People celebrate for many different reasons... I am celebrating something very special to me... AFTER 11 YEARS OF TRYING (though not consistently)... it would seem that for now at least my doctor and I have found the right balance of medications for me :) I have been cleared for now and don't have to go and see her for another three months (instead of every two to three weeks), unless something goes wrong and I feel like something is out of whack and then I can call and schedule an appointment any time before then.
This is a totally big deal for me... It took about 4 months but I got here :) I was patient and I did it :) this is a huge freaking step for me and I am soooooo excited. I just don't think anyone around me gets how big of a deal this really is, lol. My sister calls me regularly to tell me about her weight loss, she's down almost 70 pounds now, and sure I'm proud of her, though most of the time I'm sure she's just gloating at this point... so I called her to tell her of my psychological breath through... and I said, hey I might still be fat, but I'm balanced woohoo... she was like, yeah that's definitely better than fat and crazy. (bitch)
Fuck it... I'm happy. I'm proud of myself, even if no one else gets it. I've never been here before and this is a huge milestone for me. I haven't drank any alcohol in months and while I never really had a problem with it, I gave it up because I didn't want it to interfere with the medication(s) working... I haven't done any kind of drugs IN YEARS... my only problem now a days is food and not exercising so I guess after I finish moving and surviving the current stressors in my life... I will conquer those obstacles... because the thing that I used to consider an evil beast--medication, is now nothing more than a tamed teddy bear.
How exciting.
Monday, June 27, 2011
Tuesday, June 21, 2011
sleep patterns
I've been taking my meds on a regular schedule...What I'm noticing lately and I think it's because of the amount of stress and anxiety I have on my plate right now (which I'm handling quite well, but may be affecting my sleep patterns).. .is the following...
5:00-6:30 am (closer to 6:30 am on my days off...)
100 mg Topamax
300 mg Wellbutrin
pill for acid reflux
B12
8:30-10:00 pm
300 mg Topamax
I'm thinking of pushing the Topamax to closer to maybe 6 or 7 to see if it won't make me more sleepy earlier in the evening because I'm finding myself laying in bed, my body wore our but my brain and eyeballs like wired and ready to go...
Then in the morning... I'm waking up ten to thirty minutes prior to my alarm going off... so getting up at like 4:30 in the morning... is RIDICULOUS, especially on days when you don't have work... AND NOT BEING ABLE TO GO BACK TO SLEEP EVEN MORE SO... but then needing a nap a few hours later and not being able to get one is crucial...
I have to go back to the doctor next Monday... she wanted to give me something to help me sleep then, but I didn't want it, if I tell her this she is probably going to insist... the thing is I'm still getting enough sleep, it's just weird... like right now I'm yawning and my body feels tired and my mind feels like it didn't get enough sleep because the stressors in my life right now are causing really vivid awful dreams so I'm not getting that normal coma like sleep that I get on these meds... and its been like that for a week now... I'm sure I'll figure it out...
5:00-6:30 am (closer to 6:30 am on my days off...)
100 mg Topamax
300 mg Wellbutrin
pill for acid reflux
B12
8:30-10:00 pm
300 mg Topamax
I'm thinking of pushing the Topamax to closer to maybe 6 or 7 to see if it won't make me more sleepy earlier in the evening because I'm finding myself laying in bed, my body wore our but my brain and eyeballs like wired and ready to go...
Then in the morning... I'm waking up ten to thirty minutes prior to my alarm going off... so getting up at like 4:30 in the morning... is RIDICULOUS, especially on days when you don't have work... AND NOT BEING ABLE TO GO BACK TO SLEEP EVEN MORE SO... but then needing a nap a few hours later and not being able to get one is crucial...
I have to go back to the doctor next Monday... she wanted to give me something to help me sleep then, but I didn't want it, if I tell her this she is probably going to insist... the thing is I'm still getting enough sleep, it's just weird... like right now I'm yawning and my body feels tired and my mind feels like it didn't get enough sleep because the stressors in my life right now are causing really vivid awful dreams so I'm not getting that normal coma like sleep that I get on these meds... and its been like that for a week now... I'm sure I'll figure it out...
Wednesday, June 15, 2011
Stress Management
Yesterday, after nearly a month of drama in her work place and a sense of lingering doom my partner was fired from her job... she had worked for her company for 13 years. On top of that she disclosed some details to me that while I'm not going to share them here would on a normal day, probably sent me over the edge...
But this wasn't a normal day. You see... this was a balanced day... these are becoming more of the norm, which is a good thing... so needless to say stress management is becoming more like second nature. Hell, yesterday my partner asked me how I was taking everything so calmly, how I was so positive about the whole thing; how after what she had just told me I wasn't ready to rip her head off...
Two things really: 1. Medication (the right dosage for me, getting there finally)... and 2. I thought back to my most recent episode of mania and all the shit I had put her through and how I'd be a complete and total hypocrite to flip my lid or call her out on something that she didn't even do on a scale nearly as bad as I had just done months prior...
I was more hurt to notice that she didn't come home with a painting I had done for her on her first birthday we celebrated together... I was already planning to go to work and ask someone to take it down and give it to me... later when I asked about it she told me a story about how months ago during a break up spell (our only one in three years (which happens to coincide with my only manic episode) while she was hurting, she destroyed the canvas and all that the canvas was... she had apparently forgot this fact until her assistant reminded her when she started looking for it because it wasn't up on the wall anymore... (I had been asking about it for a while)...
This is what it looked like: (at least I took at picture of it, lol... it's simple... I just like the colors of it)...
It's funny to me out of everything, I was most hurt that she destroyed something I made for her...not that she was fired, not the confession she told me, not anything from the entire day... just the fact that my artwork was a destroyed... I felt like a piece of me had been destroyed... a piece of me that I had given her... it's dumb I know, but that's how it felt at that moment...It can always be repainted should I choose to... it's just paint and canvas...At least my stress management is under control. Today there is a bit of an knot in my stomach and reality is setting in ... I'm a little anxious, but not to the point of a xanax by any means... I'm going to go do some manual labor in the warehouse to take my mind off of it. In time, this too shall pass.
But this wasn't a normal day. You see... this was a balanced day... these are becoming more of the norm, which is a good thing... so needless to say stress management is becoming more like second nature. Hell, yesterday my partner asked me how I was taking everything so calmly, how I was so positive about the whole thing; how after what she had just told me I wasn't ready to rip her head off...
Two things really: 1. Medication (the right dosage for me, getting there finally)... and 2. I thought back to my most recent episode of mania and all the shit I had put her through and how I'd be a complete and total hypocrite to flip my lid or call her out on something that she didn't even do on a scale nearly as bad as I had just done months prior...
I was more hurt to notice that she didn't come home with a painting I had done for her on her first birthday we celebrated together... I was already planning to go to work and ask someone to take it down and give it to me... later when I asked about it she told me a story about how months ago during a break up spell (our only one in three years (which happens to coincide with my only manic episode) while she was hurting, she destroyed the canvas and all that the canvas was... she had apparently forgot this fact until her assistant reminded her when she started looking for it because it wasn't up on the wall anymore... (I had been asking about it for a while)...
This is what it looked like: (at least I took at picture of it, lol... it's simple... I just like the colors of it)...
It's funny to me out of everything, I was most hurt that she destroyed something I made for her...not that she was fired, not the confession she told me, not anything from the entire day... just the fact that my artwork was a destroyed... I felt like a piece of me had been destroyed... a piece of me that I had given her... it's dumb I know, but that's how it felt at that moment...It can always be repainted should I choose to... it's just paint and canvas...At least my stress management is under control. Today there is a bit of an knot in my stomach and reality is setting in ... I'm a little anxious, but not to the point of a xanax by any means... I'm going to go do some manual labor in the warehouse to take my mind off of it. In time, this too shall pass.
Tuesday, June 7, 2011
Wellbutrin update
Okay... So I've been feeling good... not down at all, not agitated at all so that is all good... I have been thirsty as a bitch thought OH MY GOD... and considering its been in the nineties here and I work in a warehouse with no a/c which is always way hotter than it is outside you can imagine how more thirsty I am... I drank over three liters of water before three o'clock yesterday... but I'm just thirsty in general...
I'm having a hard time falling asleep...but I am still sleeping...it just takes me a while... but I'm happy and thats what matters... if it keeps up I'll just have to get something to help me sleep..
Overall I'm happy with it... I get a lil bit of nausea... here and there, but nothing serious, not a bad fit so far.
I'm having a hard time falling asleep...but I am still sleeping...it just takes me a while... but I'm happy and thats what matters... if it keeps up I'll just have to get something to help me sleep..
Overall I'm happy with it... I get a lil bit of nausea... here and there, but nothing serious, not a bad fit so far.
Thursday, June 2, 2011
some new stuff to the mix
Okay so I've had to add some new meds to the mix and while I don't LOVE the idea and I know that it all has a purpose in the long run. I sat with my psychiatrist yesterday and had a quasi-meltdown... I sat there in tears and explained to her that everything that I had just explained to her two weeks prior was much worse and how I hated being a control freak who was in fact NEVER IN FUCKING CONTROL.
This is a problem. Granted, I'm not at my lowest... I don't want to get there. I guess the fact that I'm much more depressed here lately than I have been has me concerned and just down right freaked the hell out because I feel like if this lingering sense of doom has been following me around for a while now, what the hell is keeping it from smothering me and turning into a full on episode and consuming me--taking on the form of a riptide to which no life guard can save me... this is very scary stuff. Apparently, I've had way too much time to be alone with my thoughts... way too much time, lol.
So anyway, back to the point... I explained to her that I was still overly agitated... I mean hell, I'm picking fights with me and my partner's seven year old son... REALLY? Real grown up... but I swear just his tone was putting me over the edge, his runny nose, hell anything and everything can set me off these days... I even yell at my dog for being needy... and I LOVE my dog... there is lot more to this story and I'm being a bit lazy and all over the place but my doc knew where I was coming from because we've had this conversation before.
Essentially, the first medication she put me on was a no go... I had problems staying awake and waking up on it and with my job and operating heavy equipment...not to mention being to work to start my shift at 6 am, that one was a no brainer and she pulled me off... the mood stabilizer I've been on for over two months now seems to be doing okay overall... she's not convinced it's the perfect perfect fit for me but I like it overall so we're sticking with it and considering that i've never in my 11 years thus far stuck with any medication for more than two months thats saying something (awful I know... but I always got tired of being a fucking guinea pig and never actually getting better)...
Well after missing two days of a three day work week for just not anal glaucoma... (not being able to see my ass going to work) I just couldn't do it.... I went to my appointment and she decided to go ahead and put me on an antidepressant in addition to the mood stabilizer...
Topamax
Wellbutrin
I also started taking B-12 today too to help with energy and metabolism, my doc said it wasn't a bad idea... though she said maybe that B complex was a good option as well because it was more complete... I dunno.
Today was great overall. Hey, even if it's in my head I didn't feel as bad as I have the past couple of weeks...
I'm thinking after putting lil man on the bus in the morning if I'm feeling like I am right now I might even go to the gym... I dunno. Hell, the way I see it is I could be popping sugar pills at this point but I feel okay. Could be coincidence.... could be a lot of things... for now I'll just take the universe's gift of a good damn day :)
I just would love to stumble upon a magic lantern with a genie in it... I wouldn't need three wishes, only one... I'd just wish for stability--- just to be able to wake up and know that my days would be okay, I wouldn't have to worry about an off day EVER... granted nothing is perfect on any level, but I would just love that you know... I'm not dumb... I know it's impossible... but who wouldn't want that? Who?
This is a problem. Granted, I'm not at my lowest... I don't want to get there. I guess the fact that I'm much more depressed here lately than I have been has me concerned and just down right freaked the hell out because I feel like if this lingering sense of doom has been following me around for a while now, what the hell is keeping it from smothering me and turning into a full on episode and consuming me--taking on the form of a riptide to which no life guard can save me... this is very scary stuff. Apparently, I've had way too much time to be alone with my thoughts... way too much time, lol.
So anyway, back to the point... I explained to her that I was still overly agitated... I mean hell, I'm picking fights with me and my partner's seven year old son... REALLY? Real grown up... but I swear just his tone was putting me over the edge, his runny nose, hell anything and everything can set me off these days... I even yell at my dog for being needy... and I LOVE my dog... there is lot more to this story and I'm being a bit lazy and all over the place but my doc knew where I was coming from because we've had this conversation before.
Essentially, the first medication she put me on was a no go... I had problems staying awake and waking up on it and with my job and operating heavy equipment...not to mention being to work to start my shift at 6 am, that one was a no brainer and she pulled me off... the mood stabilizer I've been on for over two months now seems to be doing okay overall... she's not convinced it's the perfect perfect fit for me but I like it overall so we're sticking with it and considering that i've never in my 11 years thus far stuck with any medication for more than two months thats saying something (awful I know... but I always got tired of being a fucking guinea pig and never actually getting better)...
Well after missing two days of a three day work week for just not anal glaucoma... (not being able to see my ass going to work) I just couldn't do it.... I went to my appointment and she decided to go ahead and put me on an antidepressant in addition to the mood stabilizer...
Topamax
Wellbutrin
I also started taking B-12 today too to help with energy and metabolism, my doc said it wasn't a bad idea... though she said maybe that B complex was a good option as well because it was more complete... I dunno.
Today was great overall. Hey, even if it's in my head I didn't feel as bad as I have the past couple of weeks...
I'm thinking after putting lil man on the bus in the morning if I'm feeling like I am right now I might even go to the gym... I dunno. Hell, the way I see it is I could be popping sugar pills at this point but I feel okay. Could be coincidence.... could be a lot of things... for now I'll just take the universe's gift of a good damn day :)
I just would love to stumble upon a magic lantern with a genie in it... I wouldn't need three wishes, only one... I'd just wish for stability--- just to be able to wake up and know that my days would be okay, I wouldn't have to worry about an off day EVER... granted nothing is perfect on any level, but I would just love that you know... I'm not dumb... I know it's impossible... but who wouldn't want that? Who?
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