So after being medicated since February or March and taking my meds successfully everyday (only missing one dose) My awesome greatness has come to an end. Many factors have come into play. I had hit a period in my treatment where my doctor had cleared me to not be seen for 3 months as my meds had balanced me out and I was doing really well after months of treatment. I was super excited and pretty sure I blogged about it.
Well since that time I had continued therapy, biweekly, venting about issues in my life... problems with my fiance, being overwhelmed with the kid in my life...etc... or the lack thereof. Since then, I haven't done therapy due to 90 hour work weeks (which everyone knows is way too much for any bipolar person to keep from cycling or hitting bottom) or falling victim to every stressor in their life.
I actually snapped at work (if you recall I work as a warehouse supervisor and am due to be laid off by the end of December...which just makes stress that much higher), but when I say snapped, I mean out of the ordinary for even my worst episode snapped, put my hands on someone and physically snapped, could have caught an assault charge snapped and as a person in a leadership position that is something I have a hard time forgiving myself for.
This particular day (it's been a month and a half ago now, since things have calmed down now and hell, I'll be lucky to have a job two weeks from now)-- things were stressful for everyone, we were in our 70th-some hour of the work week, deadlines were near being missed, product was missing, and since it is my job as inventory supervisor to find stuff, everyone was looking to me to find it. This is a little difficult considering that everything is done manually and that if a pallet is moved and not written down, then that's all she wrote it's "lost"... My boss, had started his new job at this point but was still coming to this one in the evenings to keep things "running smoothly" (OMG... that was a joke)... he always enjoyed pushing my buttons. He knew my situation (the bipolar thing and all), he always tried to push me over the edge, find a reason for me to have to take a Xanax to keep from losing it with him, he just like to push my buttons. He on this day went to far and just caught me at a bad time.
I was already at my wits end dealing with anything and everything that could have gone wrong when he came up behind me and yelled at the top of his lungs for the entire warehouse full of people to hear, I need to those boxes Tommy, GET ME THOSE BOXES, LIKE YESTERDAY, come on now... I turned and continued to do what I was doing which was helping an employee calm himself down (he was a forklift operator who was overly stressed and freaking out over the fact that the warehouse was so packed with product that he could barely drive the forklift down the aisle (we only had space for the forklifts to go one way down each side of the warehouse--it was ridiculous, so with pedestrian traffic it was really tough to move equipment through and a lot of our pallets were wider than the equipment at the time so I was trying to talk him down, because I knew how he was, he had worked with me the prior busy season and I knew how to handle him and get him through this tough time...)
It was then that my boss said some stupid shit, I couldn't even tell you what it was at this point, but it was enough to make me turn around, grab the buttons of his polo shirt with one hand, pull him into my face so that his face was level with mine and very clearly, and very seriously without flinching or blinking say GIVE ME A FUCKING REASON, GIVE ME A MOTHER FUCKING REASON... it wasn't until I heard the threads of his shirt rip and the button hit the floor that I realized what I had done and let go of him...
I would later find out that one of the leads (a 400 pound guy who I didn't know was capable of running, on a account he had spent the entire season leaning on a fan, had sprinted upstairs to get another supervisor and announce that I was in the process of killing the warehouse manager) it was scary for a lot of people apparently because they had never seen the rage side of me and hell, neither had I--at work.
Needless to say it's time to look into having my meds adjusted because I'm back into the depression side of things rather than the balanced. Good news is I haven't stopped taking the meds. Bad news is I don't have insurance so even if I get the meds adjusted I can't afford new ones. :( I have less than 30 days of meds left and then I'm out back... my meds are over a 700 or 1000 bucks a month without insurance and hell, i'm not going to pay for something that isn't working completely.
I finally went to the therapist two weeks ago, she pointed out that the anger, irritation, and just symptoms that I've been experiencing are definitely a part of the depression I'm going through, stuff that people around me know and see but that I fail to realize because well I'm living in my own personal hell right now. Worried about work, making my girl's life a living hell and starting shit with her again, even though she is bound and determined to stick by me, lol (that isn't funny or what I'm laughing at, you know it's just fucked up that I do this self sabotage thing and that I almost lost her again because I told her I was done... I was through and I really did think I meant it, but in the back of my mind I was scared shitless to be saying those words...) Unfortunately, I cycle the same time every year which falls around our anniversary, maybe we need to change our anniversary (but she can't get mad if I forget it, lol--I'm such a dude, ha)
I'm lucky to have her in my life, even if I am an asshole and can't focus on a relationship right now, she just has to know that me being with her, waking up next to her, spending time with her and the basic stuff is what I have right now, I have to get me back, just like she does, without two individuals, there is no "us"...
So yeah, depressed, scared shitless, still medicated, but its not working totally, but it's not NOT working completely so I'm going to go to the doctor on Dec 9th to tweek some things and see where we can go from there... OH did I mention that my doctor changed offices and didn't even notify me--yeah, imagine calling the doctors office to schedule an appointment and having to get her new office number AND NEVER BEING NOTIFIED WHAT THE FUCK. Yeah, I feel some kind of way and yeah, I will be bringing that up.
So there you have it. Happy friggin' holidays, lol.
