I've been noticing something a lot more lately... little things here and there but I may be delusional and it's time to come to terms with a few things.
I think that when I first started taking this medication I wanted a lot of things to be happening... one... weight loss... I've come to terms with the fact that no pill is just going to just magically make me skinny--especially when being treating bipolar disorder. Fuck. Sure that's a downer...but perhaps one day I'll actually get the balance right and then I'll use my gym membership and or consistently take my dog for a walk, or do something active more than one day a week.
The point is that while this medicine is keeping me a float its not doing everything it should. There is still this dark shadow following me around. No, I'm not deeply depressed and yes, I am functioning, but hell, I was functioning before I agreed with myself to go back on my meds... If you look it like that... Ive been functioning since I was diagnosed about eleven years ago.
That's the problem. I have evolved... I have develped this keen ability to be in the midst of an episode be it high or low and still be a completely "normal" functioning" adult for the most part... hell my last episode didn't even send red flags up for my family and friends and I was COMPLETELY out of fucking character... and by the time I realized it I had already scheduled an appointment with a therapist, started meds, made it through the death of my grandfather, was on the mends with my now fiance before my parents and sister even realized anything was wrong and my family had always been the ones that I relied upon to realize the red flags when I couldn't see them.
Unfortunately, there are times when your support system have own lives to tend to and you live further away than usual and aren't the first thing on their minds... it's not their fault that this happens... hell in reality you should always be on the meds, you should always be checking in with your doctor, and therapist and have a support system that is unbiased and NOT friends and family, or rather is in ADDITION to friends and family, but I fell short on this one... and well... everything happens for a reason... because right before my thirtieth birthday I had what I felt was my worst episode... no, not my most destructive or catrastrophic, but for me at this point in my life, just my worst. And I hated myself for it.
I can't dwell on it, because that isn't going to solve anything really, I have to move forward, and hell right now I'm digressing... but I apparently needed to vent. The point is that right now I feel like something is lacking and I have a shadow of gloom stalking me everywhere I go. I go through the motions and act as if everything is honkey doorey but really it isn't. I'm easily agitated... I wanna scream and shout, slam doors, shake me and my partners son every time he rolls his eyes at me... i'm overly sensitive and feel like I can't talk to my partner because she just doesn't get this stuff... like any moment she'll peace out because it's too much for her to handle.
Well last night I finally talked to her. I told her exactly what was up. I told her that while I'm still taking my meds, that they aren't where they need to be. The last visit to the doc we didn't adjust the dosage becuase I'm at the highest dose, but we did alter how much at what part of the day I'm taking them becuase I'm lacking motivation. The doc said that the next step will probably be adding an anti depressant which of course is a concern for me because of potential sexual side effects... my partner asked if I really thought I needed an anti depressant and I had to chuckle... UM HELL YEAH... i need something... because right now I dont wanna go to work, i dont wanna get out of bed, i don't wanna do anything... even our trip to the beach, Cape Hatteras, NC (my second home this past weekend) brought me no joy which usually does even when I am depressed...it's like nothing makes me happy these days, but I put on a happy face...
Even the seven year old in the house is commenting on how I never seem to be happy anymore... I took a personal day from work today to work on my resume (which it's 12:30 pm and I haven't started yet)... I tried to take a nap, but couldn't turn my mind off, not in a manic way but in a I'm exhausted but feel too guilty to sleep kind of way...sucks really)... I did some praying--there are a lot of things on the horizon in my life... I'd like a different job, my partner needs to get the hell up out of her job, I dunno... right now I just need to get it together.
I have to do hair tonight. My old bosses mom... her hair gets done about every five weeks or so, I don't really feel like doing it, but since I told her last week Id do it, I can't really bail at this point... plus it will be like fifty bucks (translation... gas money)... not to mention there are some killer thrift stores out where she lives and I feel like some retail therapy... tomorrow is the doctor appointment... hopefully my doctor will hear me when I explain what I'm trying to tell her... I'm just not happy, I'm not miserable, but I'm not content either. It takes all my energy just getting out of bed, going to work and faking it... at first it was better.... but these past few weeks it's gotten worse... I don't know what the deal is... but something isn't working and dammit... I need help here. I don't want to have to fake it... If I'm faking it that means the chance of an "episode" is right around the corner and that's scary as hell...
RED FLAG RED FLAG RED FLAG
Tuesday, May 31, 2011
Monday, May 30, 2011
I read a great book
I read a book this weekend called "I'm Not Crazy, Just Bipolar" by Wendy K. Williamson
It didn't change my life, but it was awesome. I never get the chance to read anymore and when I do it seems to take me FOREVER TO DO... this one took me less than a day and a half (which includes me doing other stuff too)... I really really liked it.
I could really like it.
Basically this chick was diagnosed as being bipolar over 16 years ago 6 weeks before graduation from VA Tech and she tells her story from that point to the present... her ups and downs. It's not the boring old textbook style this is what bipolar disorder is... this is a real life account and for me personally it hit close to home. I personally recommend it. That may not mean much to anyone... but I thought it was great.
Check it out.
It didn't change my life, but it was awesome. I never get the chance to read anymore and when I do it seems to take me FOREVER TO DO... this one took me less than a day and a half (which includes me doing other stuff too)... I really really liked it.
I could really like it.
Basically this chick was diagnosed as being bipolar over 16 years ago 6 weeks before graduation from VA Tech and she tells her story from that point to the present... her ups and downs. It's not the boring old textbook style this is what bipolar disorder is... this is a real life account and for me personally it hit close to home. I personally recommend it. That may not mean much to anyone... but I thought it was great.
Check it out.
Tuesday, May 24, 2011
balance per se
I seem to be kind of balancing which is a first for me. I go back to the doc next week to see about another tweak or two but so far so good...
I'm on 400 mg of topamax a day... we had to adjust when I'm taking it because I was really not motivated during the day at all... so I'm doing 100 mg in the morning and 300 mg at night and it seems to be doing fine. I'm not gaining any weight, but Im not losing any either, but at this point, Ill take it, you know. Screw the weight I'm more concerned with my moods. I'll still get a little on edge from time to time, but who doesnt
My back up anxiety pills weren't cutting it. The adavan, was making me really depressed and bummed out the next day which was really counter productive so she switched my script to xanax which doesn't stay in your system as long, but I havent had to take any yet so I'm not sure how that will work out... we shall see...
For now I'm content, my partner seems content... I'm seeing my therapist once a month, my psychiatrist once every 2 to three weeks depending on her schedule and mine until we get all these kinks worked out and we'll go from there... I'm still hopeful... so this is good. This whole bipolar thing doesn't define me... it's just one of those things... fuck it.
I'm on 400 mg of topamax a day... we had to adjust when I'm taking it because I was really not motivated during the day at all... so I'm doing 100 mg in the morning and 300 mg at night and it seems to be doing fine. I'm not gaining any weight, but Im not losing any either, but at this point, Ill take it, you know. Screw the weight I'm more concerned with my moods. I'll still get a little on edge from time to time, but who doesnt
My back up anxiety pills weren't cutting it. The adavan, was making me really depressed and bummed out the next day which was really counter productive so she switched my script to xanax which doesn't stay in your system as long, but I havent had to take any yet so I'm not sure how that will work out... we shall see...
For now I'm content, my partner seems content... I'm seeing my therapist once a month, my psychiatrist once every 2 to three weeks depending on her schedule and mine until we get all these kinks worked out and we'll go from there... I'm still hopeful... so this is good. This whole bipolar thing doesn't define me... it's just one of those things... fuck it.
Monday, May 2, 2011
ho hum
So in latest news... what I thought was going really well hit a snag... no biggie really... it happens. I thought I was on the highest dose of Topamax possible, I was wrong. I'm on my way there now, when I hit a slump and became really agitated and started snapping at everyone one around me and just wanted to cry all the damn time. It's funny, the last two doctors visits I had were scheduled for 1 month out and I ended up rescheduling at the 3 week mark, didn't quite make it... you know. The killer focus I had is no longer there.... and I'm just not really motivated to wanna do shit.
So now I've gone from 100 mg at night and 100 in the morning to 100 in the morning and 200 at night for a week and then I'll up it to 200 mg in the morning and 200 in the evening. I'm not sure how the hell Ill stay awake in the day time though... so this should be interesting.
There is some added stress on my relationship that wasn't there before. Because while she is supportive she still doesn't understand it completely. She doesn't get that finding the right combination of meds is a process and that I'm like a giant as guinea pig in the process...She doesn't get how for 2 weeks or a month I could be fabulous and then all of a sudden be on edge and irritable and not handle change very well. This most recent lack of adjustment came while we were on vacation in Colorado and I was meeting her family. I had already met her mom and dad before, but this time it was aunts, uncles, sister, brother, nieces, nephews, etc...and I maintained a good chunk of the trip, but the last three days were brutal for me. For whatever reason I didn't take any of my adavan which the doctor gave me for panic attacks or special occassions and well in my mind I wasnt having a panic attack, I was just overly irritated and not adjusted to all the fucking changing of plans and things out there... and all the video game playing and my lack of opportunity for a nap...
It was weird just the day before I had proposed to my girl... and now here i was ready to rip her head off for now apparent reason. I felt so alone and so isolated even though I was surrounded by people.
At my most recent appointment my doctor assured me that she gave me the prescription for adavan for me to use, not to get me addicted to it and using it doesnt make me less of a person, it will just make the hard times a little less hard and that now is the best time to be using it because we are still in the adjustment phase in that we are trying to find the right mix of things. Its just hard...
I've never stuck with meds long enough to find the right mix of things I always bail out within like a month...but I'm doing my best to keep my appointments with my doctor and my therapist and I have an agreement with my girl, well my fiance that if I quit my meds, shes gone... I get no more chances considering the damage I did the last time...
I just hate how I feel like no one but me gets it. I feel so fucking alone all the fucking time. And well it sucks to feel alone even when you physically have people around you. It sucks to have your schedule revolve around what pills to swallow... it sucks that I've put weight one because I had got used to the side effects of the pills, but now I'm doubling the dose so I'm tired all over again and not motivated to go to the gym and do shit about it and all i wanna do is eat chocolate because with my taste buds being fucked up, its the only thing that tastes good.
I miss my spontaneous ups and I feel very boring.I miss a lot about the old me, but I have to say good bye to her if I want to keep the things in my life that I love, like my girl, a paycheck, my family, etc... I have grown up responsibilities, and since I turn 30 at the end of this month... it's time to stop flaking out on this whole medication thing.
So now I've gone from 100 mg at night and 100 in the morning to 100 in the morning and 200 at night for a week and then I'll up it to 200 mg in the morning and 200 in the evening. I'm not sure how the hell Ill stay awake in the day time though... so this should be interesting.
There is some added stress on my relationship that wasn't there before. Because while she is supportive she still doesn't understand it completely. She doesn't get that finding the right combination of meds is a process and that I'm like a giant as guinea pig in the process...She doesn't get how for 2 weeks or a month I could be fabulous and then all of a sudden be on edge and irritable and not handle change very well. This most recent lack of adjustment came while we were on vacation in Colorado and I was meeting her family. I had already met her mom and dad before, but this time it was aunts, uncles, sister, brother, nieces, nephews, etc...and I maintained a good chunk of the trip, but the last three days were brutal for me. For whatever reason I didn't take any of my adavan which the doctor gave me for panic attacks or special occassions and well in my mind I wasnt having a panic attack, I was just overly irritated and not adjusted to all the fucking changing of plans and things out there... and all the video game playing and my lack of opportunity for a nap...
It was weird just the day before I had proposed to my girl... and now here i was ready to rip her head off for now apparent reason. I felt so alone and so isolated even though I was surrounded by people.
At my most recent appointment my doctor assured me that she gave me the prescription for adavan for me to use, not to get me addicted to it and using it doesnt make me less of a person, it will just make the hard times a little less hard and that now is the best time to be using it because we are still in the adjustment phase in that we are trying to find the right mix of things. Its just hard...
I've never stuck with meds long enough to find the right mix of things I always bail out within like a month...but I'm doing my best to keep my appointments with my doctor and my therapist and I have an agreement with my girl, well my fiance that if I quit my meds, shes gone... I get no more chances considering the damage I did the last time...
I just hate how I feel like no one but me gets it. I feel so fucking alone all the fucking time. And well it sucks to feel alone even when you physically have people around you. It sucks to have your schedule revolve around what pills to swallow... it sucks that I've put weight one because I had got used to the side effects of the pills, but now I'm doubling the dose so I'm tired all over again and not motivated to go to the gym and do shit about it and all i wanna do is eat chocolate because with my taste buds being fucked up, its the only thing that tastes good.
I miss my spontaneous ups and I feel very boring.I miss a lot about the old me, but I have to say good bye to her if I want to keep the things in my life that I love, like my girl, a paycheck, my family, etc... I have grown up responsibilities, and since I turn 30 at the end of this month... it's time to stop flaking out on this whole medication thing.
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