The reality of it

I was watching tv with my partner last night and on this particular show, an actress portrayed someone with symptoms of mania.  She had been diagnosed as bipolar in an earlier episode, but had been doing fine until this week's.  It was weird for me.

What I mean is that everytime I see bipolarism portrayed on tv, that sure actresses and actors can act out the symptoms... how every bipolar person is stereotyped (or acted throughout history) to be  but the viewers will never truly understand it unless they've been there.  There are three different views when it comes to any bipolar person/situation.

View one comes from the families/friends point of view.  Sure it is important to take this into consideration because a lot of times these are the people that are going to be able to get said bipolar person back in "the middle" of the spectrum of good and evil for a lack of better words, or in many cases perfect words.  These folks are oftentimes what can make or break us.  They have the ability to see what a bipolar person having an episode cannot, raise the proverbial red flag and take steps to fix the situation. They also have the power to see the changes, but do nothing and pretend that they will not be effected in the long run.  Regardless, anyone who has a brother, sister, mom, dad, friend, or significant other that is bipolar has their own way of relating to bipolarism in general.  Someone watching the show I watched last night that has say a family member who has had a manic phase, it may have been the first thought they have... "Oh I remember when (insert appropriate name here) acted like that, oh my god it was awful...I really hope I don't have to see that side of them EVER again."

View two comes from acquaintances and strangers... People who may work around bipolars, but not hang out with them on a level that they would catch the change in behavior...these are the people that would most likely brush it off as said bipolar having a bad day, or being hungover, or just super excited about life... In other words, these are the people that really don't know shit.  It's not their fault, they just run the risk of being caught in the crosshairs of an episode.  These are the people that are often the subject of "poor sexual choices" or ellaborate spending sprees... It doesn't effect them in the same way, because in these cases they are getting laid or having things bought for them (example, buying an entire bar a drink when in reality the only money in the bank is rent)... It's different for these people.  They could watch the show I did and think, "Damn yo, that bitch is fucked up," and carry on with their day, not losing sleep over it.

View three is obviously the most relevant because it comes from the bipolar him or herself... (Don't get it twisted, I'm not trying to incenuate that because I'm bipolar I know more than the next guy or that because it affects me differently that my feelings trump one of the aforementioned categories...it's just different--they aren't even on the same playing field) See--me, I watch something like I saw last night and I relate to the character...I am then forced to think back to the time in my life when I had a very similar episode.  Sure in one of mine I wasn't going off and ranting and having rapid speech and being all over the place with thoughts on the same topic, but the fact that I had my episode at all makes me immediately go back to that time.  That time in my life that I really didn't like who I was, but at that particular time had no way of seeing that I was anything but right and that everyone else around me was just a downer, couldn't keep up, or didn't know shit.

We all fall into one of the categories above.  Be it 1, 2, or 3... we are all affected, but affected differently.  (It's funny I'm trying to remember when its appropriate to use effected vs. affected and I can't to save my life and I out of principal refuse to google it or find the correct way of doing because this is my time to get out what I have to say and I shouldn't care if it's grammatically correct... I just don't want someone to stumble upon this blog and think that I'm stupid, think I'm ridiculous, long winded or whatever, just not stupid, lol)--but back to what I was saying... At some point our lives will be altered by a bipolar person.  Sure, I'm making it sound as if we are taking over the world, handing out flyers outside of restaurants and bars trying to recruit folks into the "oh so cool world of bipolar"--yeah fucking right...I wouldn't wish this shit on my worst enemy...why? You ask....

Because I as mentioned earlier I fall into category 3. I know what it's like to have a completely normal childhood and even teenage years and then all of a sudden wake up one day and just be "crazy." I know what it's like to go from being an overacheiving honor student in highschool to flunking out and taking a medical leave from college because I can't get out of bed, stop crying, or calling my mom every night at 2 am because I feel so alone and depressed.  I know what it's like to be sobbing one day, cry myself to sleep only to wake and a few weeks later after coming down be able to access the damage I've done to myself, to my body, to my financial situation, and to those around me.

It's frustrating.  It's frustrating as fuck to be quite honest.  To try and explain it to someone who hasn't been there is just that, an explanation... it's not the experience.  My mom and family, and most recently my partner have experienced my ups/downs from their category 1 seats... a set of bleachers on the sidelines, compared to the actual experience of the actual bipolar, but to the "1" their lives being torn apart just as bad if not worse than theirs. 

Sure, while I can think back now and remember the day I sat in bankruptcy court on my 21st birthday because I managed to accumulate $20,000 in debt over a period of about 4 months.  My mom can think back to the time after I moved back home and didn't get out of bed because I was over medicated with depakote.

While I can think about the time where I had a roommate in the nuthouse who had bandages on her wrists after her third attempt at offing herself, after voluntarily committing myself into the "looney bin" because I at that time was super low... While I can remember looking at everyone around me thinking, damn, my problems are nothing compared to these people (and yes classifying them as "those" people, as if I in reality wasn't one of THOSE people), While I can remember getting annoyed at the constant blood pressure checks and nurses shoving pills down my throat, when I just fucking wanted to sleep... use my stay as a vacation of sorts and escape from my life...but in the long realizing that it was going to be a ridiculous amount of money for what I could have just fallen off of the radar and gone to a Holiday Inn for. My mom however can remember how scared she was when I didn't even tell her where I was going, and then finally figuring it out, calling me there, and then crying because I was so out of it....she can remember feeling helpless on many accounts I'm sure.

While I can remember having great parties, getting blasted beyond belief, putting my body through hell and having sexual escapades just because at that time it felt like the thing to do... my sister can remember being left in an apartment that she couldn't afford because her sister was unreliable, couldn't pay her bills because she was maxed out, had creditors calling her, AND HER SISTER, and anyone else that I listed as person to call if I didn't pay.  She can remember me breaking the pact we had made that we would never mess with the same guy... and almost hooking up with her boyfriend/crush or fuckbuddy, whatever he was--my actions only being foiled because I was on a new antipsychotic drug that wasn't supposed to be mixed with alcohol, made me start vomiting nonstop... escalating to alcohol poisoning and what looked like hives under my skin...

I turned to my partner last night and all I could say is I've been like that.  She looked at me and said, "you've been like THAT...seriously?" You see while she's been in my life for over three years now...she just so happened to be around for one of my episodes.  See I'm a rapid cycler and bounce back and forth, but have over the years somehow managed to recover from how debilitating bipolar was for me in my early 20s..History seems to show that every couple of years around the fall--I have a BIG EPISODE. She got the pleasure of finding out that I had cheated on her, broke her heart, lied to her, told her to basically fuck herself, that I didn't need her in my life (when in fact I was out of my fucking mind manic and she didn't know enough about my past to recognize it)... I'm sure she's now better prepared, but I'll never be able to have the level of trust I had before.  I'll always have to see that look behind her eyes if I come home let from work with her wondering if I was "really" at work or not....

I explained to her about how thinking back I can remember times acting just like that...having these grand ideas of just getting in my car and driving to mexico and becoming a tattoo artist... meeting guys who I thought I was in love with when in reality I was just having an episode...and somehow created this whole dreamlike world of how things were going to be, when in reality there was no chance of that ever happening.  I can think back and remember all the times that my mom told me something I was doing was a bad idea, or that I had made the wrong decision and standing behind it because I wanted to prove her wrong--I mean "what did she know"... I WAS ALWAYS RIGHT and by doing so would up being COMPLETELY WRONG.

If you haven't noticed that tv show representation of bipolarity triggered a lot of stuff inside of me.  (No i'm not having an episode I assure you, though I am typing this very passionately as if it stays in my head it may cause an aneurism, lmao)...

It just made me remember all the dumb shit I did, but more importantly it made me realize how great my decisions are nowadays (most of the time)... For example I've been over a year on my meds... and I hit my one year mark of not drinking anything alcohol (while I never really had a problem with it, I just couldnt risk death mixing anything with my meds)... I drank a beer to celebrate.  I missed the taste and since my doctor altered some of my meds and Im no longer on any super serious ones I figured it would be okay.  In reality, sure it tasted good, but so does an O'Douls (nonalcoholic beer)... I didn't get a buzz from it (that's the funny thing about meds... you have so many mind altering chemicals pulsing through your veins... sometimes you have no reaction to others when mixed)... (oh and then i refilled my meds today, only to see DO NOT DRINK ALCOHOL WHILE ON THIS MEDICATION... apparently it increases my risk of seizures and what have you...) So not the smartest thing, but then again not the dumbest either. And the old me would have kept drinking until the buzz came, I stopped when I realized what was up.

I haven't done any type of drug in several years and have no desire to... I'm not trying to fuck up chances of a great career because I flunk a drug test... NO THANK YOU. 

I guess to wrap this up, while all of us are affected differently, we are all effected.  There will be times when my disorder is portrayed on tv, or some movie star will be outed for having what I do and it will make me think back to all the things Ive mentioned here AND OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH SO MANY MORE.... but I can't hide from it.  I have to embrace who I am because bipolar doesn't define me, it's merely a disease that I didn't have a choice in having.  I have goals now, 5 and 10 year plans for my career, continuing education (I'd like to get my Masters in supply chain management); I want to land a job in a state that has gay marriage so that I can marry the woman I love and have it be recognized as more than a civil union.  Most important, I've learned from my mistakes and it's made me stronger every day since.

A long time gone

So I haven't posted here in quite some time.  Things have changed drastically for me in my life.  I seem to be coping without any huge setbacks and unemployment hasn't killed me, so I suppose that's a plus.

I stopped taking Topamax a while ago because it was wayyyy to expensive with no insurance...plus I was always agitated so we were going to try something different anyway.  That led to Neurotin--wasn't a fan of that one due to it killing my sex drive and when I was in the mood couldn't accomplish anything (which is enough to put anyone over the edge, lol)... Well about a month ago my doctor decided that maybe we could try things without a mood stabilizer in the mix...RISKY...but worth a try.

I seem to be super sensitive to medications which sucks because it really makes finding the right mix super difficult.  For the last month I've been on an increased dose of Wellbutrin, which is as most of you know an antidepressant.... The doctor also gave me a mood stabilizer (samples) just in case I flipped into mania.

She felt okay with that because of how many people I live with right now and see everyday or at least talk to and who will call me out if I go manic and don't realize it or am oblivious to it, because lets face it, mania makes you feel great but you do some really dumb shit in the process.  (since I'm currently unemployed I'd rather not do dumb shit like spend money I don't have...I've managed to be responsible for quite some time now and don't wanna screw it up.

So anyway a month of no mood stabilizer hasn't been half bad... I still get agitated from time to time but hey who doesn't.  Lol. I have been looking for jobs, interviewed a few places and have a trip coming up...the thing I'm looking forward to most with wherever I get hired is that no one will know my background...I can go in and just be "normal" and I really crave that in life.  Not boring normal, but not psychotic normal, lol.

I dunno...I have an appointment tomorrow and think everything is going okay but I dunno.  I haven't gone to my therapist in over a month because lets face it, who can afford a therapist and a psychiatrist when you have no insurance NOT ME... and let's face it medication trumps venting for right now anyway. 

Life goes on, isn't miserable, but I'm restless... I need a change.  I need a job so that I'm not forced to be at home all the time with my own thoughts--getting overwhelmed or bored and only wanting to sleep...

Plus I've done nothing but gain weight since the combo of no topamax and no job.  I gotta get myself in the mindset to finally lose some weight.  So much to do...plenty of time to do it right now, but no motivation.

So is life.