Yes to anyone reading this I am alive and I am well...mentally and physically... it is a wonderful thing to say this.
I finished a great book the other day called Where are the Cocoa Puffs by Karen Winter Shwartz or something like that about a family's journey dealing with bipolar disorder....it was pretty good--I liked it.
And I heard something that warmed my heart. I was telling my neighbor across the street (I've recently moved back in with my mom because my partner lost her job and my job is soon to come to an end because of a company buy out if I havent already mentioned that... so we didn't renew our lease and opted to crash at moms until we figure out our next move) Well my mom's neighbor across the street is also bipolar... she has always stayed on her meds religiously, but she was diagnosed much later in life that I was so perhaps that made it easier for her, i don't know--everyone's situations are different I suppose. But anyway, while talking to her and my mom on the back porch with my friend Julie, before heading over to my brothers house for a party he was having my mom urged me to tell the neighbor the awesome news about my meds... at that point I shared with her about how we had finally after 11 years found the perfect cocktail of medications for me and I've actually not missed a single dose in the almost 5 months of seeing the doctor I've been seeing... the neighbor shared in the excitement and even my mom seemed to glow which I found to be odd and I couldn't quite understand... Then she explained to the neighbor that after her schizophrenic brother had killed himself in 1999, (I was diagnosed I guess around 2000)... and the fact she could never get me to stick with any meds... it was a good 10 years that she was on pins and needs and had a sinking feeling in her stomach worring that she'd get a phone call that I had done the same thing...because lets face it a good majority of bipolar people do end up killing themselves. So to hear how much relief me being on and sticking with my meds was bringing my mom really did make me feel good... I was like, damn, if I had only ever thought of anyone else maybe this whole journey would have been a little easier, but the problem was, it wasn't that I was ever being selfish... it truly was that my brain never gave me that option...does that make sense.
On top of that my partner has been going through some serious shit. She did finally get a job, but she hates it. She's had a constant black cloud around her and has been a total debbie downer...she's constantly snapping and yelling at me and just on edge ALL the time... she's picked up "stress" smoking, though looking at the number of cigarettes left in the pack it seems to be more serious in my opinion and I guess that I just always assumed that when I started feeling better and got "balanced" that she'd be happy at the same time you know and unfortunately that isn't the case... I finally had to tell her the other night after she questioned why I took a xanax at work the other day (she had called shortly after I took one and wanted to know why I sounded differently, lol so I told her)...
I explained that on a scale from 1 to 10 one being depressed and ten being manic the type of bipolar i have I've always hung out closer to 1...and no matter how much medication I have pumping through my veins I could very easily get sucked right back into the 1 range if I'm constantly surrounded by her downer attituded, her constant yelling at me and I can't do anything right attitude and that I love her and want to be there for, but I've come to terms with the fact that I'm at a point where i have to throw my hands up and walk away from whatever the hell she's going through and let her work it out on her own... I said it's just like me not drinking... I said I could probably have A beer and not die... I said but because i finally have the right combination of meds in my system, I'm too fucking scared to risk that something as simple as one beer or one glass of wine could fuck up the whole chemical utopia I have happening inside of me and I just refuse to take that chance...
I told her that I understand she's going through shit and that I truly do want to be there for her and want to make her feel better, but that I've tried everything I can to do that and at this point, I'm just tired of feeling like shit and a failure right along next to her. It's shitty to say it like that... because in reality this is the only woman I've ever wanted to work through anything with...anybody else I would have just tossed to the side...
Hell she's the reason I'm on medication... after my last manic phase... the one that caused me to do dumb shit that tore our relationship apart...it caused me to realize the sabotage I was doing to myself and to us... and well it was her that when i did accept the fact that I need help and I need meds said, hey... if you ever stop taking meds, I'm gone... which I dont doubt she would be. So I've talked to my doctor and she knows that there is the chance I'll lose my insurance, if that happens she's got a program in place where I can continue to get my meds and she said she will work something out to where I can continue to see her...even my therapist agreed to continue seeing me if I lose my insurance due to this company buyout thing... I just think that's awesome...
The past couple of days since the scale of 1 to ten conversation my partner/fiance has come home in a much better frame of mind... I don't know if she is just doing it for my benefit or if she is truly feeling better...I hope it's because she is truly beginning to feel better...but I am starting to see the old her... I don't want to lose her, but I had for a while to a dark place and I feared there was no getting her back. I think at this point it is a time will tell mission.
