So it's no secret that I'm fresh to the back on meds scene. I did a quick two week stint of Geodon which my doctor thought was promising based on the information I gave her about the side effects I hate about mood stabilizers and the guinea pig phase where we're trying to find the right doses and what not... The plus side is that it was fast acting so it was in my system within only a few days and really helped take the edge off around a really awful time in my life which was stressful for me (my grandfather and uncle died the same day)...so that coupled with an emergency supply of adavan should I have needed it which I didn't rely on too heavily, I was okay....but downside IT MADE ME RIDICUOUSLY HUNGRY. And let's face it. I'm no little girl as it is. I've already got over a hundred pounds to shed in the long term.... I can't eat nonstop and not worry about gaining even more weight. I'll pass on adding that to my already long list of issues.
I talked to my therapist and she suggested I talk to my doctor about Topamax. She didn't know how well it worked, but she said she had a bipolar patient who was on it and had lost a considerable amount of weight and was working well for her. So a couple of days later I talked to my doctor. She didn't seem too fond of the idea but wasn't against it. She seems to think we'll probably end up adding something to it in the long run, but for now we'll try it out. So far its good and bad. Good includes: I'm not hungry all the time, no sexual side effects (that's always a bummer to be on a medication that makes you feel better, finally be in the mood to have sex and then not be able to get off, ugh)... I've already lost 5.4 pounds, I feel decent
Bad includes, cold like symptoms (that might be allergies, but I don't know since they started the same time as the meds, lol), fucked up taste buds, like I have no sense of taste hardly, food just doesnt taste good, but works out for the weight loss--like right now I'm drinking black coffee, for me thats super weird considering i normally drinking more creamer than i do coffee....
My doc had me increase by increments of 25 mg every 5 days until I got to 100 mg which from what I'm reading still isnt all that high, but seems to be doing fine for the moment. Last night I took my first 100 mg dose and today was rough. I jsut wanted to call into work and sleep, I felt really run down and my running nose and sore throat stuff I've been dealing with was of course in full swing so my body is definitely adjusting...i took tomorrow off so that I could just decompress and get my mind right. I have another doctor appointment in a couple of weeks.
My only concern thus far was today. I was really agitated and just irritated in general. I even yelled at my dog alot she was just pissing me off. My girlfirend seemed excessively I dunno something, even though she was completely supportive of my adjustment....thats how i knew i needed to just come home take a nap and try again later.... the littlest shit was putting me in a bad state of mind today.
For now, I'm going to go take my meds and call it a night. Tomorrow is a new day and hopefully a much better one than today.
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
Friday, March 11, 2011
An introduction
I did not create this blog as a way for others to get information or do research...it was purely selfish in the sense that I just want to be able to talk about my moods, what may be causing them, coping with being bipolar after years of being in denial, etc... It is what it is.
I'll be 30 years old in a few months, which means I've been diagnosed as bipolar for nearly 10 years. I can remember back in the day in high school being an overachiever and having no problems that anyone could see and then all of a sudden... BAM... it was my sophomore year in college, shit just hit the fan. I began seeing a psychiatrist and from then on was marked with a giant B upon my forehead (but a pretty b, a be that sparkles and had bling) at least that's how I felt. I didn't want anyone knowing that I was bipolar.
I was textbook for real. I went bankrupt for my 21st birthday after racking up over 20 grand in debt in under four months... (that right there takes serious skill, though I'm not proud)... I don't want to dwell too much in the past, I do however want to lay some ground work.
You see, I'm a type two rapid-cycling bipolar person. If you aren't sure what that is, I'm going to have to request you google it. I'm sorry, but I'm trying like hell to stay focused here. I've most recently been without medication for over two years and had been seemingly okay... you know the normal ups and downs, but I've unfortunately hit that place again where I have to accept the fact that I need to be medicated.
You see, for me it's every 2 to 3 years that things become unbearable...where if I'd just stay on the meds, I wouldn't hit bottom like I tend to do every couple of years. It's frustrating. You see being bipolar, you have the ups and downs...the ups I L-O-V-E...the downs, obviously, I could do without. The problem is that the meds just put you in the middle which is what they are intended to do, but they make me feel boring. Often times zombie like... which is no good and well historically, if i feel like a zombie or like a boring person then I dont stick with the meds.
Considering my most recent "aha" moment that helped me conclude (a lil too late that it's time to be back on meds) I decided it was time to find one and stick with it... again, something I say every single time I get on meds, but hell...even if I'm dellusional this time I feel hopeful.
You see my thought was, that if I can avoid getting to the super super lows where I've found myself in the past...the ones where I found myself suicidal (though not in a conventional slit my wrists type of way, though thats another story and irrelevant for the moment)basically my thought was if I can avoid the bottom rung of the ladder then perhaps it would make getting the right balance of meds a lot easier. I always hate feeling like a guinea pig...here try this, okay did you like it, how did it make you feel, etc, blah blah blah. But what I hate most is the weight gain and sexual side effects... I mean hell... imagine a life where when your not depressed and actually do have a sex drive not being able to climax--UM, ILL PASS thanks...
I've got some things in the works...I'll keep anyone interested posted....
I'll be 30 years old in a few months, which means I've been diagnosed as bipolar for nearly 10 years. I can remember back in the day in high school being an overachiever and having no problems that anyone could see and then all of a sudden... BAM... it was my sophomore year in college, shit just hit the fan. I began seeing a psychiatrist and from then on was marked with a giant B upon my forehead (but a pretty b, a be that sparkles and had bling) at least that's how I felt. I didn't want anyone knowing that I was bipolar.
I was textbook for real. I went bankrupt for my 21st birthday after racking up over 20 grand in debt in under four months... (that right there takes serious skill, though I'm not proud)... I don't want to dwell too much in the past, I do however want to lay some ground work.
You see, I'm a type two rapid-cycling bipolar person. If you aren't sure what that is, I'm going to have to request you google it. I'm sorry, but I'm trying like hell to stay focused here. I've most recently been without medication for over two years and had been seemingly okay... you know the normal ups and downs, but I've unfortunately hit that place again where I have to accept the fact that I need to be medicated.
You see, for me it's every 2 to 3 years that things become unbearable...where if I'd just stay on the meds, I wouldn't hit bottom like I tend to do every couple of years. It's frustrating. You see being bipolar, you have the ups and downs...the ups I L-O-V-E...the downs, obviously, I could do without. The problem is that the meds just put you in the middle which is what they are intended to do, but they make me feel boring. Often times zombie like... which is no good and well historically, if i feel like a zombie or like a boring person then I dont stick with the meds.
Considering my most recent "aha" moment that helped me conclude (a lil too late that it's time to be back on meds) I decided it was time to find one and stick with it... again, something I say every single time I get on meds, but hell...even if I'm dellusional this time I feel hopeful.
You see my thought was, that if I can avoid getting to the super super lows where I've found myself in the past...the ones where I found myself suicidal (though not in a conventional slit my wrists type of way, though thats another story and irrelevant for the moment)basically my thought was if I can avoid the bottom rung of the ladder then perhaps it would make getting the right balance of meds a lot easier. I always hate feeling like a guinea pig...here try this, okay did you like it, how did it make you feel, etc, blah blah blah. But what I hate most is the weight gain and sexual side effects... I mean hell... imagine a life where when your not depressed and actually do have a sex drive not being able to climax--UM, ILL PASS thanks...
I've got some things in the works...I'll keep anyone interested posted....
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