So in latest news... what I thought was going really well hit a snag... no biggie really... it happens. I thought I was on the highest dose of Topamax possible, I was wrong. I'm on my way there now, when I hit a slump and became really agitated and started snapping at everyone one around me and just wanted to cry all the damn time. It's funny, the last two doctors visits I had were scheduled for 1 month out and I ended up rescheduling at the 3 week mark, didn't quite make it... you know. The killer focus I had is no longer there.... and I'm just not really motivated to wanna do shit.
So now I've gone from 100 mg at night and 100 in the morning to 100 in the morning and 200 at night for a week and then I'll up it to 200 mg in the morning and 200 in the evening. I'm not sure how the hell Ill stay awake in the day time though... so this should be interesting.
There is some added stress on my relationship that wasn't there before. Because while she is supportive she still doesn't understand it completely. She doesn't get that finding the right combination of meds is a process and that I'm like a giant as guinea pig in the process...She doesn't get how for 2 weeks or a month I could be fabulous and then all of a sudden be on edge and irritable and not handle change very well. This most recent lack of adjustment came while we were on vacation in Colorado and I was meeting her family. I had already met her mom and dad before, but this time it was aunts, uncles, sister, brother, nieces, nephews, etc...and I maintained a good chunk of the trip, but the last three days were brutal for me. For whatever reason I didn't take any of my adavan which the doctor gave me for panic attacks or special occassions and well in my mind I wasnt having a panic attack, I was just overly irritated and not adjusted to all the fucking changing of plans and things out there... and all the video game playing and my lack of opportunity for a nap...
It was weird just the day before I had proposed to my girl... and now here i was ready to rip her head off for now apparent reason. I felt so alone and so isolated even though I was surrounded by people.
At my most recent appointment my doctor assured me that she gave me the prescription for adavan for me to use, not to get me addicted to it and using it doesnt make me less of a person, it will just make the hard times a little less hard and that now is the best time to be using it because we are still in the adjustment phase in that we are trying to find the right mix of things. Its just hard...
I've never stuck with meds long enough to find the right mix of things I always bail out within like a month...but I'm doing my best to keep my appointments with my doctor and my therapist and I have an agreement with my girl, well my fiance that if I quit my meds, shes gone... I get no more chances considering the damage I did the last time...
I just hate how I feel like no one but me gets it. I feel so fucking alone all the fucking time. And well it sucks to feel alone even when you physically have people around you. It sucks to have your schedule revolve around what pills to swallow... it sucks that I've put weight one because I had got used to the side effects of the pills, but now I'm doubling the dose so I'm tired all over again and not motivated to go to the gym and do shit about it and all i wanna do is eat chocolate because with my taste buds being fucked up, its the only thing that tastes good.
I miss my spontaneous ups and I feel very boring.I miss a lot about the old me, but I have to say good bye to her if I want to keep the things in my life that I love, like my girl, a paycheck, my family, etc... I have grown up responsibilities, and since I turn 30 at the end of this month... it's time to stop flaking out on this whole medication thing.
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