Once again I have found myself giving up on one of my meds... It's a giant game of roulette to which I just hope the odds are in my favor. I'm sticking with my antidepressant which lord knows I wouldn't survive without, but I have ditched the mood stabilizer because once again I found myself overly irritable and just down right bitchy. In addition, I was numb--some of you will understand what I mean by that...
Floating through life day by day, functioning like a normal part of society but stoic as fuck. Being incapable of any emotion, the numbness interrupted only by fits of bitchiness and the smallest things setting you off.
I can't live like that. I can't live without being able to feel--even if that feeling is sadness i would take it over the not feeling anything at all... I've had more fights with my wife than I have ever had the entire time we've been together...over four and half years (together, not married) She doesn't know who the hell I am and her patience is running thin--this is to be expected I suppose all things considered.
I was back to a low dose because the higher dose made me drowsy (like falling asleep on the way to work in the am, when I taken the crap shortly after dinner)--absurd. Moral of the story is I quit cold turkey...so I'll know in a few days whether or not that was a bad idea or not...
But for now at least I have a fighting chance. I was supposed to be able to get into see my dr on the 25th of this month...well unfortunately, I have a work trip planned now and I fly out that day so my next appointment isn't until march 12th... it's a good thing that I'm not on the edge and ready to end it all because I wouldn't be able to see my dr about it anyway...
I'm "crazy" enough on my own, I don't need pills that are supposed to help me be less to not crazy, even freakin' crazier...does that make sense?
Monday, February 18, 2013
Monday, February 4, 2013
Oh for the love of god
I haven't shared my disdain for this illness in some time. I'm back at the point of feeling helpless and alone even though I'm surrounded by people that care and are supportive. I'm a control freak who can't control this damn thing called bipolar disorder and it for a lack of better words, sucks ass.
I've been taking Latuda for the past couple of months because the Topamax was leaving me irritated and on the verge of snapping on the regular. My wellbutrin prescription remains the same and seems to be doing okay...the mood stabilizer portion of things is where we can't get it right--in theory.
At first I was on a 40 mg dose of Latuda which is low... well I found that it made me super tired so I took it in the evening, but even that was problematic because I found myself falling asleep on the way to work--no good. I'm not trying to have a vehicular manslaughter charge against me because my bipolar meds made me sleepy.... that would suck...
On the last visit my doctor felt that my experience thus far on the Latuda was hopeful despite the sleepiness part (even though I told her it wasn't working and I felt more down than in the middle...) So she decreased my dose to 30 mg...
So plus side is that I'm not as tired when I first wake up, downside is that I'm constantly agitated, moody, pissed off, and down and just wanting to sleep in general (not because I'm tired) but because I just can't cope with shit.
Last friday I was at home and went to make a sandwich...I opted for tuna salad but couldn't get the lid off of the sweet relish. I very loudly and irritably said, "MOTHER FUCKER" and my wife in the other room said, "What?" but in a "oh my fucking gosh what is the problem now you moody bitch and I lost it. I left all the shit for tuna salad out on the counter, went upstairs and took two xanax and got into bed... I slept for 6 hours and then was still ready to go to bed only a few hours after that that evening--no sense no sense at all.
I was supposed to go to the dr today but when they called and gave me courtesy call I cancelled it because I thought I could maintain... well it's gotten worse since then and of course now I can't get in until February 25th... I think I'm going to have to get on the cancellation list so that I can try to get in sooner... something's gotta give and I can't take much more of this...
I've been taking Latuda for the past couple of months because the Topamax was leaving me irritated and on the verge of snapping on the regular. My wellbutrin prescription remains the same and seems to be doing okay...the mood stabilizer portion of things is where we can't get it right--in theory.
At first I was on a 40 mg dose of Latuda which is low... well I found that it made me super tired so I took it in the evening, but even that was problematic because I found myself falling asleep on the way to work--no good. I'm not trying to have a vehicular manslaughter charge against me because my bipolar meds made me sleepy.... that would suck...
On the last visit my doctor felt that my experience thus far on the Latuda was hopeful despite the sleepiness part (even though I told her it wasn't working and I felt more down than in the middle...) So she decreased my dose to 30 mg...
So plus side is that I'm not as tired when I first wake up, downside is that I'm constantly agitated, moody, pissed off, and down and just wanting to sleep in general (not because I'm tired) but because I just can't cope with shit.
Last friday I was at home and went to make a sandwich...I opted for tuna salad but couldn't get the lid off of the sweet relish. I very loudly and irritably said, "MOTHER FUCKER" and my wife in the other room said, "What?" but in a "oh my fucking gosh what is the problem now you moody bitch and I lost it. I left all the shit for tuna salad out on the counter, went upstairs and took two xanax and got into bed... I slept for 6 hours and then was still ready to go to bed only a few hours after that that evening--no sense no sense at all.
I was supposed to go to the dr today but when they called and gave me courtesy call I cancelled it because I thought I could maintain... well it's gotten worse since then and of course now I can't get in until February 25th... I think I'm going to have to get on the cancellation list so that I can try to get in sooner... something's gotta give and I can't take much more of this...
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