You know in the movies when the main character is making a purchase that they don't want to be caught making (i.e. condoms, the stuff to get rid of crabs, kotex products even, whatever) they almost ALWAYS get caught.
Sometimes its in the form of a person they know bumping into them in the aisle and dealing with the awkwardness... but the really good ones are the ones that have issues with price or items that can't ge found...the clerk shouts through the loud speaker, "Hey Merv, I need a price check on ______ for this gentleman/lady here" Merv then hollers back through the store with the location or even better comes running up to the counter to "save the day" extending the product to the customer--at this point everyone in town knows their dirty little secret... awkward right?
Well yesterday I got the call from my doctor that my blood work was all good so I could start taking the Lithium that she prescribed as the next step in my "treatment." I go to Walgreen's and hand my RX to the girl and she with a puzzled look walks over to the girl at the pick up window and asks her a question. She had already spent a few minutes on the computer trying to figure this whole thing out. Well little miss helpful at the pick up window in her loudest voice imaginable (no really, on a scale of 1 to 10, 3 being normal indoor voice this chick was easily a 9.5) says, OH! THATS THE GENERIC FOR LITHIUM, GO OVER TO YOUR RIGHT DOWN THAT AISLE AND LOOK FOR LITHIUM CARBONATE!
That's about when I wanted to turn around climb up on a chair from the waiting area and proclaim "HI EVERYONE, MY NAME IS TOMMY AND I'M BIPOLAR!!!
Maybe that will be my next tattoo... bipolar in huge letters on my forehead....oh well it is what it is... I started it last night and I didn't die, so I guess we are off to a good start, lol. But that folks is my awkward movie for you...
Wednesday, March 13, 2013
Thursday, March 7, 2013
We now return you to your scheduled program...
I would like to start off by saying that I'm drinking the most dreadful cup of coffee I've encountered in a long time. What's worse is that I will continue to drink it until it is gone, simply out of principle.
I joined weight watchers this week because the course of different meds I've been over the last couple of years has finally caught up with me and has pushed me beyond my heaviest EVER!.
No bueno, you know? So long story short, I've reduced the amount of cream that I put in my coffee since with WW you have to count points... I'd rather use points toward something awesome, not just coffee creamer--but I digress.
The real topic of this blog is the latest and greatest in all that is Tommy's Bipolar Life. I'm happy to report that I've been functioning pretty well for a long time now and on days where I'm not at the top of my game, I've gotten pretty good at faking it and making myself go to work and do things I don't always feel like doing. The exception being housework which has gone from OCD in nature to just enough to get by and not be gross.
I went to see the dr yesterday. She had a cancellation so after months of trying to get in I was able to. I told her how impossible she is to get in and see and how because of that I weened myself off of my Latuda on my own without talking to her first. I explained further that it made me feel emotionally numb, but angry and irritable at the same time. Not to mention the lack of a sex drive was really killing my relationship and leading to fights that wouldn't normally happen if I handled biznazz for my wife, lol... but when you arent' thinking about shit like that it's easy to just neglect the concept in general. (this problem has since been remedied, lol)
The dr let me in a little secret and said to call up to the office, say I'm having probs with my meds and that I need the dr to call me--she can get me in that way... the nazi receptionists are obviously oblivious to how important it is to talk to a dr soemtimes when you are taking mind altering medications...
Well we looked at the lonnnnnng list of meds I've tried since being diagnosed back in 2000, omg that was a long time ago... and she gave me three choices that hadn't been tried yet: Lamictal, Seroquel, and Lithium.
Seroquel is in the same family of drugs that I've had the least success with so it would be a shot in the dark. Lamictal can't necessarily be equated to, but kind of falls in line with Topamax which worked for a while (but still left me irritable and snappy) so it would be hit or miss.
Lithium remains the tried and true treatment for bipolar (for those people who can handle all the side effects that come along with it.) I told her that agreeing to take Lithium freaked me out because then my disorder becomes real. It's no secret that I'm bipolar, but I don't introduce myself to new people as "Tommy the bipolar girl" I mean come on, (I wait until like the second encounter, sike)... but now pharmacy techs will "know" just from the name on the bottle. Friends/acquaintenances that come to visit my house and decide to read RX bottles on the counter or in the medicine cabinet will "know"... my son will soon be at the age where he will see Lithium in the house and "know" that one of his mom's is effing crazy (like he couldnt tell without that, lol) and well since my name will be on the bottle--the gig will be up... it will be official at that point.
I suppose the good thing is that at the end of the day I don't give a shit what people think. Granted I'm not going to leave a bottle of Lithium chilling on my desk in my office so that my employees know I'm bipolar... that's just not good business...
At the end of the day I agreed to the lithium. I'm at the point where its getting extremely difficult to play guinea pig to all of these "new" drugs that may or may not work... (for me) Since lithium does something with the kidneys in your body, I've got to get bloodwork done before I begin taking it to make sure my levels are legit. I've also got to get my thyroid checked because it can jack that up too... Once I get the go ahead I'll start with a standard 300 mg dose. Then five days later, about 8-10 hours after taking my nightly dose, I will go back to the lab and have another set of tests done so that they can determine what dose I should be on without being put into Lithium Toxicity...
Click here to see what I've learned about Lithium so far. Unfortunately... until I start taking it I have no idea what effects it will have on me personally, but I'm putting on my brave face and trying it anyway... wish me luck.
I joined weight watchers this week because the course of different meds I've been over the last couple of years has finally caught up with me and has pushed me beyond my heaviest EVER!.
No bueno, you know? So long story short, I've reduced the amount of cream that I put in my coffee since with WW you have to count points... I'd rather use points toward something awesome, not just coffee creamer--but I digress.
The real topic of this blog is the latest and greatest in all that is Tommy's Bipolar Life. I'm happy to report that I've been functioning pretty well for a long time now and on days where I'm not at the top of my game, I've gotten pretty good at faking it and making myself go to work and do things I don't always feel like doing. The exception being housework which has gone from OCD in nature to just enough to get by and not be gross.
I went to see the dr yesterday. She had a cancellation so after months of trying to get in I was able to. I told her how impossible she is to get in and see and how because of that I weened myself off of my Latuda on my own without talking to her first. I explained further that it made me feel emotionally numb, but angry and irritable at the same time. Not to mention the lack of a sex drive was really killing my relationship and leading to fights that wouldn't normally happen if I handled biznazz for my wife, lol... but when you arent' thinking about shit like that it's easy to just neglect the concept in general. (this problem has since been remedied, lol)
The dr let me in a little secret and said to call up to the office, say I'm having probs with my meds and that I need the dr to call me--she can get me in that way... the nazi receptionists are obviously oblivious to how important it is to talk to a dr soemtimes when you are taking mind altering medications...
Well we looked at the lonnnnnng list of meds I've tried since being diagnosed back in 2000, omg that was a long time ago... and she gave me three choices that hadn't been tried yet: Lamictal, Seroquel, and Lithium.
Seroquel is in the same family of drugs that I've had the least success with so it would be a shot in the dark. Lamictal can't necessarily be equated to, but kind of falls in line with Topamax which worked for a while (but still left me irritable and snappy) so it would be hit or miss.
Lithium remains the tried and true treatment for bipolar (for those people who can handle all the side effects that come along with it.) I told her that agreeing to take Lithium freaked me out because then my disorder becomes real. It's no secret that I'm bipolar, but I don't introduce myself to new people as "Tommy the bipolar girl" I mean come on, (I wait until like the second encounter, sike)... but now pharmacy techs will "know" just from the name on the bottle. Friends/acquaintenances that come to visit my house and decide to read RX bottles on the counter or in the medicine cabinet will "know"... my son will soon be at the age where he will see Lithium in the house and "know" that one of his mom's is effing crazy (like he couldnt tell without that, lol) and well since my name will be on the bottle--the gig will be up... it will be official at that point.
I suppose the good thing is that at the end of the day I don't give a shit what people think. Granted I'm not going to leave a bottle of Lithium chilling on my desk in my office so that my employees know I'm bipolar... that's just not good business...
At the end of the day I agreed to the lithium. I'm at the point where its getting extremely difficult to play guinea pig to all of these "new" drugs that may or may not work... (for me) Since lithium does something with the kidneys in your body, I've got to get bloodwork done before I begin taking it to make sure my levels are legit. I've also got to get my thyroid checked because it can jack that up too... Once I get the go ahead I'll start with a standard 300 mg dose. Then five days later, about 8-10 hours after taking my nightly dose, I will go back to the lab and have another set of tests done so that they can determine what dose I should be on without being put into Lithium Toxicity...
Click here to see what I've learned about Lithium so far. Unfortunately... until I start taking it I have no idea what effects it will have on me personally, but I'm putting on my brave face and trying it anyway... wish me luck.
Monday, February 18, 2013
and the cycle continues
Once again I have found myself giving up on one of my meds... It's a giant game of roulette to which I just hope the odds are in my favor. I'm sticking with my antidepressant which lord knows I wouldn't survive without, but I have ditched the mood stabilizer because once again I found myself overly irritable and just down right bitchy. In addition, I was numb--some of you will understand what I mean by that...
Floating through life day by day, functioning like a normal part of society but stoic as fuck. Being incapable of any emotion, the numbness interrupted only by fits of bitchiness and the smallest things setting you off.
I can't live like that. I can't live without being able to feel--even if that feeling is sadness i would take it over the not feeling anything at all... I've had more fights with my wife than I have ever had the entire time we've been together...over four and half years (together, not married) She doesn't know who the hell I am and her patience is running thin--this is to be expected I suppose all things considered.
I was back to a low dose because the higher dose made me drowsy (like falling asleep on the way to work in the am, when I taken the crap shortly after dinner)--absurd. Moral of the story is I quit cold turkey...so I'll know in a few days whether or not that was a bad idea or not...
But for now at least I have a fighting chance. I was supposed to be able to get into see my dr on the 25th of this month...well unfortunately, I have a work trip planned now and I fly out that day so my next appointment isn't until march 12th... it's a good thing that I'm not on the edge and ready to end it all because I wouldn't be able to see my dr about it anyway...
I'm "crazy" enough on my own, I don't need pills that are supposed to help me be less to not crazy, even freakin' crazier...does that make sense?
Floating through life day by day, functioning like a normal part of society but stoic as fuck. Being incapable of any emotion, the numbness interrupted only by fits of bitchiness and the smallest things setting you off.
I can't live like that. I can't live without being able to feel--even if that feeling is sadness i would take it over the not feeling anything at all... I've had more fights with my wife than I have ever had the entire time we've been together...over four and half years (together, not married) She doesn't know who the hell I am and her patience is running thin--this is to be expected I suppose all things considered.
I was back to a low dose because the higher dose made me drowsy (like falling asleep on the way to work in the am, when I taken the crap shortly after dinner)--absurd. Moral of the story is I quit cold turkey...so I'll know in a few days whether or not that was a bad idea or not...
But for now at least I have a fighting chance. I was supposed to be able to get into see my dr on the 25th of this month...well unfortunately, I have a work trip planned now and I fly out that day so my next appointment isn't until march 12th... it's a good thing that I'm not on the edge and ready to end it all because I wouldn't be able to see my dr about it anyway...
I'm "crazy" enough on my own, I don't need pills that are supposed to help me be less to not crazy, even freakin' crazier...does that make sense?
Monday, February 4, 2013
Oh for the love of god
I haven't shared my disdain for this illness in some time. I'm back at the point of feeling helpless and alone even though I'm surrounded by people that care and are supportive. I'm a control freak who can't control this damn thing called bipolar disorder and it for a lack of better words, sucks ass.
I've been taking Latuda for the past couple of months because the Topamax was leaving me irritated and on the verge of snapping on the regular. My wellbutrin prescription remains the same and seems to be doing okay...the mood stabilizer portion of things is where we can't get it right--in theory.
At first I was on a 40 mg dose of Latuda which is low... well I found that it made me super tired so I took it in the evening, but even that was problematic because I found myself falling asleep on the way to work--no good. I'm not trying to have a vehicular manslaughter charge against me because my bipolar meds made me sleepy.... that would suck...
On the last visit my doctor felt that my experience thus far on the Latuda was hopeful despite the sleepiness part (even though I told her it wasn't working and I felt more down than in the middle...) So she decreased my dose to 30 mg...
So plus side is that I'm not as tired when I first wake up, downside is that I'm constantly agitated, moody, pissed off, and down and just wanting to sleep in general (not because I'm tired) but because I just can't cope with shit.
Last friday I was at home and went to make a sandwich...I opted for tuna salad but couldn't get the lid off of the sweet relish. I very loudly and irritably said, "MOTHER FUCKER" and my wife in the other room said, "What?" but in a "oh my fucking gosh what is the problem now you moody bitch and I lost it. I left all the shit for tuna salad out on the counter, went upstairs and took two xanax and got into bed... I slept for 6 hours and then was still ready to go to bed only a few hours after that that evening--no sense no sense at all.
I was supposed to go to the dr today but when they called and gave me courtesy call I cancelled it because I thought I could maintain... well it's gotten worse since then and of course now I can't get in until February 25th... I think I'm going to have to get on the cancellation list so that I can try to get in sooner... something's gotta give and I can't take much more of this...
I've been taking Latuda for the past couple of months because the Topamax was leaving me irritated and on the verge of snapping on the regular. My wellbutrin prescription remains the same and seems to be doing okay...the mood stabilizer portion of things is where we can't get it right--in theory.
At first I was on a 40 mg dose of Latuda which is low... well I found that it made me super tired so I took it in the evening, but even that was problematic because I found myself falling asleep on the way to work--no good. I'm not trying to have a vehicular manslaughter charge against me because my bipolar meds made me sleepy.... that would suck...
On the last visit my doctor felt that my experience thus far on the Latuda was hopeful despite the sleepiness part (even though I told her it wasn't working and I felt more down than in the middle...) So she decreased my dose to 30 mg...
So plus side is that I'm not as tired when I first wake up, downside is that I'm constantly agitated, moody, pissed off, and down and just wanting to sleep in general (not because I'm tired) but because I just can't cope with shit.
Last friday I was at home and went to make a sandwich...I opted for tuna salad but couldn't get the lid off of the sweet relish. I very loudly and irritably said, "MOTHER FUCKER" and my wife in the other room said, "What?" but in a "oh my fucking gosh what is the problem now you moody bitch and I lost it. I left all the shit for tuna salad out on the counter, went upstairs and took two xanax and got into bed... I slept for 6 hours and then was still ready to go to bed only a few hours after that that evening--no sense no sense at all.
I was supposed to go to the dr today but when they called and gave me courtesy call I cancelled it because I thought I could maintain... well it's gotten worse since then and of course now I can't get in until February 25th... I think I'm going to have to get on the cancellation list so that I can try to get in sooner... something's gotta give and I can't take much more of this...
Tuesday, December 18, 2012
Who comes up with these names?
Latuda is the newest prescription I've been given to help keep my bipolar self in check. I had to stop taking the Topamax that I was using as a mood stabilizer because it was making me extremely irratable and way bitchier than normal. I was snapping on everyone if they even breathed in my direction... it was out of control.
I've been on Latuda for a couple of weeks and actually just called my doctor today and talked to her about increasing my dose because I was still pretty all over the place. We had started low because I'm so friggin sensitive to the side effects of all these mood altering mental stabilization drugs, lol. Tomorrow morning I'll starting taking the "normal lowest dose" of 40 mg and continue taking my Welbutrin daily.
I'm about to hit the two year mark of staying medicated which is my record. Hell, I beat my record every month really because I usually give up and quit after 3 months because nothing seems to work or if it is working then it means that i have no creative bone in my body or no sense of humor and well I'm just not me.
I accept the fact that being me comes with a bipolar spectrometer as an added "bonus"... a free gift if you will, but just because I'm a little unbalanced doesnt mean I can't be fun and creative and interesting too. I just refuse to be a drooling zombie who isn't able to enjoy life or function as a part of society...
The world would be missing out on a whole bunch if I gave in to the zombie drugs... not happening my friends not happening.
I don't hate this stuff so far so I'm going to stick with it.
I've been on Latuda for a couple of weeks and actually just called my doctor today and talked to her about increasing my dose because I was still pretty all over the place. We had started low because I'm so friggin sensitive to the side effects of all these mood altering mental stabilization drugs, lol. Tomorrow morning I'll starting taking the "normal lowest dose" of 40 mg and continue taking my Welbutrin daily.
I'm about to hit the two year mark of staying medicated which is my record. Hell, I beat my record every month really because I usually give up and quit after 3 months because nothing seems to work or if it is working then it means that i have no creative bone in my body or no sense of humor and well I'm just not me.
I accept the fact that being me comes with a bipolar spectrometer as an added "bonus"... a free gift if you will, but just because I'm a little unbalanced doesnt mean I can't be fun and creative and interesting too. I just refuse to be a drooling zombie who isn't able to enjoy life or function as a part of society...
The world would be missing out on a whole bunch if I gave in to the zombie drugs... not happening my friends not happening.
I don't hate this stuff so far so I'm going to stick with it.
Tuesday, November 27, 2012
Change of pace
I was soooo excited to be getting back on my mood stabilizer after not being on it for nearly a year due to lack of insurance and 400 mg a day of Topamax is high as "giraffe pussy." But after a few months of taking it I've already weined myself off...
Last time I took it I remember getting aggressive and easily pissed off but just figured it had something to do with the little kid that lives with me and my short attention span when it comes to him....
Turns out it wasn't just him, i wanted to tell my boss off for no reason, snapped at everyone and was always pissed off... it didn't matter what the occassion...
So hopefully I won't have any adverse reactions from quitting Topamax, I did try to taper off, but probably didn't do it as drawn out as I should have...today I feel queasy...
I think another few days and it will be out of my system completely. Time will tell...for now I'm done with it.
Last time I took it I remember getting aggressive and easily pissed off but just figured it had something to do with the little kid that lives with me and my short attention span when it comes to him....
Turns out it wasn't just him, i wanted to tell my boss off for no reason, snapped at everyone and was always pissed off... it didn't matter what the occassion...
So hopefully I won't have any adverse reactions from quitting Topamax, I did try to taper off, but probably didn't do it as drawn out as I should have...today I feel queasy...
I think another few days and it will be out of my system completely. Time will tell...for now I'm done with it.
Wednesday, September 26, 2012
Insurance at last
After an entire year of having no insurance I have finally rejoined the land of enchantment that is the insured. I went to my psychiatrist and only paid 15 bucks instead of the 60 dollar non insured price. The best part however was that I was finally able to get back on all my meds and the timing couldn't be more perfect. I've been having a rough month and the last few days have REALLY been extreme. I want to cry for no reason, feel really anxious and overwhelmed, down, tired, etc...just not great in general.
As of last night though I'm back on a mood stabilizer and an antidepressant instead of just the antidepressent which had been the case since at least December. I've been able to successfully maintain and am really quite proud of myself for staying medicated even though the cost was high as giraffe pussy...
I had the Walgreens savings plan which cut my RX from 400 bucks to 107.00 a month (but considering I was unemployed for 6 months that hurt--A LOT).
Last night when I filled my RXs, without insurance I would have paid 853.26 but instead paid only 24.14--so despite being pretty down, blah, crappy and ugh... at least there is a silver lining to something right now :)
I'm just crossing my fingers that nothing turns into a "preexisting condition" issue though--that will just piss me off and probably make me go postal.
As of last night though I'm back on a mood stabilizer and an antidepressant instead of just the antidepressent which had been the case since at least December. I've been able to successfully maintain and am really quite proud of myself for staying medicated even though the cost was high as giraffe pussy...
I had the Walgreens savings plan which cut my RX from 400 bucks to 107.00 a month (but considering I was unemployed for 6 months that hurt--A LOT).
Last night when I filled my RXs, without insurance I would have paid 853.26 but instead paid only 24.14--so despite being pretty down, blah, crappy and ugh... at least there is a silver lining to something right now :)
I'm just crossing my fingers that nothing turns into a "preexisting condition" issue though--that will just piss me off and probably make me go postal.
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