I've been noticing something a lot more lately... little things here and there but I may be delusional and it's time to come to terms with a few things.
I think that when I first started taking this medication I wanted a lot of things to be happening... one... weight loss... I've come to terms with the fact that no pill is just going to just magically make me skinny--especially when being treating bipolar disorder. Fuck. Sure that's a downer...but perhaps one day I'll actually get the balance right and then I'll use my gym membership and or consistently take my dog for a walk, or do something active more than one day a week.
The point is that while this medicine is keeping me a float its not doing everything it should. There is still this dark shadow following me around. No, I'm not deeply depressed and yes, I am functioning, but hell, I was functioning before I agreed with myself to go back on my meds... If you look it like that... Ive been functioning since I was diagnosed about eleven years ago.
That's the problem. I have evolved... I have develped this keen ability to be in the midst of an episode be it high or low and still be a completely "normal" functioning" adult for the most part... hell my last episode didn't even send red flags up for my family and friends and I was COMPLETELY out of fucking character... and by the time I realized it I had already scheduled an appointment with a therapist, started meds, made it through the death of my grandfather, was on the mends with my now fiance before my parents and sister even realized anything was wrong and my family had always been the ones that I relied upon to realize the red flags when I couldn't see them.
Unfortunately, there are times when your support system have own lives to tend to and you live further away than usual and aren't the first thing on their minds... it's not their fault that this happens... hell in reality you should always be on the meds, you should always be checking in with your doctor, and therapist and have a support system that is unbiased and NOT friends and family, or rather is in ADDITION to friends and family, but I fell short on this one... and well... everything happens for a reason... because right before my thirtieth birthday I had what I felt was my worst episode... no, not my most destructive or catrastrophic, but for me at this point in my life, just my worst. And I hated myself for it.
I can't dwell on it, because that isn't going to solve anything really, I have to move forward, and hell right now I'm digressing... but I apparently needed to vent. The point is that right now I feel like something is lacking and I have a shadow of gloom stalking me everywhere I go. I go through the motions and act as if everything is honkey doorey but really it isn't. I'm easily agitated... I wanna scream and shout, slam doors, shake me and my partners son every time he rolls his eyes at me... i'm overly sensitive and feel like I can't talk to my partner because she just doesn't get this stuff... like any moment she'll peace out because it's too much for her to handle.
Well last night I finally talked to her. I told her exactly what was up. I told her that while I'm still taking my meds, that they aren't where they need to be. The last visit to the doc we didn't adjust the dosage becuase I'm at the highest dose, but we did alter how much at what part of the day I'm taking them becuase I'm lacking motivation. The doc said that the next step will probably be adding an anti depressant which of course is a concern for me because of potential sexual side effects... my partner asked if I really thought I needed an anti depressant and I had to chuckle... UM HELL YEAH... i need something... because right now I dont wanna go to work, i dont wanna get out of bed, i don't wanna do anything... even our trip to the beach, Cape Hatteras, NC (my second home this past weekend) brought me no joy which usually does even when I am depressed...it's like nothing makes me happy these days, but I put on a happy face...
Even the seven year old in the house is commenting on how I never seem to be happy anymore... I took a personal day from work today to work on my resume (which it's 12:30 pm and I haven't started yet)... I tried to take a nap, but couldn't turn my mind off, not in a manic way but in a I'm exhausted but feel too guilty to sleep kind of way...sucks really)... I did some praying--there are a lot of things on the horizon in my life... I'd like a different job, my partner needs to get the hell up out of her job, I dunno... right now I just need to get it together.
I have to do hair tonight. My old bosses mom... her hair gets done about every five weeks or so, I don't really feel like doing it, but since I told her last week Id do it, I can't really bail at this point... plus it will be like fifty bucks (translation... gas money)... not to mention there are some killer thrift stores out where she lives and I feel like some retail therapy... tomorrow is the doctor appointment... hopefully my doctor will hear me when I explain what I'm trying to tell her... I'm just not happy, I'm not miserable, but I'm not content either. It takes all my energy just getting out of bed, going to work and faking it... at first it was better.... but these past few weeks it's gotten worse... I don't know what the deal is... but something isn't working and dammit... I need help here. I don't want to have to fake it... If I'm faking it that means the chance of an "episode" is right around the corner and that's scary as hell...
RED FLAG RED FLAG RED FLAG
No comments:
Post a Comment