I did not create this blog as a way for others to get information or do research...it was purely selfish in the sense that I just want to be able to talk about my moods, what may be causing them, coping with being bipolar after years of being in denial, etc... It is what it is.
I'll be 30 years old in a few months, which means I've been diagnosed as bipolar for nearly 10 years. I can remember back in the day in high school being an overachiever and having no problems that anyone could see and then all of a sudden... BAM... it was my sophomore year in college, shit just hit the fan. I began seeing a psychiatrist and from then on was marked with a giant B upon my forehead (but a pretty b, a be that sparkles and had bling) at least that's how I felt. I didn't want anyone knowing that I was bipolar.
I was textbook for real. I went bankrupt for my 21st birthday after racking up over 20 grand in debt in under four months... (that right there takes serious skill, though I'm not proud)... I don't want to dwell too much in the past, I do however want to lay some ground work.
You see, I'm a type two rapid-cycling bipolar person. If you aren't sure what that is, I'm going to have to request you google it. I'm sorry, but I'm trying like hell to stay focused here. I've most recently been without medication for over two years and had been seemingly okay... you know the normal ups and downs, but I've unfortunately hit that place again where I have to accept the fact that I need to be medicated.
You see, for me it's every 2 to 3 years that things become unbearable...where if I'd just stay on the meds, I wouldn't hit bottom like I tend to do every couple of years. It's frustrating. You see being bipolar, you have the ups and downs...the ups I L-O-V-E...the downs, obviously, I could do without. The problem is that the meds just put you in the middle which is what they are intended to do, but they make me feel boring. Often times zombie like... which is no good and well historically, if i feel like a zombie or like a boring person then I dont stick with the meds.
Considering my most recent "aha" moment that helped me conclude (a lil too late that it's time to be back on meds) I decided it was time to find one and stick with it... again, something I say every single time I get on meds, but hell...even if I'm dellusional this time I feel hopeful.
You see my thought was, that if I can avoid getting to the super super lows where I've found myself in the past...the ones where I found myself suicidal (though not in a conventional slit my wrists type of way, though thats another story and irrelevant for the moment)basically my thought was if I can avoid the bottom rung of the ladder then perhaps it would make getting the right balance of meds a lot easier. I always hate feeling like a guinea pig...here try this, okay did you like it, how did it make you feel, etc, blah blah blah. But what I hate most is the weight gain and sexual side effects... I mean hell... imagine a life where when your not depressed and actually do have a sex drive not being able to climax--UM, ILL PASS thanks...
I've got some things in the works...I'll keep anyone interested posted....
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