal coma like sleep that I get on these meds... and its been like that for a week now... I'm sure I'll figure it out...
Wednesday, June 15, 2011
Stress Management
Yesterday, after nearly a month of drama in her work place and a sense of lingering doom my partner was fired from her job... she had worked for her company for 13 years. On top of that she disclosed some details to me that while I'm not going to share them here would on a normal day, probably sent me over the edge...
But this wasn't a normal day. You see... this was a balanced day... these are becoming more of the norm, which is a good thing... so needless to say stress management is becoming more like second nature. Hell, yesterday my partner asked me how I was taking everything so calmly, how I was so positive about the whole thing; how after what she had just told me I wasn't ready to rip her head off...
Two things really: 1. Medication (the right dosage for me, getting there finally)... and 2. I thought back to my most recent episode of mania and all the shit I had put her through and how I'd be a complete and total hypocrite to flip my lid or call her out on something that she didn't even do on a scale nearly as bad as I had just done months prior...
I was more hurt to notice that she didn't come home with a painting I had done for her on her first birthday we celebrated together... I was already planning to go to work and ask someone to take it down and give it to me... later when I asked about it she told me a story about how months ago during a break up spell (our only one in three years (which happens to coincide with my only manic episode) while she was hurting, she destroyed the canvas and all that the canvas was... she had apparently forgot this fact until her assistant reminded her when she started looking for it because it wasn't up on the wall anymore... (I had been asking about it for a while)...
This is what it looked like: (at least I took at picture of it, lol... it's simple... I just like the colors of it)...
It's funny to me out of everything, I was most hurt that she destroyed something I made for her...not that she was fired, not the confession she told me, not anything from the entire day... just the fact that my artwork was a destroyed... I felt like a piece of me had been destroyed... a piece of me that I had given her... it's dumb I know, but that's how it felt at that moment...It can always be repainted should I choose to... it's just paint and canvas...At least my stress management is under control. Today there is a bit of an knot in my stomach and reality is setting in ... I'm a little anxious, but not to the point of a xanax by any means... I'm going to go do some manual labor in the warehouse to take my mind off of it. In time, this too shall pass.
But this wasn't a normal day. You see... this was a balanced day... these are becoming more of the norm, which is a good thing... so needless to say stress management is becoming more like second nature. Hell, yesterday my partner asked me how I was taking everything so calmly, how I was so positive about the whole thing; how after what she had just told me I wasn't ready to rip her head off...
Two things really: 1. Medication (the right dosage for me, getting there finally)... and 2. I thought back to my most recent episode of mania and all the shit I had put her through and how I'd be a complete and total hypocrite to flip my lid or call her out on something that she didn't even do on a scale nearly as bad as I had just done months prior...
I was more hurt to notice that she didn't come home with a painting I had done for her on her first birthday we celebrated together... I was already planning to go to work and ask someone to take it down and give it to me... later when I asked about it she told me a story about how months ago during a break up spell (our only one in three years (which happens to coincide with my only manic episode) while she was hurting, she destroyed the canvas and all that the canvas was... she had apparently forgot this fact until her assistant reminded her when she started looking for it because it wasn't up on the wall anymore... (I had been asking about it for a while)...
This is what it looked like: (at least I took at picture of it, lol... it's simple... I just like the colors of it)...
It's funny to me out of everything, I was most hurt that she destroyed something I made for her...not that she was fired, not the confession she told me, not anything from the entire day... just the fact that my artwork was a destroyed... I felt like a piece of me had been destroyed... a piece of me that I had given her... it's dumb I know, but that's how it felt at that moment...It can always be repainted should I choose to... it's just paint and canvas...At least my stress management is under control. Today there is a bit of an knot in my stomach and reality is setting in ... I'm a little anxious, but not to the point of a xanax by any means... I'm going to go do some manual labor in the warehouse to take my mind off of it. In time, this too shall pass.
Tuesday, June 7, 2011
Wellbutrin update
Okay... So I've been feeling good... not down at all, not agitated at all so that is all good... I have been thirsty as a bitch thought OH MY GOD... and considering its been in the nineties here and I work in a warehouse with no a/c which is always way hotter than it is outside you can imagine how more thirsty I am... I drank over three liters of water before three o'clock yesterday... but I'm just thirsty in general...
I'm having a hard time falling asleep...but I am still sleeping...it just takes me a while... but I'm happy and thats what matters... if it keeps up I'll just have to get something to help me sleep..
Overall I'm happy with it... I get a lil bit of nausea... here and there, but nothing serious, not a bad fit so far.
I'm having a hard time falling asleep...but I am still sleeping...it just takes me a while... but I'm happy and thats what matters... if it keeps up I'll just have to get something to help me sleep..
Overall I'm happy with it... I get a lil bit of nausea... here and there, but nothing serious, not a bad fit so far.
Thursday, June 2, 2011
some new stuff to the mix
Okay so I've had to add some new meds to the mix and while I don't LOVE the idea and I know that it all has a purpose in the long run. I sat with my psychiatrist yesterday and had a quasi-meltdown... I sat there in tears and explained to her that everything that I had just explained to her two weeks prior was much worse and how I hated being a control freak who was in fact NEVER IN FUCKING CONTROL.
This is a problem. Granted, I'm not at my lowest... I don't want to get there. I guess the fact that I'm much more depressed here lately than I have been has me concerned and just down right freaked the hell out because I feel like if this lingering sense of doom has been following me around for a while now, what the hell is keeping it from smothering me and turning into a full on episode and consuming me--taking on the form of a riptide to which no life guard can save me... this is very scary stuff. Apparently, I've had way too much time to be alone with my thoughts... way too much time, lol.
So anyway, back to the point... I explained to her that I was still overly agitated... I mean hell, I'm picking fights with me and my partner's seven year old son... REALLY? Real grown up... but I swear just his tone was putting me over the edge, his runny nose, hell anything and everything can set me off these days... I even yell at my dog for being needy... and I LOVE my dog... there is lot more to this story and I'm being a bit lazy and all over the place but my doc knew where I was coming from because we've had this conversation before.
Essentially, the first medication she put me on was a no go... I had problems staying awake and waking up on it and with my job and operating heavy equipment...not to mention being to work to start my shift at 6 am, that one was a no brainer and she pulled me off... the mood stabilizer I've been on for over two months now seems to be doing okay overall... she's not convinced it's the perfect perfect fit for me but I like it overall so we're sticking with it and considering that i've never in my 11 years thus far stuck with any medication for more than two months thats saying something (awful I know... but I always got tired of being a fucking guinea pig and never actually getting better)...
Well after missing two days of a three day work week for just not anal glaucoma... (not being able to see my ass going to work) I just couldn't do it.... I went to my appointment and she decided to go ahead and put me on an antidepressant in addition to the mood stabilizer...
Topamax
Wellbutrin
I also started taking B-12 today too to help with energy and metabolism, my doc said it wasn't a bad idea... though she said maybe that B complex was a good option as well because it was more complete... I dunno.
Today was great overall. Hey, even if it's in my head I didn't feel as bad as I have the past couple of weeks...
I'm thinking after putting lil man on the bus in the morning if I'm feeling like I am right now I might even go to the gym... I dunno. Hell, the way I see it is I could be popping sugar pills at this point but I feel okay. Could be coincidence.... could be a lot of things... for now I'll just take the universe's gift of a good damn day :)
I just would love to stumble upon a magic lantern with a genie in it... I wouldn't need three wishes, only one... I'd just wish for stability--- just to be able to wake up and know that my days would be okay, I wouldn't have to worry about an off day EVER... granted nothing is perfect on any level, but I would just love that you know... I'm not dumb... I know it's impossible... but who wouldn't want that? Who?
This is a problem. Granted, I'm not at my lowest... I don't want to get there. I guess the fact that I'm much more depressed here lately than I have been has me concerned and just down right freaked the hell out because I feel like if this lingering sense of doom has been following me around for a while now, what the hell is keeping it from smothering me and turning into a full on episode and consuming me--taking on the form of a riptide to which no life guard can save me... this is very scary stuff. Apparently, I've had way too much time to be alone with my thoughts... way too much time, lol.
So anyway, back to the point... I explained to her that I was still overly agitated... I mean hell, I'm picking fights with me and my partner's seven year old son... REALLY? Real grown up... but I swear just his tone was putting me over the edge, his runny nose, hell anything and everything can set me off these days... I even yell at my dog for being needy... and I LOVE my dog... there is lot more to this story and I'm being a bit lazy and all over the place but my doc knew where I was coming from because we've had this conversation before.
Essentially, the first medication she put me on was a no go... I had problems staying awake and waking up on it and with my job and operating heavy equipment...not to mention being to work to start my shift at 6 am, that one was a no brainer and she pulled me off... the mood stabilizer I've been on for over two months now seems to be doing okay overall... she's not convinced it's the perfect perfect fit for me but I like it overall so we're sticking with it and considering that i've never in my 11 years thus far stuck with any medication for more than two months thats saying something (awful I know... but I always got tired of being a fucking guinea pig and never actually getting better)...
Well after missing two days of a three day work week for just not anal glaucoma... (not being able to see my ass going to work) I just couldn't do it.... I went to my appointment and she decided to go ahead and put me on an antidepressant in addition to the mood stabilizer...
Topamax
Wellbutrin
I also started taking B-12 today too to help with energy and metabolism, my doc said it wasn't a bad idea... though she said maybe that B complex was a good option as well because it was more complete... I dunno.
Today was great overall. Hey, even if it's in my head I didn't feel as bad as I have the past couple of weeks...
I'm thinking after putting lil man on the bus in the morning if I'm feeling like I am right now I might even go to the gym... I dunno. Hell, the way I see it is I could be popping sugar pills at this point but I feel okay. Could be coincidence.... could be a lot of things... for now I'll just take the universe's gift of a good damn day :)
I just would love to stumble upon a magic lantern with a genie in it... I wouldn't need three wishes, only one... I'd just wish for stability--- just to be able to wake up and know that my days would be okay, I wouldn't have to worry about an off day EVER... granted nothing is perfect on any level, but I would just love that you know... I'm not dumb... I know it's impossible... but who wouldn't want that? Who?
Tuesday, May 31, 2011
red flag
I've been noticing something a lot more lately... little things here and there but I may be delusional and it's time to come to terms with a few things.
I think that when I first started taking this medication I wanted a lot of things to be happening... one... weight loss... I've come to terms with the fact that no pill is just going to just magically make me skinny--especially when being treating bipolar disorder. Fuck. Sure that's a downer...but perhaps one day I'll actually get the balance right and then I'll use my gym membership and or consistently take my dog for a walk, or do something active more than one day a week.
The point is that while this medicine is keeping me a float its not doing everything it should. There is still this dark shadow following me around. No, I'm not deeply depressed and yes, I am functioning, but hell, I was functioning before I agreed with myself to go back on my meds... If you look it like that... Ive been functioning since I was diagnosed about eleven years ago.
That's the problem. I have evolved... I have develped this keen ability to be in the midst of an episode be it high or low and still be a completely "normal" functioning" adult for the most part... hell my last episode didn't even send red flags up for my family and friends and I was COMPLETELY out of fucking character... and by the time I realized it I had already scheduled an appointment with a therapist, started meds, made it through the death of my grandfather, was on the mends with my now fiance before my parents and sister even realized anything was wrong and my family had always been the ones that I relied upon to realize the red flags when I couldn't see them.
Unfortunately, there are times when your support system have own lives to tend to and you live further away than usual and aren't the first thing on their minds... it's not their fault that this happens... hell in reality you should always be on the meds, you should always be checking in with your doctor, and therapist and have a support system that is unbiased and NOT friends and family, or rather is in ADDITION to friends and family, but I fell short on this one... and well... everything happens for a reason... because right before my thirtieth birthday I had what I felt was my worst episode... no, not my most destructive or catrastrophic, but for me at this point in my life, just my worst. And I hated myself for it.
I can't dwell on it, because that isn't going to solve anything really, I have to move forward, and hell right now I'm digressing... but I apparently needed to vent. The point is that right now I feel like something is lacking and I have a shadow of gloom stalking me everywhere I go. I go through the motions and act as if everything is honkey doorey but really it isn't. I'm easily agitated... I wanna scream and shout, slam doors, shake me and my partners son every time he rolls his eyes at me... i'm overly sensitive and feel like I can't talk to my partner because she just doesn't get this stuff... like any moment she'll peace out because it's too much for her to handle.
Well last night I finally talked to her. I told her exactly what was up. I told her that while I'm still taking my meds, that they aren't where they need to be. The last visit to the doc we didn't adjust the dosage becuase I'm at the highest dose, but we did alter how much at what part of the day I'm taking them becuase I'm lacking motivation. The doc said that the next step will probably be adding an anti depressant which of course is a concern for me because of potential sexual side effects... my partner asked if I really thought I needed an anti depressant and I had to chuckle... UM HELL YEAH... i need something... because right now I dont wanna go to work, i dont wanna get out of bed, i don't wanna do anything... even our trip to the beach, Cape Hatteras, NC (my second home this past weekend) brought me no joy which usually does even when I am depressed...it's like nothing makes me happy these days, but I put on a happy face...
Even the seven year old in the house is commenting on how I never seem to be happy anymore... I took a personal day from work today to work on my resume (which it's 12:30 pm and I haven't started yet)... I tried to take a nap, but couldn't turn my mind off, not in a manic way but in a I'm exhausted but feel too guilty to sleep kind of way...sucks really)... I did some praying--there are a lot of things on the horizon in my life... I'd like a different job, my partner needs to get the hell up out of her job, I dunno... right now I just need to get it together.
I have to do hair tonight. My old bosses mom... her hair gets done about every five weeks or so, I don't really feel like doing it, but since I told her last week Id do it, I can't really bail at this point... plus it will be like fifty bucks (translation... gas money)... not to mention there are some killer thrift stores out where she lives and I feel like some retail therapy... tomorrow is the doctor appointment... hopefully my doctor will hear me when I explain what I'm trying to tell her... I'm just not happy, I'm not miserable, but I'm not content either. It takes all my energy just getting out of bed, going to work and faking it... at first it was better.... but these past few weeks it's gotten worse... I don't know what the deal is... but something isn't working and dammit... I need help here. I don't want to have to fake it... If I'm faking it that means the chance of an "episode" is right around the corner and that's scary as hell...
RED FLAG RED FLAG RED FLAG
I think that when I first started taking this medication I wanted a lot of things to be happening... one... weight loss... I've come to terms with the fact that no pill is just going to just magically make me skinny--especially when being treating bipolar disorder. Fuck. Sure that's a downer...but perhaps one day I'll actually get the balance right and then I'll use my gym membership and or consistently take my dog for a walk, or do something active more than one day a week.
The point is that while this medicine is keeping me a float its not doing everything it should. There is still this dark shadow following me around. No, I'm not deeply depressed and yes, I am functioning, but hell, I was functioning before I agreed with myself to go back on my meds... If you look it like that... Ive been functioning since I was diagnosed about eleven years ago.
That's the problem. I have evolved... I have develped this keen ability to be in the midst of an episode be it high or low and still be a completely "normal" functioning" adult for the most part... hell my last episode didn't even send red flags up for my family and friends and I was COMPLETELY out of fucking character... and by the time I realized it I had already scheduled an appointment with a therapist, started meds, made it through the death of my grandfather, was on the mends with my now fiance before my parents and sister even realized anything was wrong and my family had always been the ones that I relied upon to realize the red flags when I couldn't see them.
Unfortunately, there are times when your support system have own lives to tend to and you live further away than usual and aren't the first thing on their minds... it's not their fault that this happens... hell in reality you should always be on the meds, you should always be checking in with your doctor, and therapist and have a support system that is unbiased and NOT friends and family, or rather is in ADDITION to friends and family, but I fell short on this one... and well... everything happens for a reason... because right before my thirtieth birthday I had what I felt was my worst episode... no, not my most destructive or catrastrophic, but for me at this point in my life, just my worst. And I hated myself for it.
I can't dwell on it, because that isn't going to solve anything really, I have to move forward, and hell right now I'm digressing... but I apparently needed to vent. The point is that right now I feel like something is lacking and I have a shadow of gloom stalking me everywhere I go. I go through the motions and act as if everything is honkey doorey but really it isn't. I'm easily agitated... I wanna scream and shout, slam doors, shake me and my partners son every time he rolls his eyes at me... i'm overly sensitive and feel like I can't talk to my partner because she just doesn't get this stuff... like any moment she'll peace out because it's too much for her to handle.
Well last night I finally talked to her. I told her exactly what was up. I told her that while I'm still taking my meds, that they aren't where they need to be. The last visit to the doc we didn't adjust the dosage becuase I'm at the highest dose, but we did alter how much at what part of the day I'm taking them becuase I'm lacking motivation. The doc said that the next step will probably be adding an anti depressant which of course is a concern for me because of potential sexual side effects... my partner asked if I really thought I needed an anti depressant and I had to chuckle... UM HELL YEAH... i need something... because right now I dont wanna go to work, i dont wanna get out of bed, i don't wanna do anything... even our trip to the beach, Cape Hatteras, NC (my second home this past weekend) brought me no joy which usually does even when I am depressed...it's like nothing makes me happy these days, but I put on a happy face...
Even the seven year old in the house is commenting on how I never seem to be happy anymore... I took a personal day from work today to work on my resume (which it's 12:30 pm and I haven't started yet)... I tried to take a nap, but couldn't turn my mind off, not in a manic way but in a I'm exhausted but feel too guilty to sleep kind of way...sucks really)... I did some praying--there are a lot of things on the horizon in my life... I'd like a different job, my partner needs to get the hell up out of her job, I dunno... right now I just need to get it together.
I have to do hair tonight. My old bosses mom... her hair gets done about every five weeks or so, I don't really feel like doing it, but since I told her last week Id do it, I can't really bail at this point... plus it will be like fifty bucks (translation... gas money)... not to mention there are some killer thrift stores out where she lives and I feel like some retail therapy... tomorrow is the doctor appointment... hopefully my doctor will hear me when I explain what I'm trying to tell her... I'm just not happy, I'm not miserable, but I'm not content either. It takes all my energy just getting out of bed, going to work and faking it... at first it was better.... but these past few weeks it's gotten worse... I don't know what the deal is... but something isn't working and dammit... I need help here. I don't want to have to fake it... If I'm faking it that means the chance of an "episode" is right around the corner and that's scary as hell...
RED FLAG RED FLAG RED FLAG
Monday, May 30, 2011
I read a great book
I read a book this weekend called "I'm Not Crazy, Just Bipolar" by Wendy K. Williamson
It didn't change my life, but it was awesome. I never get the chance to read anymore and when I do it seems to take me FOREVER TO DO... this one took me less than a day and a half (which includes me doing other stuff too)... I really really liked it.
I could really like it.
Basically this chick was diagnosed as being bipolar over 16 years ago 6 weeks before graduation from VA Tech and she tells her story from that point to the present... her ups and downs. It's not the boring old textbook style this is what bipolar disorder is... this is a real life account and for me personally it hit close to home. I personally recommend it. That may not mean much to anyone... but I thought it was great.
Check it out.
It didn't change my life, but it was awesome. I never get the chance to read anymore and when I do it seems to take me FOREVER TO DO... this one took me less than a day and a half (which includes me doing other stuff too)... I really really liked it.
I could really like it.
Basically this chick was diagnosed as being bipolar over 16 years ago 6 weeks before graduation from VA Tech and she tells her story from that point to the present... her ups and downs. It's not the boring old textbook style this is what bipolar disorder is... this is a real life account and for me personally it hit close to home. I personally recommend it. That may not mean much to anyone... but I thought it was great.
Check it out.
Tuesday, May 24, 2011
balance per se
I seem to be kind of balancing which is a first for me. I go back to the doc next week to see about another tweak or two but so far so good...
I'm on 400 mg of topamax a day... we had to adjust when I'm taking it because I was really not motivated during the day at all... so I'm doing 100 mg in the morning and 300 mg at night and it seems to be doing fine. I'm not gaining any weight, but Im not losing any either, but at this point, Ill take it, you know. Screw the weight I'm more concerned with my moods. I'll still get a little on edge from time to time, but who doesnt
My back up anxiety pills weren't cutting it. The adavan, was making me really depressed and bummed out the next day which was really counter productive so she switched my script to xanax which doesn't stay in your system as long, but I havent had to take any yet so I'm not sure how that will work out... we shall see...
For now I'm content, my partner seems content... I'm seeing my therapist once a month, my psychiatrist once every 2 to three weeks depending on her schedule and mine until we get all these kinks worked out and we'll go from there... I'm still hopeful... so this is good. This whole bipolar thing doesn't define me... it's just one of those things... fuck it.
I'm on 400 mg of topamax a day... we had to adjust when I'm taking it because I was really not motivated during the day at all... so I'm doing 100 mg in the morning and 300 mg at night and it seems to be doing fine. I'm not gaining any weight, but Im not losing any either, but at this point, Ill take it, you know. Screw the weight I'm more concerned with my moods. I'll still get a little on edge from time to time, but who doesnt
My back up anxiety pills weren't cutting it. The adavan, was making me really depressed and bummed out the next day which was really counter productive so she switched my script to xanax which doesn't stay in your system as long, but I havent had to take any yet so I'm not sure how that will work out... we shall see...
For now I'm content, my partner seems content... I'm seeing my therapist once a month, my psychiatrist once every 2 to three weeks depending on her schedule and mine until we get all these kinks worked out and we'll go from there... I'm still hopeful... so this is good. This whole bipolar thing doesn't define me... it's just one of those things... fuck it.
Monday, May 2, 2011
ho hum
So in latest news... what I thought was going really well hit a snag... no biggie really... it happens. I thought I was on the highest dose of Topamax possible, I was wrong. I'm on my way there now, when I hit a slump and became really agitated and started snapping at everyone one around me and just wanted to cry all the damn time. It's funny, the last two doctors visits I had were scheduled for 1 month out and I ended up rescheduling at the 3 week mark, didn't quite make it... you know. The killer focus I had is no longer there.... and I'm just not really motivated to wanna do shit.
So now I've gone from 100 mg at night and 100 in the morning to 100 in the morning and 200 at night for a week and then I'll up it to 200 mg in the morning and 200 in the evening. I'm not sure how the hell Ill stay awake in the day time though... so this should be interesting.
There is some added stress on my relationship that wasn't there before. Because while she is supportive she still doesn't understand it completely. She doesn't get that finding the right combination of meds is a process and that I'm like a giant as guinea pig in the process...She doesn't get how for 2 weeks or a month I could be fabulous and then all of a sudden be on edge and irritable and not handle change very well. This most recent lack of adjustment came while we were on vacation in Colorado and I was meeting her family. I had already met her mom and dad before, but this time it was aunts, uncles, sister, brother, nieces, nephews, etc...and I maintained a good chunk of the trip, but the last three days were brutal for me. For whatever reason I didn't take any of my adavan which the doctor gave me for panic attacks or special occassions and well in my mind I wasnt having a panic attack, I was just overly irritated and not adjusted to all the fucking changing of plans and things out there... and all the video game playing and my lack of opportunity for a nap...
It was weird just the day before I had proposed to my girl... and now here i was ready to rip her head off for now apparent reason. I felt so alone and so isolated even though I was surrounded by people.
At my most recent appointment my doctor assured me that she gave me the prescription for adavan for me to use, not to get me addicted to it and using it doesnt make me less of a person, it will just make the hard times a little less hard and that now is the best time to be using it because we are still in the adjustment phase in that we are trying to find the right mix of things. Its just hard...
I've never stuck with meds long enough to find the right mix of things I always bail out within like a month...but I'm doing my best to keep my appointments with my doctor and my therapist and I have an agreement with my girl, well my fiance that if I quit my meds, shes gone... I get no more chances considering the damage I did the last time...
I just hate how I feel like no one but me gets it. I feel so fucking alone all the fucking time. And well it sucks to feel alone even when you physically have people around you. It sucks to have your schedule revolve around what pills to swallow... it sucks that I've put weight one because I had got used to the side effects of the pills, but now I'm doubling the dose so I'm tired all over again and not motivated to go to the gym and do shit about it and all i wanna do is eat chocolate because with my taste buds being fucked up, its the only thing that tastes good.
I miss my spontaneous ups and I feel very boring.I miss a lot about the old me, but I have to say good bye to her if I want to keep the things in my life that I love, like my girl, a paycheck, my family, etc... I have grown up responsibilities, and since I turn 30 at the end of this month... it's time to stop flaking out on this whole medication thing.
So now I've gone from 100 mg at night and 100 in the morning to 100 in the morning and 200 at night for a week and then I'll up it to 200 mg in the morning and 200 in the evening. I'm not sure how the hell Ill stay awake in the day time though... so this should be interesting.
There is some added stress on my relationship that wasn't there before. Because while she is supportive she still doesn't understand it completely. She doesn't get that finding the right combination of meds is a process and that I'm like a giant as guinea pig in the process...She doesn't get how for 2 weeks or a month I could be fabulous and then all of a sudden be on edge and irritable and not handle change very well. This most recent lack of adjustment came while we were on vacation in Colorado and I was meeting her family. I had already met her mom and dad before, but this time it was aunts, uncles, sister, brother, nieces, nephews, etc...and I maintained a good chunk of the trip, but the last three days were brutal for me. For whatever reason I didn't take any of my adavan which the doctor gave me for panic attacks or special occassions and well in my mind I wasnt having a panic attack, I was just overly irritated and not adjusted to all the fucking changing of plans and things out there... and all the video game playing and my lack of opportunity for a nap...
It was weird just the day before I had proposed to my girl... and now here i was ready to rip her head off for now apparent reason. I felt so alone and so isolated even though I was surrounded by people.
At my most recent appointment my doctor assured me that she gave me the prescription for adavan for me to use, not to get me addicted to it and using it doesnt make me less of a person, it will just make the hard times a little less hard and that now is the best time to be using it because we are still in the adjustment phase in that we are trying to find the right mix of things. Its just hard...
I've never stuck with meds long enough to find the right mix of things I always bail out within like a month...but I'm doing my best to keep my appointments with my doctor and my therapist and I have an agreement with my girl, well my fiance that if I quit my meds, shes gone... I get no more chances considering the damage I did the last time...
I just hate how I feel like no one but me gets it. I feel so fucking alone all the fucking time. And well it sucks to feel alone even when you physically have people around you. It sucks to have your schedule revolve around what pills to swallow... it sucks that I've put weight one because I had got used to the side effects of the pills, but now I'm doubling the dose so I'm tired all over again and not motivated to go to the gym and do shit about it and all i wanna do is eat chocolate because with my taste buds being fucked up, its the only thing that tastes good.
I miss my spontaneous ups and I feel very boring.I miss a lot about the old me, but I have to say good bye to her if I want to keep the things in my life that I love, like my girl, a paycheck, my family, etc... I have grown up responsibilities, and since I turn 30 at the end of this month... it's time to stop flaking out on this whole medication thing.
Tuesday, April 5, 2011
Follow up
I like my doctor. Even if I only see her in 15 minute intervals at this point, she seems to listen and that's a good thing. She doesn't seem to think I'm at the point of an antidepressant which makes me happy, lol. She did increase my meds however and make some suggestions as to how I can "play" with them to figure out how to make them work for me.... like splitting the now full dosage up into two doses etc... blah blah blah.
I can work with this. I have another appt scheduled for a month or so... between now and then there's going to be a lot going on with an upcoming trip to colorado and what not, but I think i'll be alright... definitely alright.
Yes, I like my doctor.
I can work with this. I have another appt scheduled for a month or so... between now and then there's going to be a lot going on with an upcoming trip to colorado and what not, but I think i'll be alright... definitely alright.
Yes, I like my doctor.
Rescheduled
Well I had to reschedule my appointment. You see what I thought was going really well with this whole Topamax thing has turned out to not be so excellent. It's not dreadful mind you but I see things teetering on the edge of depression. You see with my type of bipolar I spend more time on the "blah" side than the fun "manic" impulsive side (which lets face it after recent events that nearly killed my relationship, I'll deal with)... but with the blah side comes not wanting to get out of bed, wanting to cry for no apparent fucking reason at all... getting easily agitated at the littlest things, finding little to no joy in anything, and just being sad FOR WHAT? NO REASON... yeah it gets old... I was doing some research the other day and I found out something new... Apparently, my type of bipolar disorder makes up the majority of suicides each year. While I'm not focused enough to remember the actual statistic at the moment, thats some scary shit... scary.
Anyway, I moved my appointment up by a week, because that's as early as I could get it. I was supposed to do it a month from the time the doc put me on this particular mood stabilizer. Which granted, was my idea because I wanted something that was going to help with weight loss, which in my opinion has really curbed my appetite and snacking, but she said she didn't think i'd be able to be on it by itself... I see an antidepressant in my future...just cross your fingers I can find one that doesn't come with sexual side effects, that will just piss me off. I can't be on the antidepressant alone, because then I run the risk of a manic phase kicking in and with those just come trouble...
Thank god that over the years I've become a functioning bipolar. I'm still scared to death that one day I'll wake up and my brain will just say, nope, back to the old days, stay in bed, fuck the job, fuck your life, fuck it all...fuck being a grown up, fuck everything, whats the point. I don't want to be there again... that was almost ten years ago, I can't be there again. I can't be there again.
I committed myself once already. Once. was. enough. No more of this check your shoe laces at the door bullshit, I'm in charge of my life, so what if I need a little medicinal support along the way. It doesnt make me who I am... it just makes me more tolerable, haha.
Anyway, I moved my appointment up by a week, because that's as early as I could get it. I was supposed to do it a month from the time the doc put me on this particular mood stabilizer. Which granted, was my idea because I wanted something that was going to help with weight loss, which in my opinion has really curbed my appetite and snacking, but she said she didn't think i'd be able to be on it by itself... I see an antidepressant in my future...just cross your fingers I can find one that doesn't come with sexual side effects, that will just piss me off. I can't be on the antidepressant alone, because then I run the risk of a manic phase kicking in and with those just come trouble...
Thank god that over the years I've become a functioning bipolar. I'm still scared to death that one day I'll wake up and my brain will just say, nope, back to the old days, stay in bed, fuck the job, fuck your life, fuck it all...fuck being a grown up, fuck everything, whats the point. I don't want to be there again... that was almost ten years ago, I can't be there again. I can't be there again.
I committed myself once already. Once. was. enough. No more of this check your shoe laces at the door bullshit, I'm in charge of my life, so what if I need a little medicinal support along the way. It doesnt make me who I am... it just makes me more tolerable, haha.
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
The adjustment period
So it's no secret that I'm fresh to the back on meds scene. I did a quick two week stint of Geodon which my doctor thought was promising based on the information I gave her about the side effects I hate about mood stabilizers and the guinea pig phase where we're trying to find the right doses and what not... The plus side is that it was fast acting so it was in my system within only a few days and really helped take the edge off around a really awful time in my life which was stressful for me (my grandfather and uncle died the same day)...so that coupled with an emergency supply of adavan should I have needed it which I didn't rely on too heavily, I was okay....but downside IT MADE ME RIDICUOUSLY HUNGRY. And let's face it. I'm no little girl as it is. I've already got over a hundred pounds to shed in the long term.... I can't eat nonstop and not worry about gaining even more weight. I'll pass on adding that to my already long list of issues.
I talked to my therapist and she suggested I talk to my doctor about Topamax. She didn't know how well it worked, but she said she had a bipolar patient who was on it and had lost a considerable amount of weight and was working well for her. So a couple of days later I talked to my doctor. She didn't seem too fond of the idea but wasn't against it. She seems to think we'll probably end up adding something to it in the long run, but for now we'll try it out. So far its good and bad. Good includes: I'm not hungry all the time, no sexual side effects (that's always a bummer to be on a medication that makes you feel better, finally be in the mood to have sex and then not be able to get off, ugh)... I've already lost 5.4 pounds, I feel decent
Bad includes, cold like symptoms (that might be allergies, but I don't know since they started the same time as the meds, lol), fucked up taste buds, like I have no sense of taste hardly, food just doesnt taste good, but works out for the weight loss--like right now I'm drinking black coffee, for me thats super weird considering i normally drinking more creamer than i do coffee....
My doc had me increase by increments of 25 mg every 5 days until I got to 100 mg which from what I'm reading still isnt all that high, but seems to be doing fine for the moment. Last night I took my first 100 mg dose and today was rough. I jsut wanted to call into work and sleep, I felt really run down and my running nose and sore throat stuff I've been dealing with was of course in full swing so my body is definitely adjusting...i took tomorrow off so that I could just decompress and get my mind right. I have another doctor appointment in a couple of weeks.
My only concern thus far was today. I was really agitated and just irritated in general. I even yelled at my dog alot she was just pissing me off. My girlfirend seemed excessively I dunno something, even though she was completely supportive of my adjustment....thats how i knew i needed to just come home take a nap and try again later.... the littlest shit was putting me in a bad state of mind today.
For now, I'm going to go take my meds and call it a night. Tomorrow is a new day and hopefully a much better one than today.
I talked to my therapist and she suggested I talk to my doctor about Topamax. She didn't know how well it worked, but she said she had a bipolar patient who was on it and had lost a considerable amount of weight and was working well for her. So a couple of days later I talked to my doctor. She didn't seem too fond of the idea but wasn't against it. She seems to think we'll probably end up adding something to it in the long run, but for now we'll try it out. So far its good and bad. Good includes: I'm not hungry all the time, no sexual side effects (that's always a bummer to be on a medication that makes you feel better, finally be in the mood to have sex and then not be able to get off, ugh)... I've already lost 5.4 pounds, I feel decent
Bad includes, cold like symptoms (that might be allergies, but I don't know since they started the same time as the meds, lol), fucked up taste buds, like I have no sense of taste hardly, food just doesnt taste good, but works out for the weight loss--like right now I'm drinking black coffee, for me thats super weird considering i normally drinking more creamer than i do coffee....
My doc had me increase by increments of 25 mg every 5 days until I got to 100 mg which from what I'm reading still isnt all that high, but seems to be doing fine for the moment. Last night I took my first 100 mg dose and today was rough. I jsut wanted to call into work and sleep, I felt really run down and my running nose and sore throat stuff I've been dealing with was of course in full swing so my body is definitely adjusting...i took tomorrow off so that I could just decompress and get my mind right. I have another doctor appointment in a couple of weeks.
My only concern thus far was today. I was really agitated and just irritated in general. I even yelled at my dog alot she was just pissing me off. My girlfirend seemed excessively I dunno something, even though she was completely supportive of my adjustment....thats how i knew i needed to just come home take a nap and try again later.... the littlest shit was putting me in a bad state of mind today.
For now, I'm going to go take my meds and call it a night. Tomorrow is a new day and hopefully a much better one than today.
Friday, March 11, 2011
An introduction
I did not create this blog as a way for others to get information or do research...it was purely selfish in the sense that I just want to be able to talk about my moods, what may be causing them, coping with being bipolar after years of being in denial, etc... It is what it is.
I'll be 30 years old in a few months, which means I've been diagnosed as bipolar for nearly 10 years. I can remember back in the day in high school being an overachiever and having no problems that anyone could see and then all of a sudden... BAM... it was my sophomore year in college, shit just hit the fan. I began seeing a psychiatrist and from then on was marked with a giant B upon my forehead (but a pretty b, a be that sparkles and had bling) at least that's how I felt. I didn't want anyone knowing that I was bipolar.
I was textbook for real. I went bankrupt for my 21st birthday after racking up over 20 grand in debt in under four months... (that right there takes serious skill, though I'm not proud)... I don't want to dwell too much in the past, I do however want to lay some ground work.
You see, I'm a type two rapid-cycling bipolar person. If you aren't sure what that is, I'm going to have to request you google it. I'm sorry, but I'm trying like hell to stay focused here. I've most recently been without medication for over two years and had been seemingly okay... you know the normal ups and downs, but I've unfortunately hit that place again where I have to accept the fact that I need to be medicated.
You see, for me it's every 2 to 3 years that things become unbearable...where if I'd just stay on the meds, I wouldn't hit bottom like I tend to do every couple of years. It's frustrating. You see being bipolar, you have the ups and downs...the ups I L-O-V-E...the downs, obviously, I could do without. The problem is that the meds just put you in the middle which is what they are intended to do, but they make me feel boring. Often times zombie like... which is no good and well historically, if i feel like a zombie or like a boring person then I dont stick with the meds.
Considering my most recent "aha" moment that helped me conclude (a lil too late that it's time to be back on meds) I decided it was time to find one and stick with it... again, something I say every single time I get on meds, but hell...even if I'm dellusional this time I feel hopeful.
You see my thought was, that if I can avoid getting to the super super lows where I've found myself in the past...the ones where I found myself suicidal (though not in a conventional slit my wrists type of way, though thats another story and irrelevant for the moment)basically my thought was if I can avoid the bottom rung of the ladder then perhaps it would make getting the right balance of meds a lot easier. I always hate feeling like a guinea pig...here try this, okay did you like it, how did it make you feel, etc, blah blah blah. But what I hate most is the weight gain and sexual side effects... I mean hell... imagine a life where when your not depressed and actually do have a sex drive not being able to climax--UM, ILL PASS thanks...
I've got some things in the works...I'll keep anyone interested posted....
I'll be 30 years old in a few months, which means I've been diagnosed as bipolar for nearly 10 years. I can remember back in the day in high school being an overachiever and having no problems that anyone could see and then all of a sudden... BAM... it was my sophomore year in college, shit just hit the fan. I began seeing a psychiatrist and from then on was marked with a giant B upon my forehead (but a pretty b, a be that sparkles and had bling) at least that's how I felt. I didn't want anyone knowing that I was bipolar.
I was textbook for real. I went bankrupt for my 21st birthday after racking up over 20 grand in debt in under four months... (that right there takes serious skill, though I'm not proud)... I don't want to dwell too much in the past, I do however want to lay some ground work.
You see, I'm a type two rapid-cycling bipolar person. If you aren't sure what that is, I'm going to have to request you google it. I'm sorry, but I'm trying like hell to stay focused here. I've most recently been without medication for over two years and had been seemingly okay... you know the normal ups and downs, but I've unfortunately hit that place again where I have to accept the fact that I need to be medicated.
You see, for me it's every 2 to 3 years that things become unbearable...where if I'd just stay on the meds, I wouldn't hit bottom like I tend to do every couple of years. It's frustrating. You see being bipolar, you have the ups and downs...the ups I L-O-V-E...the downs, obviously, I could do without. The problem is that the meds just put you in the middle which is what they are intended to do, but they make me feel boring. Often times zombie like... which is no good and well historically, if i feel like a zombie or like a boring person then I dont stick with the meds.
Considering my most recent "aha" moment that helped me conclude (a lil too late that it's time to be back on meds) I decided it was time to find one and stick with it... again, something I say every single time I get on meds, but hell...even if I'm dellusional this time I feel hopeful.
You see my thought was, that if I can avoid getting to the super super lows where I've found myself in the past...the ones where I found myself suicidal (though not in a conventional slit my wrists type of way, though thats another story and irrelevant for the moment)basically my thought was if I can avoid the bottom rung of the ladder then perhaps it would make getting the right balance of meds a lot easier. I always hate feeling like a guinea pig...here try this, okay did you like it, how did it make you feel, etc, blah blah blah. But what I hate most is the weight gain and sexual side effects... I mean hell... imagine a life where when your not depressed and actually do have a sex drive not being able to climax--UM, ILL PASS thanks...
I've got some things in the works...I'll keep anyone interested posted....
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