Oh for the love of god

I haven't shared my disdain for this illness in some time.  I'm back at the point of feeling helpless and alone even though I'm surrounded by people that care and are supportive.  I'm a control freak who can't control this damn thing called bipolar disorder and it for a lack of better words, sucks ass.

I've been taking Latuda for the past couple of months because the Topamax was leaving me irritated and on the verge of snapping on the regular.  My wellbutrin prescription remains the same and seems to be doing okay...the mood stabilizer portion of things is where we can't get it right--in theory.

At first I was on a 40 mg dose of Latuda which is low... well I found that it made me super tired so I took it in the evening, but even that was problematic because I found myself falling asleep on the way to work--no good.  I'm not trying to have a vehicular manslaughter charge against me because my bipolar meds made me sleepy.... that would suck...

On the last visit my doctor felt that my experience thus far on the Latuda was hopeful despite the sleepiness part (even though I told her it wasn't working and I felt more down than in the middle...) So she decreased my dose to 30 mg...

So plus side is that I'm not as tired when I first wake up, downside is that I'm constantly agitated, moody, pissed off, and down and just wanting to sleep in general (not because I'm tired) but because I just can't cope with shit.

Last friday I was at home and went to make a sandwich...I opted for tuna salad but couldn't get the lid off of the sweet relish.  I very loudly and irritably said, "MOTHER FUCKER" and my wife in the other room said, "What?" but in a "oh my fucking gosh what is the problem now you moody bitch and I lost it.  I left all the shit for tuna salad out on the counter, went upstairs and took two xanax and got into bed... I slept for 6 hours and then was still ready to go to bed only a few hours after that that evening--no sense no sense at all. 

I was supposed to go to the dr today but when they called and gave me courtesy call I cancelled it because I thought I could maintain... well it's gotten worse since then and of course now I can't get in until February 25th... I think I'm going to have to get on the cancellation list so that I can try to get in sooner... something's gotta give and I can't take much more of this...