Okay so I've had to add some new meds to the mix and while I don't LOVE the idea and I know that it all has a purpose in the long run. I sat with my psychiatrist yesterday and had a quasi-meltdown... I sat there in tears and explained to her that everything that I had just explained to her two weeks prior was much worse and how I hated being a control freak who was in fact NEVER IN FUCKING CONTROL.
This is a problem. Granted, I'm not at my lowest... I don't want to get there. I guess the fact that I'm much more depressed here lately than I have been has me concerned and just down right freaked the hell out because I feel like if this lingering sense of doom has been following me around for a while now, what the hell is keeping it from smothering me and turning into a full on episode and consuming me--taking on the form of a riptide to which no life guard can save me... this is very scary stuff. Apparently, I've had way too much time to be alone with my thoughts... way too much time, lol.
So anyway, back to the point... I explained to her that I was still overly agitated... I mean hell, I'm picking fights with me and my partner's seven year old son... REALLY? Real grown up... but I swear just his tone was putting me over the edge, his runny nose, hell anything and everything can set me off these days... I even yell at my dog for being needy... and I LOVE my dog... there is lot more to this story and I'm being a bit lazy and all over the place but my doc knew where I was coming from because we've had this conversation before.
Essentially, the first medication she put me on was a no go... I had problems staying awake and waking up on it and with my job and operating heavy equipment...not to mention being to work to start my shift at 6 am, that one was a no brainer and she pulled me off... the mood stabilizer I've been on for over two months now seems to be doing okay overall... she's not convinced it's the perfect perfect fit for me but I like it overall so we're sticking with it and considering that i've never in my 11 years thus far stuck with any medication for more than two months thats saying something (awful I know... but I always got tired of being a fucking guinea pig and never actually getting better)...
Well after missing two days of a three day work week for just not anal glaucoma... (not being able to see my ass going to work) I just couldn't do it.... I went to my appointment and she decided to go ahead and put me on an antidepressant in addition to the mood stabilizer...
Topamax
Wellbutrin
I also started taking B-12 today too to help with energy and metabolism, my doc said it wasn't a bad idea... though she said maybe that B complex was a good option as well because it was more complete... I dunno.
Today was great overall. Hey, even if it's in my head I didn't feel as bad as I have the past couple of weeks...
I'm thinking after putting lil man on the bus in the morning if I'm feeling like I am right now I might even go to the gym... I dunno. Hell, the way I see it is I could be popping sugar pills at this point but I feel okay. Could be coincidence.... could be a lot of things... for now I'll just take the universe's gift of a good damn day :)
I just would love to stumble upon a magic lantern with a genie in it... I wouldn't need three wishes, only one... I'd just wish for stability--- just to be able to wake up and know that my days would be okay, I wouldn't have to worry about an off day EVER... granted nothing is perfect on any level, but I would just love that you know... I'm not dumb... I know it's impossible... but who wouldn't want that? Who?
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