I was watching tv with my partner last night and on this particular show, an actress portrayed someone with symptoms of mania. She had been diagnosed as bipolar in an earlier episode, but had been doing fine until this week's. It was weird for me.
What I mean is that everytime I see bipolarism portrayed on tv, that sure actresses and actors can act out the symptoms... how every bipolar person is stereotyped (or acted throughout history) to be but the viewers will never truly understand it unless they've been there. There are three different views when it comes to any bipolar person/situation.
View one comes from the families/friends point of view. Sure it is important to take this into consideration because a lot of times these are the people that are going to be able to get said bipolar person back in "the middle" of the spectrum of good and evil for a lack of better words, or in many cases perfect words. These folks are oftentimes what can make or break us. They have the ability to see what a bipolar person having an episode cannot, raise the proverbial red flag and take steps to fix the situation. They also have the power to see the changes, but do nothing and pretend that they will not be effected in the long run. Regardless, anyone who has a brother, sister, mom, dad, friend, or significant other that is bipolar has their own way of relating to bipolarism in general. Someone watching the show I watched last night that has say a family member who has had a manic phase, it may have been the first thought they have... "Oh I remember when (insert appropriate name here) acted like that, oh my god it was awful...I really hope I don't have to see that side of them EVER again."
View two comes from acquaintances and strangers... People who may work around bipolars, but not hang out with them on a level that they would catch the change in behavior...these are the people that would most likely brush it off as said bipolar having a bad day, or being hungover, or just super excited about life... In other words, these are the people that really don't know shit. It's not their fault, they just run the risk of being caught in the crosshairs of an episode. These are the people that are often the subject of "poor sexual choices" or ellaborate spending sprees... It doesn't effect them in the same way, because in these cases they are getting laid or having things bought for them (example, buying an entire bar a drink when in reality the only money in the bank is rent)... It's different for these people. They could watch the show I did and think, "Damn yo, that bitch is fucked up," and carry on with their day, not losing sleep over it.
View three is obviously the most relevant because it comes from the bipolar him or herself... (Don't get it twisted, I'm not trying to incenuate that because I'm bipolar I know more than the next guy or that because it affects me differently that my feelings trump one of the aforementioned categories...it's just different--they aren't even on the same playing field) See--me, I watch something like I saw last night and I relate to the character...I am then forced to think back to the time in my life when I had a very similar episode. Sure in one of mine I wasn't going off and ranting and having rapid speech and being all over the place with thoughts on the same topic, but the fact that I had my episode at all makes me immediately go back to that time. That time in my life that I really didn't like who I was, but at that particular time had no way of seeing that I was anything but right and that everyone else around me was just a downer, couldn't keep up, or didn't know shit.
We all fall into one of the categories above. Be it 1, 2, or 3... we are all affected, but affected differently. (It's funny I'm trying to remember when its appropriate to use effected vs. affected and I can't to save my life and I out of principal refuse to google it or find the correct way of doing because this is my time to get out what I have to say and I shouldn't care if it's grammatically correct... I just don't want someone to stumble upon this blog and think that I'm stupid, think I'm ridiculous, long winded or whatever, just not stupid, lol)--but back to what I was saying... At some point our lives will be altered by a bipolar person. Sure, I'm making it sound as if we are taking over the world, handing out flyers outside of restaurants and bars trying to recruit folks into the "oh so cool world of bipolar"--yeah fucking right...I wouldn't wish this shit on my worst enemy...why? You ask....
Because I as mentioned earlier I fall into category 3. I know what it's like to have a completely normal childhood and even teenage years and then all of a sudden wake up one day and just be "crazy." I know what it's like to go from being an overacheiving honor student in highschool to flunking out and taking a medical leave from college because I can't get out of bed, stop crying, or calling my mom every night at 2 am because I feel so alone and depressed. I know what it's like to be sobbing one day, cry myself to sleep only to wake and a few weeks later after coming down be able to access the damage I've done to myself, to my body, to my financial situation, and to those around me.
It's frustrating. It's frustrating as fuck to be quite honest. To try and explain it to someone who hasn't been there is just that, an explanation... it's not the experience. My mom and family, and most recently my partner have experienced my ups/downs from their category 1 seats... a set of bleachers on the sidelines, compared to the actual experience of the actual bipolar, but to the "1" their lives being torn apart just as bad if not worse than theirs.
Sure, while I can think back now and remember the day I sat in bankruptcy court on my 21st birthday because I managed to accumulate $20,000 in debt over a period of about 4 months. My mom can think back to the time after I moved back home and didn't get out of bed because I was over medicated with depakote.
While I can think about the time where I had a roommate in the nuthouse who had bandages on her wrists after her third attempt at offing herself, after voluntarily committing myself into the "looney bin" because I at that time was super low... While I can remember looking at everyone around me thinking, damn, my problems are nothing compared to these people (and yes classifying them as "those" people, as if I in reality wasn't one of THOSE people), While I can remember getting annoyed at the constant blood pressure checks and nurses shoving pills down my throat, when I just fucking wanted to sleep... use my stay as a vacation of sorts and escape from my life...but in the long realizing that it was going to be a ridiculous amount of money for what I could have just fallen off of the radar and gone to a Holiday Inn for. My mom however can remember how scared she was when I didn't even tell her where I was going, and then finally figuring it out, calling me there, and then crying because I was so out of it....she can remember feeling helpless on many accounts I'm sure.
While I can remember having great parties, getting blasted beyond belief, putting my body through hell and having sexual escapades just because at that time it felt like the thing to do... my sister can remember being left in an apartment that she couldn't afford because her sister was unreliable, couldn't pay her bills because she was maxed out, had creditors calling her, AND HER SISTER, and anyone else that I listed as person to call if I didn't pay. She can remember me breaking the pact we had made that we would never mess with the same guy... and almost hooking up with her boyfriend/crush or fuckbuddy, whatever he was--my actions only being foiled because I was on a new antipsychotic drug that wasn't supposed to be mixed with alcohol, made me start vomiting nonstop... escalating to alcohol poisoning and what looked like hives under my skin...
I turned to my partner last night and all I could say is I've been like that. She looked at me and said, "you've been like THAT...seriously?" You see while she's been in my life for over three years now...she just so happened to be around for one of my episodes. See I'm a rapid cycler and bounce back and forth, but have over the years somehow managed to recover from how debilitating bipolar was for me in my early 20s..History seems to show that every couple of years around the fall--I have a BIG EPISODE. She got the pleasure of finding out that I had cheated on her, broke her heart, lied to her, told her to basically fuck herself, that I didn't need her in my life (when in fact I was out of my fucking mind manic and she didn't know enough about my past to recognize it)... I'm sure she's now better prepared, but I'll never be able to have the level of trust I had before. I'll always have to see that look behind her eyes if I come home let from work with her wondering if I was "really" at work or not....
I explained to her about how thinking back I can remember times acting just like that...having these grand ideas of just getting in my car and driving to mexico and becoming a tattoo artist... meeting guys who I thought I was in love with when in reality I was just having an episode...and somehow created this whole dreamlike world of how things were going to be, when in reality there was no chance of that ever happening. I can think back and remember all the times that my mom told me something I was doing was a bad idea, or that I had made the wrong decision and standing behind it because I wanted to prove her wrong--I mean "what did she know"... I WAS ALWAYS RIGHT and by doing so would up being COMPLETELY WRONG.
If you haven't noticed that tv show representation of bipolarity triggered a lot of stuff inside of me. (No i'm not having an episode I assure you, though I am typing this very passionately as if it stays in my head it may cause an aneurism, lmao)...
It just made me remember all the dumb shit I did, but more importantly it made me realize how great my decisions are nowadays (most of the time)... For example I've been over a year on my meds... and I hit my one year mark of not drinking anything alcohol (while I never really had a problem with it, I just couldnt risk death mixing anything with my meds)... I drank a beer to celebrate. I missed the taste and since my doctor altered some of my meds and Im no longer on any super serious ones I figured it would be okay. In reality, sure it tasted good, but so does an O'Douls (nonalcoholic beer)... I didn't get a buzz from it (that's the funny thing about meds... you have so many mind altering chemicals pulsing through your veins... sometimes you have no reaction to others when mixed)... (oh and then i refilled my meds today, only to see DO NOT DRINK ALCOHOL WHILE ON THIS MEDICATION... apparently it increases my risk of seizures and what have you...) So not the smartest thing, but then again not the dumbest either. And the old me would have kept drinking until the buzz came, I stopped when I realized what was up.
I haven't done any type of drug in several years and have no desire to... I'm not trying to fuck up chances of a great career because I flunk a drug test... NO THANK YOU.
I guess to wrap this up, while all of us are affected differently, we are all effected. There will be times when my disorder is portrayed on tv, or some movie star will be outed for having what I do and it will make me think back to all the things Ive mentioned here AND OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH SO MANY MORE.... but I can't hide from it. I have to embrace who I am because bipolar doesn't define me, it's merely a disease that I didn't have a choice in having. I have goals now, 5 and 10 year plans for my career, continuing education (I'd like to get my Masters in supply chain management); I want to land a job in a state that has gay marriage so that I can marry the woman I love and have it be recognized as more than a civil union. Most important, I've learned from my mistakes and it's made me stronger every day since.
Friday, February 24, 2012
Monday, February 20, 2012
A long time gone
So I haven't posted here in quite some time. Things have changed drastically for me in my life. I seem to be coping without any huge setbacks and unemployment hasn't killed me, so I suppose that's a plus.
I stopped taking Topamax a while ago because it was wayyyy to expensive with no insurance...plus I was always agitated so we were going to try something different anyway. That led to Neurotin--wasn't a fan of that one due to it killing my sex drive and when I was in the mood couldn't accomplish anything (which is enough to put anyone over the edge, lol)... Well about a month ago my doctor decided that maybe we could try things without a mood stabilizer in the mix...RISKY...but worth a try.
I seem to be super sensitive to medications which sucks because it really makes finding the right mix super difficult. For the last month I've been on an increased dose of Wellbutrin, which is as most of you know an antidepressant.... The doctor also gave me a mood stabilizer (samples) just in case I flipped into mania.
She felt okay with that because of how many people I live with right now and see everyday or at least talk to and who will call me out if I go manic and don't realize it or am oblivious to it, because lets face it, mania makes you feel great but you do some really dumb shit in the process. (since I'm currently unemployed I'd rather not do dumb shit like spend money I don't have...I've managed to be responsible for quite some time now and don't wanna screw it up.
So anyway a month of no mood stabilizer hasn't been half bad... I still get agitated from time to time but hey who doesn't. Lol. I have been looking for jobs, interviewed a few places and have a trip coming up...the thing I'm looking forward to most with wherever I get hired is that no one will know my background...I can go in and just be "normal" and I really crave that in life. Not boring normal, but not psychotic normal, lol.
I dunno...I have an appointment tomorrow and think everything is going okay but I dunno. I haven't gone to my therapist in over a month because lets face it, who can afford a therapist and a psychiatrist when you have no insurance NOT ME... and let's face it medication trumps venting for right now anyway.
Life goes on, isn't miserable, but I'm restless... I need a change. I need a job so that I'm not forced to be at home all the time with my own thoughts--getting overwhelmed or bored and only wanting to sleep...
Plus I've done nothing but gain weight since the combo of no topamax and no job. I gotta get myself in the mindset to finally lose some weight. So much to do...plenty of time to do it right now, but no motivation.
So is life.
I stopped taking Topamax a while ago because it was wayyyy to expensive with no insurance...plus I was always agitated so we were going to try something different anyway. That led to Neurotin--wasn't a fan of that one due to it killing my sex drive and when I was in the mood couldn't accomplish anything (which is enough to put anyone over the edge, lol)... Well about a month ago my doctor decided that maybe we could try things without a mood stabilizer in the mix...RISKY...but worth a try.
I seem to be super sensitive to medications which sucks because it really makes finding the right mix super difficult. For the last month I've been on an increased dose of Wellbutrin, which is as most of you know an antidepressant.... The doctor also gave me a mood stabilizer (samples) just in case I flipped into mania.
She felt okay with that because of how many people I live with right now and see everyday or at least talk to and who will call me out if I go manic and don't realize it or am oblivious to it, because lets face it, mania makes you feel great but you do some really dumb shit in the process. (since I'm currently unemployed I'd rather not do dumb shit like spend money I don't have...I've managed to be responsible for quite some time now and don't wanna screw it up.
So anyway a month of no mood stabilizer hasn't been half bad... I still get agitated from time to time but hey who doesn't. Lol. I have been looking for jobs, interviewed a few places and have a trip coming up...the thing I'm looking forward to most with wherever I get hired is that no one will know my background...I can go in and just be "normal" and I really crave that in life. Not boring normal, but not psychotic normal, lol.
I dunno...I have an appointment tomorrow and think everything is going okay but I dunno. I haven't gone to my therapist in over a month because lets face it, who can afford a therapist and a psychiatrist when you have no insurance NOT ME... and let's face it medication trumps venting for right now anyway.
Life goes on, isn't miserable, but I'm restless... I need a change. I need a job so that I'm not forced to be at home all the time with my own thoughts--getting overwhelmed or bored and only wanting to sleep...
Plus I've done nothing but gain weight since the combo of no topamax and no job. I gotta get myself in the mindset to finally lose some weight. So much to do...plenty of time to do it right now, but no motivation.
So is life.
Tuesday, November 29, 2011
Balance Lost, Sinking fast....
So after being medicated since February or March and taking my meds successfully everyday (only missing one dose) My awesome greatness has come to an end. Many factors have come into play. I had hit a period in my treatment where my doctor had cleared me to not be seen for 3 months as my meds had balanced me out and I was doing really well after months of treatment. I was super excited and pretty sure I blogged about it.
Well since that time I had continued therapy, biweekly, venting about issues in my life... problems with my fiance, being overwhelmed with the kid in my life...etc... or the lack thereof. Since then, I haven't done therapy due to 90 hour work weeks (which everyone knows is way too much for any bipolar person to keep from cycling or hitting bottom) or falling victim to every stressor in their life.
I actually snapped at work (if you recall I work as a warehouse supervisor and am due to be laid off by the end of December...which just makes stress that much higher), but when I say snapped, I mean out of the ordinary for even my worst episode snapped, put my hands on someone and physically snapped, could have caught an assault charge snapped and as a person in a leadership position that is something I have a hard time forgiving myself for.
This particular day (it's been a month and a half ago now, since things have calmed down now and hell, I'll be lucky to have a job two weeks from now)-- things were stressful for everyone, we were in our 70th-some hour of the work week, deadlines were near being missed, product was missing, and since it is my job as inventory supervisor to find stuff, everyone was looking to me to find it. This is a little difficult considering that everything is done manually and that if a pallet is moved and not written down, then that's all she wrote it's "lost"... My boss, had started his new job at this point but was still coming to this one in the evenings to keep things "running smoothly" (OMG... that was a joke)... he always enjoyed pushing my buttons. He knew my situation (the bipolar thing and all), he always tried to push me over the edge, find a reason for me to have to take a Xanax to keep from losing it with him, he just like to push my buttons. He on this day went to far and just caught me at a bad time.
I was already at my wits end dealing with anything and everything that could have gone wrong when he came up behind me and yelled at the top of his lungs for the entire warehouse full of people to hear, I need to those boxes Tommy, GET ME THOSE BOXES, LIKE YESTERDAY, come on now... I turned and continued to do what I was doing which was helping an employee calm himself down (he was a forklift operator who was overly stressed and freaking out over the fact that the warehouse was so packed with product that he could barely drive the forklift down the aisle (we only had space for the forklifts to go one way down each side of the warehouse--it was ridiculous, so with pedestrian traffic it was really tough to move equipment through and a lot of our pallets were wider than the equipment at the time so I was trying to talk him down, because I knew how he was, he had worked with me the prior busy season and I knew how to handle him and get him through this tough time...)
It was then that my boss said some stupid shit, I couldn't even tell you what it was at this point, but it was enough to make me turn around, grab the buttons of his polo shirt with one hand, pull him into my face so that his face was level with mine and very clearly, and very seriously without flinching or blinking say GIVE ME A FUCKING REASON, GIVE ME A MOTHER FUCKING REASON... it wasn't until I heard the threads of his shirt rip and the button hit the floor that I realized what I had done and let go of him...
I would later find out that one of the leads (a 400 pound guy who I didn't know was capable of running, on a account he had spent the entire season leaning on a fan, had sprinted upstairs to get another supervisor and announce that I was in the process of killing the warehouse manager) it was scary for a lot of people apparently because they had never seen the rage side of me and hell, neither had I--at work.
Needless to say it's time to look into having my meds adjusted because I'm back into the depression side of things rather than the balanced. Good news is I haven't stopped taking the meds. Bad news is I don't have insurance so even if I get the meds adjusted I can't afford new ones. :( I have less than 30 days of meds left and then I'm out back... my meds are over a 700 or 1000 bucks a month without insurance and hell, i'm not going to pay for something that isn't working completely.
I finally went to the therapist two weeks ago, she pointed out that the anger, irritation, and just symptoms that I've been experiencing are definitely a part of the depression I'm going through, stuff that people around me know and see but that I fail to realize because well I'm living in my own personal hell right now. Worried about work, making my girl's life a living hell and starting shit with her again, even though she is bound and determined to stick by me, lol (that isn't funny or what I'm laughing at, you know it's just fucked up that I do this self sabotage thing and that I almost lost her again because I told her I was done... I was through and I really did think I meant it, but in the back of my mind I was scared shitless to be saying those words...) Unfortunately, I cycle the same time every year which falls around our anniversary, maybe we need to change our anniversary (but she can't get mad if I forget it, lol--I'm such a dude, ha)
I'm lucky to have her in my life, even if I am an asshole and can't focus on a relationship right now, she just has to know that me being with her, waking up next to her, spending time with her and the basic stuff is what I have right now, I have to get me back, just like she does, without two individuals, there is no "us"...
So yeah, depressed, scared shitless, still medicated, but its not working totally, but it's not NOT working completely so I'm going to go to the doctor on Dec 9th to tweek some things and see where we can go from there... OH did I mention that my doctor changed offices and didn't even notify me--yeah, imagine calling the doctors office to schedule an appointment and having to get her new office number AND NEVER BEING NOTIFIED WHAT THE FUCK. Yeah, I feel some kind of way and yeah, I will be bringing that up.
So there you have it. Happy friggin' holidays, lol.
Well since that time I had continued therapy, biweekly, venting about issues in my life... problems with my fiance, being overwhelmed with the kid in my life...etc... or the lack thereof. Since then, I haven't done therapy due to 90 hour work weeks (which everyone knows is way too much for any bipolar person to keep from cycling or hitting bottom) or falling victim to every stressor in their life.
I actually snapped at work (if you recall I work as a warehouse supervisor and am due to be laid off by the end of December...which just makes stress that much higher), but when I say snapped, I mean out of the ordinary for even my worst episode snapped, put my hands on someone and physically snapped, could have caught an assault charge snapped and as a person in a leadership position that is something I have a hard time forgiving myself for.
This particular day (it's been a month and a half ago now, since things have calmed down now and hell, I'll be lucky to have a job two weeks from now)-- things were stressful for everyone, we were in our 70th-some hour of the work week, deadlines were near being missed, product was missing, and since it is my job as inventory supervisor to find stuff, everyone was looking to me to find it. This is a little difficult considering that everything is done manually and that if a pallet is moved and not written down, then that's all she wrote it's "lost"... My boss, had started his new job at this point but was still coming to this one in the evenings to keep things "running smoothly" (OMG... that was a joke)... he always enjoyed pushing my buttons. He knew my situation (the bipolar thing and all), he always tried to push me over the edge, find a reason for me to have to take a Xanax to keep from losing it with him, he just like to push my buttons. He on this day went to far and just caught me at a bad time.
I was already at my wits end dealing with anything and everything that could have gone wrong when he came up behind me and yelled at the top of his lungs for the entire warehouse full of people to hear, I need to those boxes Tommy, GET ME THOSE BOXES, LIKE YESTERDAY, come on now... I turned and continued to do what I was doing which was helping an employee calm himself down (he was a forklift operator who was overly stressed and freaking out over the fact that the warehouse was so packed with product that he could barely drive the forklift down the aisle (we only had space for the forklifts to go one way down each side of the warehouse--it was ridiculous, so with pedestrian traffic it was really tough to move equipment through and a lot of our pallets were wider than the equipment at the time so I was trying to talk him down, because I knew how he was, he had worked with me the prior busy season and I knew how to handle him and get him through this tough time...)
It was then that my boss said some stupid shit, I couldn't even tell you what it was at this point, but it was enough to make me turn around, grab the buttons of his polo shirt with one hand, pull him into my face so that his face was level with mine and very clearly, and very seriously without flinching or blinking say GIVE ME A FUCKING REASON, GIVE ME A MOTHER FUCKING REASON... it wasn't until I heard the threads of his shirt rip and the button hit the floor that I realized what I had done and let go of him...
I would later find out that one of the leads (a 400 pound guy who I didn't know was capable of running, on a account he had spent the entire season leaning on a fan, had sprinted upstairs to get another supervisor and announce that I was in the process of killing the warehouse manager) it was scary for a lot of people apparently because they had never seen the rage side of me and hell, neither had I--at work.
Needless to say it's time to look into having my meds adjusted because I'm back into the depression side of things rather than the balanced. Good news is I haven't stopped taking the meds. Bad news is I don't have insurance so even if I get the meds adjusted I can't afford new ones. :( I have less than 30 days of meds left and then I'm out back... my meds are over a 700 or 1000 bucks a month without insurance and hell, i'm not going to pay for something that isn't working completely.
I finally went to the therapist two weeks ago, she pointed out that the anger, irritation, and just symptoms that I've been experiencing are definitely a part of the depression I'm going through, stuff that people around me know and see but that I fail to realize because well I'm living in my own personal hell right now. Worried about work, making my girl's life a living hell and starting shit with her again, even though she is bound and determined to stick by me, lol (that isn't funny or what I'm laughing at, you know it's just fucked up that I do this self sabotage thing and that I almost lost her again because I told her I was done... I was through and I really did think I meant it, but in the back of my mind I was scared shitless to be saying those words...) Unfortunately, I cycle the same time every year which falls around our anniversary, maybe we need to change our anniversary (but she can't get mad if I forget it, lol--I'm such a dude, ha)
I'm lucky to have her in my life, even if I am an asshole and can't focus on a relationship right now, she just has to know that me being with her, waking up next to her, spending time with her and the basic stuff is what I have right now, I have to get me back, just like she does, without two individuals, there is no "us"...
So yeah, depressed, scared shitless, still medicated, but its not working totally, but it's not NOT working completely so I'm going to go to the doctor on Dec 9th to tweek some things and see where we can go from there... OH did I mention that my doctor changed offices and didn't even notify me--yeah, imagine calling the doctors office to schedule an appointment and having to get her new office number AND NEVER BEING NOTIFIED WHAT THE FUCK. Yeah, I feel some kind of way and yeah, I will be bringing that up.
So there you have it. Happy friggin' holidays, lol.
Sunday, July 17, 2011
Just a random update
Yes to anyone reading this I am alive and I am well...mentally and physically... it is a wonderful thing to say this.
I finished a great book the other day called Where are the Cocoa Puffs by Karen Winter Shwartz or something like that about a family's journey dealing with bipolar disorder....it was pretty good--I liked it.
And I heard something that warmed my heart. I was telling my neighbor across the street (I've recently moved back in with my mom because my partner lost her job and my job is soon to come to an end because of a company buy out if I havent already mentioned that... so we didn't renew our lease and opted to crash at moms until we figure out our next move) Well my mom's neighbor across the street is also bipolar... she has always stayed on her meds religiously, but she was diagnosed much later in life that I was so perhaps that made it easier for her, i don't know--everyone's situations are different I suppose. But anyway, while talking to her and my mom on the back porch with my friend Julie, before heading over to my brothers house for a party he was having my mom urged me to tell the neighbor the awesome news about my meds... at that point I shared with her about how we had finally after 11 years found the perfect cocktail of medications for me and I've actually not missed a single dose in the almost 5 months of seeing the doctor I've been seeing... the neighbor shared in the excitement and even my mom seemed to glow which I found to be odd and I couldn't quite understand... Then she explained to the neighbor that after her schizophrenic brother had killed himself in 1999, (I was diagnosed I guess around 2000)... and the fact she could never get me to stick with any meds... it was a good 10 years that she was on pins and needs and had a sinking feeling in her stomach worring that she'd get a phone call that I had done the same thing...because lets face it a good majority of bipolar people do end up killing themselves. So to hear how much relief me being on and sticking with my meds was bringing my mom really did make me feel good... I was like, damn, if I had only ever thought of anyone else maybe this whole journey would have been a little easier, but the problem was, it wasn't that I was ever being selfish... it truly was that my brain never gave me that option...does that make sense.
On top of that my partner has been going through some serious shit. She did finally get a job, but she hates it. She's had a constant black cloud around her and has been a total debbie downer...she's constantly snapping and yelling at me and just on edge ALL the time... she's picked up "stress" smoking, though looking at the number of cigarettes left in the pack it seems to be more serious in my opinion and I guess that I just always assumed that when I started feeling better and got "balanced" that she'd be happy at the same time you know and unfortunately that isn't the case... I finally had to tell her the other night after she questioned why I took a xanax at work the other day (she had called shortly after I took one and wanted to know why I sounded differently, lol so I told her)...
I explained that on a scale from 1 to 10 one being depressed and ten being manic the type of bipolar i have I've always hung out closer to 1...and no matter how much medication I have pumping through my veins I could very easily get sucked right back into the 1 range if I'm constantly surrounded by her downer attituded, her constant yelling at me and I can't do anything right attitude and that I love her and want to be there for, but I've come to terms with the fact that I'm at a point where i have to throw my hands up and walk away from whatever the hell she's going through and let her work it out on her own... I said it's just like me not drinking... I said I could probably have A beer and not die... I said but because i finally have the right combination of meds in my system, I'm too fucking scared to risk that something as simple as one beer or one glass of wine could fuck up the whole chemical utopia I have happening inside of me and I just refuse to take that chance...
I told her that I understand she's going through shit and that I truly do want to be there for her and want to make her feel better, but that I've tried everything I can to do that and at this point, I'm just tired of feeling like shit and a failure right along next to her. It's shitty to say it like that... because in reality this is the only woman I've ever wanted to work through anything with...anybody else I would have just tossed to the side...
Hell she's the reason I'm on medication... after my last manic phase... the one that caused me to do dumb shit that tore our relationship apart...it caused me to realize the sabotage I was doing to myself and to us... and well it was her that when i did accept the fact that I need help and I need meds said, hey... if you ever stop taking meds, I'm gone... which I dont doubt she would be. So I've talked to my doctor and she knows that there is the chance I'll lose my insurance, if that happens she's got a program in place where I can continue to get my meds and she said she will work something out to where I can continue to see her...even my therapist agreed to continue seeing me if I lose my insurance due to this company buyout thing... I just think that's awesome...
The past couple of days since the scale of 1 to ten conversation my partner/fiance has come home in a much better frame of mind... I don't know if she is just doing it for my benefit or if she is truly feeling better...I hope it's because she is truly beginning to feel better...but I am starting to see the old her... I don't want to lose her, but I had for a while to a dark place and I feared there was no getting her back. I think at this point it is a time will tell mission.
I finished a great book the other day called Where are the Cocoa Puffs by Karen Winter Shwartz or something like that about a family's journey dealing with bipolar disorder....it was pretty good--I liked it.
And I heard something that warmed my heart. I was telling my neighbor across the street (I've recently moved back in with my mom because my partner lost her job and my job is soon to come to an end because of a company buy out if I havent already mentioned that... so we didn't renew our lease and opted to crash at moms until we figure out our next move) Well my mom's neighbor across the street is also bipolar... she has always stayed on her meds religiously, but she was diagnosed much later in life that I was so perhaps that made it easier for her, i don't know--everyone's situations are different I suppose. But anyway, while talking to her and my mom on the back porch with my friend Julie, before heading over to my brothers house for a party he was having my mom urged me to tell the neighbor the awesome news about my meds... at that point I shared with her about how we had finally after 11 years found the perfect cocktail of medications for me and I've actually not missed a single dose in the almost 5 months of seeing the doctor I've been seeing... the neighbor shared in the excitement and even my mom seemed to glow which I found to be odd and I couldn't quite understand... Then she explained to the neighbor that after her schizophrenic brother had killed himself in 1999, (I was diagnosed I guess around 2000)... and the fact she could never get me to stick with any meds... it was a good 10 years that she was on pins and needs and had a sinking feeling in her stomach worring that she'd get a phone call that I had done the same thing...because lets face it a good majority of bipolar people do end up killing themselves. So to hear how much relief me being on and sticking with my meds was bringing my mom really did make me feel good... I was like, damn, if I had only ever thought of anyone else maybe this whole journey would have been a little easier, but the problem was, it wasn't that I was ever being selfish... it truly was that my brain never gave me that option...does that make sense.
On top of that my partner has been going through some serious shit. She did finally get a job, but she hates it. She's had a constant black cloud around her and has been a total debbie downer...she's constantly snapping and yelling at me and just on edge ALL the time... she's picked up "stress" smoking, though looking at the number of cigarettes left in the pack it seems to be more serious in my opinion and I guess that I just always assumed that when I started feeling better and got "balanced" that she'd be happy at the same time you know and unfortunately that isn't the case... I finally had to tell her the other night after she questioned why I took a xanax at work the other day (she had called shortly after I took one and wanted to know why I sounded differently, lol so I told her)...
I explained that on a scale from 1 to 10 one being depressed and ten being manic the type of bipolar i have I've always hung out closer to 1...and no matter how much medication I have pumping through my veins I could very easily get sucked right back into the 1 range if I'm constantly surrounded by her downer attituded, her constant yelling at me and I can't do anything right attitude and that I love her and want to be there for, but I've come to terms with the fact that I'm at a point where i have to throw my hands up and walk away from whatever the hell she's going through and let her work it out on her own... I said it's just like me not drinking... I said I could probably have A beer and not die... I said but because i finally have the right combination of meds in my system, I'm too fucking scared to risk that something as simple as one beer or one glass of wine could fuck up the whole chemical utopia I have happening inside of me and I just refuse to take that chance...
I told her that I understand she's going through shit and that I truly do want to be there for her and want to make her feel better, but that I've tried everything I can to do that and at this point, I'm just tired of feeling like shit and a failure right along next to her. It's shitty to say it like that... because in reality this is the only woman I've ever wanted to work through anything with...anybody else I would have just tossed to the side...
Hell she's the reason I'm on medication... after my last manic phase... the one that caused me to do dumb shit that tore our relationship apart...it caused me to realize the sabotage I was doing to myself and to us... and well it was her that when i did accept the fact that I need help and I need meds said, hey... if you ever stop taking meds, I'm gone... which I dont doubt she would be. So I've talked to my doctor and she knows that there is the chance I'll lose my insurance, if that happens she's got a program in place where I can continue to get my meds and she said she will work something out to where I can continue to see her...even my therapist agreed to continue seeing me if I lose my insurance due to this company buyout thing... I just think that's awesome...
The past couple of days since the scale of 1 to ten conversation my partner/fiance has come home in a much better frame of mind... I don't know if she is just doing it for my benefit or if she is truly feeling better...I hope it's because she is truly beginning to feel better...but I am starting to see the old her... I don't want to lose her, but I had for a while to a dark place and I feared there was no getting her back. I think at this point it is a time will tell mission.
Monday, June 27, 2011
Celebration
People celebrate for many different reasons... I am celebrating something very special to me... AFTER 11 YEARS OF TRYING (though not consistently)... it would seem that for now at least my doctor and I have found the right balance of medications for me :) I have been cleared for now and don't have to go and see her for another three months (instead of every two to three weeks), unless something goes wrong and I feel like something is out of whack and then I can call and schedule an appointment any time before then.
This is a totally big deal for me... It took about 4 months but I got here :) I was patient and I did it :) this is a huge freaking step for me and I am soooooo excited. I just don't think anyone around me gets how big of a deal this really is, lol. My sister calls me regularly to tell me about her weight loss, she's down almost 70 pounds now, and sure I'm proud of her, though most of the time I'm sure she's just gloating at this point... so I called her to tell her of my psychological breath through... and I said, hey I might still be fat, but I'm balanced woohoo... she was like, yeah that's definitely better than fat and crazy. (bitch)
Fuck it... I'm happy. I'm proud of myself, even if no one else gets it. I've never been here before and this is a huge milestone for me. I haven't drank any alcohol in months and while I never really had a problem with it, I gave it up because I didn't want it to interfere with the medication(s) working... I haven't done any kind of drugs IN YEARS... my only problem now a days is food and not exercising so I guess after I finish moving and surviving the current stressors in my life... I will conquer those obstacles... because the thing that I used to consider an evil beast--medication, is now nothing more than a tamed teddy bear.
How exciting.
This is a totally big deal for me... It took about 4 months but I got here :) I was patient and I did it :) this is a huge freaking step for me and I am soooooo excited. I just don't think anyone around me gets how big of a deal this really is, lol. My sister calls me regularly to tell me about her weight loss, she's down almost 70 pounds now, and sure I'm proud of her, though most of the time I'm sure she's just gloating at this point... so I called her to tell her of my psychological breath through... and I said, hey I might still be fat, but I'm balanced woohoo... she was like, yeah that's definitely better than fat and crazy. (bitch)
Fuck it... I'm happy. I'm proud of myself, even if no one else gets it. I've never been here before and this is a huge milestone for me. I haven't drank any alcohol in months and while I never really had a problem with it, I gave it up because I didn't want it to interfere with the medication(s) working... I haven't done any kind of drugs IN YEARS... my only problem now a days is food and not exercising so I guess after I finish moving and surviving the current stressors in my life... I will conquer those obstacles... because the thing that I used to consider an evil beast--medication, is now nothing more than a tamed teddy bear.
How exciting.
Tuesday, June 21, 2011
sleep patterns
I've been taking my meds on a regular schedule...What I'm noticing lately and I think it's because of the amount of stress and anxiety I have on my plate right now (which I'm handling quite well, but may be affecting my sleep patterns).. .is the following...
5:00-6:30 am (closer to 6:30 am on my days off...)
100 mg Topamax
300 mg Wellbutrin
pill for acid reflux
B12
8:30-10:00 pm
300 mg Topamax
I'm thinking of pushing the Topamax to closer to maybe 6 or 7 to see if it won't make me more sleepy earlier in the evening because I'm finding myself laying in bed, my body wore our but my brain and eyeballs like wired and ready to go...
Then in the morning... I'm waking up ten to thirty minutes prior to my alarm going off... so getting up at like 4:30 in the morning... is RIDICULOUS, especially on days when you don't have work... AND NOT BEING ABLE TO GO BACK TO SLEEP EVEN MORE SO... but then needing a nap a few hours later and not being able to get one is crucial...
I have to go back to the doctor next Monday... she wanted to give me something to help me sleep then, but I didn't want it, if I tell her this she is probably going to insist... the thing is I'm still getting enough sleep, it's just weird... like right now I'm yawning and my body feels tired and my mind feels like it didn't get enough sleep because the stressors in my life right now are causing really vivid awful dreams so I'm not getting that normal coma like sleep that I get on these meds... and its been like that for a week now... I'm sure I'll figure it out...
5:00-6:30 am (closer to 6:30 am on my days off...)
100 mg Topamax
300 mg Wellbutrin
pill for acid reflux
B12
8:30-10:00 pm
300 mg Topamax
I'm thinking of pushing the Topamax to closer to maybe 6 or 7 to see if it won't make me more sleepy earlier in the evening because I'm finding myself laying in bed, my body wore our but my brain and eyeballs like wired and ready to go...
Then in the morning... I'm waking up ten to thirty minutes prior to my alarm going off... so getting up at like 4:30 in the morning... is RIDICULOUS, especially on days when you don't have work... AND NOT BEING ABLE TO GO BACK TO SLEEP EVEN MORE SO... but then needing a nap a few hours later and not being able to get one is crucial...
I have to go back to the doctor next Monday... she wanted to give me something to help me sleep then, but I didn't want it, if I tell her this she is probably going to insist... the thing is I'm still getting enough sleep, it's just weird... like right now I'm yawning and my body feels tired and my mind feels like it didn't get enough sleep because the stressors in my life right now are causing really vivid awful dreams so I'm not getting that normal coma like sleep that I get on these meds... and its been like that for a week now... I'm sure I'll figure it out...
Wednesday, June 15, 2011
Stress Management
Yesterday, after nearly a month of drama in her work place and a sense of lingering doom my partner was fired from her job... she had worked for her company for 13 years. On top of that she disclosed some details to me that while I'm not going to share them here would on a normal day, probably sent me over the edge...
But this wasn't a normal day. You see... this was a balanced day... these are becoming more of the norm, which is a good thing... so needless to say stress management is becoming more like second nature. Hell, yesterday my partner asked me how I was taking everything so calmly, how I was so positive about the whole thing; how after what she had just told me I wasn't ready to rip her head off...
Two things really: 1. Medication (the right dosage for me, getting there finally)... and 2. I thought back to my most recent episode of mania and all the shit I had put her through and how I'd be a complete and total hypocrite to flip my lid or call her out on something that she didn't even do on a scale nearly as bad as I had just done months prior...
I was more hurt to notice that she didn't come home with a painting I had done for her on her first birthday we celebrated together... I was already planning to go to work and ask someone to take it down and give it to me... later when I asked about it she told me a story about how months ago during a break up spell (our only one in three years (which happens to coincide with my only manic episode) while she was hurting, she destroyed the canvas and all that the canvas was... she had apparently forgot this fact until her assistant reminded her when she started looking for it because it wasn't up on the wall anymore... (I had been asking about it for a while)...
This is what it looked like: (at least I took at picture of it, lol... it's simple... I just like the colors of it)...
It's funny to me out of everything, I was most hurt that she destroyed something I made for her...not that she was fired, not the confession she told me, not anything from the entire day... just the fact that my artwork was a destroyed... I felt like a piece of me had been destroyed... a piece of me that I had given her... it's dumb I know, but that's how it felt at that moment...It can always be repainted should I choose to... it's just paint and canvas...At least my stress management is under control. Today there is a bit of an knot in my stomach and reality is setting in ... I'm a little anxious, but not to the point of a xanax by any means... I'm going to go do some manual labor in the warehouse to take my mind off of it. In time, this too shall pass.
But this wasn't a normal day. You see... this was a balanced day... these are becoming more of the norm, which is a good thing... so needless to say stress management is becoming more like second nature. Hell, yesterday my partner asked me how I was taking everything so calmly, how I was so positive about the whole thing; how after what she had just told me I wasn't ready to rip her head off...
Two things really: 1. Medication (the right dosage for me, getting there finally)... and 2. I thought back to my most recent episode of mania and all the shit I had put her through and how I'd be a complete and total hypocrite to flip my lid or call her out on something that she didn't even do on a scale nearly as bad as I had just done months prior...
I was more hurt to notice that she didn't come home with a painting I had done for her on her first birthday we celebrated together... I was already planning to go to work and ask someone to take it down and give it to me... later when I asked about it she told me a story about how months ago during a break up spell (our only one in three years (which happens to coincide with my only manic episode) while she was hurting, she destroyed the canvas and all that the canvas was... she had apparently forgot this fact until her assistant reminded her when she started looking for it because it wasn't up on the wall anymore... (I had been asking about it for a while)...
This is what it looked like: (at least I took at picture of it, lol... it's simple... I just like the colors of it)...
It's funny to me out of everything, I was most hurt that she destroyed something I made for her...not that she was fired, not the confession she told me, not anything from the entire day... just the fact that my artwork was a destroyed... I felt like a piece of me had been destroyed... a piece of me that I had given her... it's dumb I know, but that's how it felt at that moment...It can always be repainted should I choose to... it's just paint and canvas...At least my stress management is under control. Today there is a bit of an knot in my stomach and reality is setting in ... I'm a little anxious, but not to the point of a xanax by any means... I'm going to go do some manual labor in the warehouse to take my mind off of it. In time, this too shall pass.
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