So after being medicated since February or March and taking my meds successfully everyday (only missing one dose) My awesome greatness has come to an end. Many factors have come into play. I had hit a period in my treatment where my doctor had cleared me to not be seen for 3 months as my meds had balanced me out and I was doing really well after months of treatment. I was super excited and pretty sure I blogged about it.
Well since that time I had continued therapy, biweekly, venting about issues in my life... problems with my fiance, being overwhelmed with the kid in my life...etc... or the lack thereof. Since then, I haven't done therapy due to 90 hour work weeks (which everyone knows is way too much for any bipolar person to keep from cycling or hitting bottom) or falling victim to every stressor in their life.
I actually snapped at work (if you recall I work as a warehouse supervisor and am due to be laid off by the end of December...which just makes stress that much higher), but when I say snapped, I mean out of the ordinary for even my worst episode snapped, put my hands on someone and physically snapped, could have caught an assault charge snapped and as a person in a leadership position that is something I have a hard time forgiving myself for.
This particular day (it's been a month and a half ago now, since things have calmed down now and hell, I'll be lucky to have a job two weeks from now)-- things were stressful for everyone, we were in our 70th-some hour of the work week, deadlines were near being missed, product was missing, and since it is my job as inventory supervisor to find stuff, everyone was looking to me to find it. This is a little difficult considering that everything is done manually and that if a pallet is moved and not written down, then that's all she wrote it's "lost"... My boss, had started his new job at this point but was still coming to this one in the evenings to keep things "running smoothly" (OMG... that was a joke)... he always enjoyed pushing my buttons. He knew my situation (the bipolar thing and all), he always tried to push me over the edge, find a reason for me to have to take a Xanax to keep from losing it with him, he just like to push my buttons. He on this day went to far and just caught me at a bad time.
I was already at my wits end dealing with anything and everything that could have gone wrong when he came up behind me and yelled at the top of his lungs for the entire warehouse full of people to hear, I need to those boxes Tommy, GET ME THOSE BOXES, LIKE YESTERDAY, come on now... I turned and continued to do what I was doing which was helping an employee calm himself down (he was a forklift operator who was overly stressed and freaking out over the fact that the warehouse was so packed with product that he could barely drive the forklift down the aisle (we only had space for the forklifts to go one way down each side of the warehouse--it was ridiculous, so with pedestrian traffic it was really tough to move equipment through and a lot of our pallets were wider than the equipment at the time so I was trying to talk him down, because I knew how he was, he had worked with me the prior busy season and I knew how to handle him and get him through this tough time...)
It was then that my boss said some stupid shit, I couldn't even tell you what it was at this point, but it was enough to make me turn around, grab the buttons of his polo shirt with one hand, pull him into my face so that his face was level with mine and very clearly, and very seriously without flinching or blinking say GIVE ME A FUCKING REASON, GIVE ME A MOTHER FUCKING REASON... it wasn't until I heard the threads of his shirt rip and the button hit the floor that I realized what I had done and let go of him...
I would later find out that one of the leads (a 400 pound guy who I didn't know was capable of running, on a account he had spent the entire season leaning on a fan, had sprinted upstairs to get another supervisor and announce that I was in the process of killing the warehouse manager) it was scary for a lot of people apparently because they had never seen the rage side of me and hell, neither had I--at work.
Needless to say it's time to look into having my meds adjusted because I'm back into the depression side of things rather than the balanced. Good news is I haven't stopped taking the meds. Bad news is I don't have insurance so even if I get the meds adjusted I can't afford new ones. :( I have less than 30 days of meds left and then I'm out back... my meds are over a 700 or 1000 bucks a month without insurance and hell, i'm not going to pay for something that isn't working completely.
I finally went to the therapist two weeks ago, she pointed out that the anger, irritation, and just symptoms that I've been experiencing are definitely a part of the depression I'm going through, stuff that people around me know and see but that I fail to realize because well I'm living in my own personal hell right now. Worried about work, making my girl's life a living hell and starting shit with her again, even though she is bound and determined to stick by me, lol (that isn't funny or what I'm laughing at, you know it's just fucked up that I do this self sabotage thing and that I almost lost her again because I told her I was done... I was through and I really did think I meant it, but in the back of my mind I was scared shitless to be saying those words...) Unfortunately, I cycle the same time every year which falls around our anniversary, maybe we need to change our anniversary (but she can't get mad if I forget it, lol--I'm such a dude, ha)
I'm lucky to have her in my life, even if I am an asshole and can't focus on a relationship right now, she just has to know that me being with her, waking up next to her, spending time with her and the basic stuff is what I have right now, I have to get me back, just like she does, without two individuals, there is no "us"...
So yeah, depressed, scared shitless, still medicated, but its not working totally, but it's not NOT working completely so I'm going to go to the doctor on Dec 9th to tweek some things and see where we can go from there... OH did I mention that my doctor changed offices and didn't even notify me--yeah, imagine calling the doctors office to schedule an appointment and having to get her new office number AND NEVER BEING NOTIFIED WHAT THE FUCK. Yeah, I feel some kind of way and yeah, I will be bringing that up.
So there you have it. Happy friggin' holidays, lol.
Tuesday, November 29, 2011
Sunday, July 17, 2011
Just a random update
Yes to anyone reading this I am alive and I am well...mentally and physically... it is a wonderful thing to say this.
I finished a great book the other day called Where are the Cocoa Puffs by Karen Winter Shwartz or something like that about a family's journey dealing with bipolar disorder....it was pretty good--I liked it.
And I heard something that warmed my heart. I was telling my neighbor across the street (I've recently moved back in with my mom because my partner lost her job and my job is soon to come to an end because of a company buy out if I havent already mentioned that... so we didn't renew our lease and opted to crash at moms until we figure out our next move) Well my mom's neighbor across the street is also bipolar... she has always stayed on her meds religiously, but she was diagnosed much later in life that I was so perhaps that made it easier for her, i don't know--everyone's situations are different I suppose. But anyway, while talking to her and my mom on the back porch with my friend Julie, before heading over to my brothers house for a party he was having my mom urged me to tell the neighbor the awesome news about my meds... at that point I shared with her about how we had finally after 11 years found the perfect cocktail of medications for me and I've actually not missed a single dose in the almost 5 months of seeing the doctor I've been seeing... the neighbor shared in the excitement and even my mom seemed to glow which I found to be odd and I couldn't quite understand... Then she explained to the neighbor that after her schizophrenic brother had killed himself in 1999, (I was diagnosed I guess around 2000)... and the fact she could never get me to stick with any meds... it was a good 10 years that she was on pins and needs and had a sinking feeling in her stomach worring that she'd get a phone call that I had done the same thing...because lets face it a good majority of bipolar people do end up killing themselves. So to hear how much relief me being on and sticking with my meds was bringing my mom really did make me feel good... I was like, damn, if I had only ever thought of anyone else maybe this whole journey would have been a little easier, but the problem was, it wasn't that I was ever being selfish... it truly was that my brain never gave me that option...does that make sense.
On top of that my partner has been going through some serious shit. She did finally get a job, but she hates it. She's had a constant black cloud around her and has been a total debbie downer...she's constantly snapping and yelling at me and just on edge ALL the time... she's picked up "stress" smoking, though looking at the number of cigarettes left in the pack it seems to be more serious in my opinion and I guess that I just always assumed that when I started feeling better and got "balanced" that she'd be happy at the same time you know and unfortunately that isn't the case... I finally had to tell her the other night after she questioned why I took a xanax at work the other day (she had called shortly after I took one and wanted to know why I sounded differently, lol so I told her)...
I explained that on a scale from 1 to 10 one being depressed and ten being manic the type of bipolar i have I've always hung out closer to 1...and no matter how much medication I have pumping through my veins I could very easily get sucked right back into the 1 range if I'm constantly surrounded by her downer attituded, her constant yelling at me and I can't do anything right attitude and that I love her and want to be there for, but I've come to terms with the fact that I'm at a point where i have to throw my hands up and walk away from whatever the hell she's going through and let her work it out on her own... I said it's just like me not drinking... I said I could probably have A beer and not die... I said but because i finally have the right combination of meds in my system, I'm too fucking scared to risk that something as simple as one beer or one glass of wine could fuck up the whole chemical utopia I have happening inside of me and I just refuse to take that chance...
I told her that I understand she's going through shit and that I truly do want to be there for her and want to make her feel better, but that I've tried everything I can to do that and at this point, I'm just tired of feeling like shit and a failure right along next to her. It's shitty to say it like that... because in reality this is the only woman I've ever wanted to work through anything with...anybody else I would have just tossed to the side...
Hell she's the reason I'm on medication... after my last manic phase... the one that caused me to do dumb shit that tore our relationship apart...it caused me to realize the sabotage I was doing to myself and to us... and well it was her that when i did accept the fact that I need help and I need meds said, hey... if you ever stop taking meds, I'm gone... which I dont doubt she would be. So I've talked to my doctor and she knows that there is the chance I'll lose my insurance, if that happens she's got a program in place where I can continue to get my meds and she said she will work something out to where I can continue to see her...even my therapist agreed to continue seeing me if I lose my insurance due to this company buyout thing... I just think that's awesome...
The past couple of days since the scale of 1 to ten conversation my partner/fiance has come home in a much better frame of mind... I don't know if she is just doing it for my benefit or if she is truly feeling better...I hope it's because she is truly beginning to feel better...but I am starting to see the old her... I don't want to lose her, but I had for a while to a dark place and I feared there was no getting her back. I think at this point it is a time will tell mission.
I finished a great book the other day called Where are the Cocoa Puffs by Karen Winter Shwartz or something like that about a family's journey dealing with bipolar disorder....it was pretty good--I liked it.
And I heard something that warmed my heart. I was telling my neighbor across the street (I've recently moved back in with my mom because my partner lost her job and my job is soon to come to an end because of a company buy out if I havent already mentioned that... so we didn't renew our lease and opted to crash at moms until we figure out our next move) Well my mom's neighbor across the street is also bipolar... she has always stayed on her meds religiously, but she was diagnosed much later in life that I was so perhaps that made it easier for her, i don't know--everyone's situations are different I suppose. But anyway, while talking to her and my mom on the back porch with my friend Julie, before heading over to my brothers house for a party he was having my mom urged me to tell the neighbor the awesome news about my meds... at that point I shared with her about how we had finally after 11 years found the perfect cocktail of medications for me and I've actually not missed a single dose in the almost 5 months of seeing the doctor I've been seeing... the neighbor shared in the excitement and even my mom seemed to glow which I found to be odd and I couldn't quite understand... Then she explained to the neighbor that after her schizophrenic brother had killed himself in 1999, (I was diagnosed I guess around 2000)... and the fact she could never get me to stick with any meds... it was a good 10 years that she was on pins and needs and had a sinking feeling in her stomach worring that she'd get a phone call that I had done the same thing...because lets face it a good majority of bipolar people do end up killing themselves. So to hear how much relief me being on and sticking with my meds was bringing my mom really did make me feel good... I was like, damn, if I had only ever thought of anyone else maybe this whole journey would have been a little easier, but the problem was, it wasn't that I was ever being selfish... it truly was that my brain never gave me that option...does that make sense.
On top of that my partner has been going through some serious shit. She did finally get a job, but she hates it. She's had a constant black cloud around her and has been a total debbie downer...she's constantly snapping and yelling at me and just on edge ALL the time... she's picked up "stress" smoking, though looking at the number of cigarettes left in the pack it seems to be more serious in my opinion and I guess that I just always assumed that when I started feeling better and got "balanced" that she'd be happy at the same time you know and unfortunately that isn't the case... I finally had to tell her the other night after she questioned why I took a xanax at work the other day (she had called shortly after I took one and wanted to know why I sounded differently, lol so I told her)...
I explained that on a scale from 1 to 10 one being depressed and ten being manic the type of bipolar i have I've always hung out closer to 1...and no matter how much medication I have pumping through my veins I could very easily get sucked right back into the 1 range if I'm constantly surrounded by her downer attituded, her constant yelling at me and I can't do anything right attitude and that I love her and want to be there for, but I've come to terms with the fact that I'm at a point where i have to throw my hands up and walk away from whatever the hell she's going through and let her work it out on her own... I said it's just like me not drinking... I said I could probably have A beer and not die... I said but because i finally have the right combination of meds in my system, I'm too fucking scared to risk that something as simple as one beer or one glass of wine could fuck up the whole chemical utopia I have happening inside of me and I just refuse to take that chance...
I told her that I understand she's going through shit and that I truly do want to be there for her and want to make her feel better, but that I've tried everything I can to do that and at this point, I'm just tired of feeling like shit and a failure right along next to her. It's shitty to say it like that... because in reality this is the only woman I've ever wanted to work through anything with...anybody else I would have just tossed to the side...
Hell she's the reason I'm on medication... after my last manic phase... the one that caused me to do dumb shit that tore our relationship apart...it caused me to realize the sabotage I was doing to myself and to us... and well it was her that when i did accept the fact that I need help and I need meds said, hey... if you ever stop taking meds, I'm gone... which I dont doubt she would be. So I've talked to my doctor and she knows that there is the chance I'll lose my insurance, if that happens she's got a program in place where I can continue to get my meds and she said she will work something out to where I can continue to see her...even my therapist agreed to continue seeing me if I lose my insurance due to this company buyout thing... I just think that's awesome...
The past couple of days since the scale of 1 to ten conversation my partner/fiance has come home in a much better frame of mind... I don't know if she is just doing it for my benefit or if she is truly feeling better...I hope it's because she is truly beginning to feel better...but I am starting to see the old her... I don't want to lose her, but I had for a while to a dark place and I feared there was no getting her back. I think at this point it is a time will tell mission.
Monday, June 27, 2011
Celebration
People celebrate for many different reasons... I am celebrating something very special to me... AFTER 11 YEARS OF TRYING (though not consistently)... it would seem that for now at least my doctor and I have found the right balance of medications for me :) I have been cleared for now and don't have to go and see her for another three months (instead of every two to three weeks), unless something goes wrong and I feel like something is out of whack and then I can call and schedule an appointment any time before then.
This is a totally big deal for me... It took about 4 months but I got here :) I was patient and I did it :) this is a huge freaking step for me and I am soooooo excited. I just don't think anyone around me gets how big of a deal this really is, lol. My sister calls me regularly to tell me about her weight loss, she's down almost 70 pounds now, and sure I'm proud of her, though most of the time I'm sure she's just gloating at this point... so I called her to tell her of my psychological breath through... and I said, hey I might still be fat, but I'm balanced woohoo... she was like, yeah that's definitely better than fat and crazy. (bitch)
Fuck it... I'm happy. I'm proud of myself, even if no one else gets it. I've never been here before and this is a huge milestone for me. I haven't drank any alcohol in months and while I never really had a problem with it, I gave it up because I didn't want it to interfere with the medication(s) working... I haven't done any kind of drugs IN YEARS... my only problem now a days is food and not exercising so I guess after I finish moving and surviving the current stressors in my life... I will conquer those obstacles... because the thing that I used to consider an evil beast--medication, is now nothing more than a tamed teddy bear.
How exciting.
This is a totally big deal for me... It took about 4 months but I got here :) I was patient and I did it :) this is a huge freaking step for me and I am soooooo excited. I just don't think anyone around me gets how big of a deal this really is, lol. My sister calls me regularly to tell me about her weight loss, she's down almost 70 pounds now, and sure I'm proud of her, though most of the time I'm sure she's just gloating at this point... so I called her to tell her of my psychological breath through... and I said, hey I might still be fat, but I'm balanced woohoo... she was like, yeah that's definitely better than fat and crazy. (bitch)
Fuck it... I'm happy. I'm proud of myself, even if no one else gets it. I've never been here before and this is a huge milestone for me. I haven't drank any alcohol in months and while I never really had a problem with it, I gave it up because I didn't want it to interfere with the medication(s) working... I haven't done any kind of drugs IN YEARS... my only problem now a days is food and not exercising so I guess after I finish moving and surviving the current stressors in my life... I will conquer those obstacles... because the thing that I used to consider an evil beast--medication, is now nothing more than a tamed teddy bear.
How exciting.
Tuesday, June 21, 2011
sleep patterns
I've been taking my meds on a regular schedule...What I'm noticing lately and I think it's because of the amount of stress and anxiety I have on my plate right now (which I'm handling quite well, but may be affecting my sleep patterns).. .is the following...
5:00-6:30 am (closer to 6:30 am on my days off...)
100 mg Topamax
300 mg Wellbutrin
pill for acid reflux
B12
8:30-10:00 pm
300 mg Topamax
I'm thinking of pushing the Topamax to closer to maybe 6 or 7 to see if it won't make me more sleepy earlier in the evening because I'm finding myself laying in bed, my body wore our but my brain and eyeballs like wired and ready to go...
Then in the morning... I'm waking up ten to thirty minutes prior to my alarm going off... so getting up at like 4:30 in the morning... is RIDICULOUS, especially on days when you don't have work... AND NOT BEING ABLE TO GO BACK TO SLEEP EVEN MORE SO... but then needing a nap a few hours later and not being able to get one is crucial...
I have to go back to the doctor next Monday... she wanted to give me something to help me sleep then, but I didn't want it, if I tell her this she is probably going to insist... the thing is I'm still getting enough sleep, it's just weird... like right now I'm yawning and my body feels tired and my mind feels like it didn't get enough sleep because the stressors in my life right now are causing really vivid awful dreams so I'm not getting that normal coma like sleep that I get on these meds... and its been like that for a week now... I'm sure I'll figure it out...
5:00-6:30 am (closer to 6:30 am on my days off...)
100 mg Topamax
300 mg Wellbutrin
pill for acid reflux
B12
8:30-10:00 pm
300 mg Topamax
I'm thinking of pushing the Topamax to closer to maybe 6 or 7 to see if it won't make me more sleepy earlier in the evening because I'm finding myself laying in bed, my body wore our but my brain and eyeballs like wired and ready to go...
Then in the morning... I'm waking up ten to thirty minutes prior to my alarm going off... so getting up at like 4:30 in the morning... is RIDICULOUS, especially on days when you don't have work... AND NOT BEING ABLE TO GO BACK TO SLEEP EVEN MORE SO... but then needing a nap a few hours later and not being able to get one is crucial...
I have to go back to the doctor next Monday... she wanted to give me something to help me sleep then, but I didn't want it, if I tell her this she is probably going to insist... the thing is I'm still getting enough sleep, it's just weird... like right now I'm yawning and my body feels tired and my mind feels like it didn't get enough sleep because the stressors in my life right now are causing really vivid awful dreams so I'm not getting that normal coma like sleep that I get on these meds... and its been like that for a week now... I'm sure I'll figure it out...
Wednesday, June 15, 2011
Stress Management
Yesterday, after nearly a month of drama in her work place and a sense of lingering doom my partner was fired from her job... she had worked for her company for 13 years. On top of that she disclosed some details to me that while I'm not going to share them here would on a normal day, probably sent me over the edge...
But this wasn't a normal day. You see... this was a balanced day... these are becoming more of the norm, which is a good thing... so needless to say stress management is becoming more like second nature. Hell, yesterday my partner asked me how I was taking everything so calmly, how I was so positive about the whole thing; how after what she had just told me I wasn't ready to rip her head off...
Two things really: 1. Medication (the right dosage for me, getting there finally)... and 2. I thought back to my most recent episode of mania and all the shit I had put her through and how I'd be a complete and total hypocrite to flip my lid or call her out on something that she didn't even do on a scale nearly as bad as I had just done months prior...
I was more hurt to notice that she didn't come home with a painting I had done for her on her first birthday we celebrated together... I was already planning to go to work and ask someone to take it down and give it to me... later when I asked about it she told me a story about how months ago during a break up spell (our only one in three years (which happens to coincide with my only manic episode) while she was hurting, she destroyed the canvas and all that the canvas was... she had apparently forgot this fact until her assistant reminded her when she started looking for it because it wasn't up on the wall anymore... (I had been asking about it for a while)...
This is what it looked like: (at least I took at picture of it, lol... it's simple... I just like the colors of it)...
It's funny to me out of everything, I was most hurt that she destroyed something I made for her...not that she was fired, not the confession she told me, not anything from the entire day... just the fact that my artwork was a destroyed... I felt like a piece of me had been destroyed... a piece of me that I had given her... it's dumb I know, but that's how it felt at that moment...It can always be repainted should I choose to... it's just paint and canvas...At least my stress management is under control. Today there is a bit of an knot in my stomach and reality is setting in ... I'm a little anxious, but not to the point of a xanax by any means... I'm going to go do some manual labor in the warehouse to take my mind off of it. In time, this too shall pass.
But this wasn't a normal day. You see... this was a balanced day... these are becoming more of the norm, which is a good thing... so needless to say stress management is becoming more like second nature. Hell, yesterday my partner asked me how I was taking everything so calmly, how I was so positive about the whole thing; how after what she had just told me I wasn't ready to rip her head off...
Two things really: 1. Medication (the right dosage for me, getting there finally)... and 2. I thought back to my most recent episode of mania and all the shit I had put her through and how I'd be a complete and total hypocrite to flip my lid or call her out on something that she didn't even do on a scale nearly as bad as I had just done months prior...
I was more hurt to notice that she didn't come home with a painting I had done for her on her first birthday we celebrated together... I was already planning to go to work and ask someone to take it down and give it to me... later when I asked about it she told me a story about how months ago during a break up spell (our only one in three years (which happens to coincide with my only manic episode) while she was hurting, she destroyed the canvas and all that the canvas was... she had apparently forgot this fact until her assistant reminded her when she started looking for it because it wasn't up on the wall anymore... (I had been asking about it for a while)...
This is what it looked like: (at least I took at picture of it, lol... it's simple... I just like the colors of it)...
It's funny to me out of everything, I was most hurt that she destroyed something I made for her...not that she was fired, not the confession she told me, not anything from the entire day... just the fact that my artwork was a destroyed... I felt like a piece of me had been destroyed... a piece of me that I had given her... it's dumb I know, but that's how it felt at that moment...It can always be repainted should I choose to... it's just paint and canvas...At least my stress management is under control. Today there is a bit of an knot in my stomach and reality is setting in ... I'm a little anxious, but not to the point of a xanax by any means... I'm going to go do some manual labor in the warehouse to take my mind off of it. In time, this too shall pass.
Tuesday, June 7, 2011
Wellbutrin update
Okay... So I've been feeling good... not down at all, not agitated at all so that is all good... I have been thirsty as a bitch thought OH MY GOD... and considering its been in the nineties here and I work in a warehouse with no a/c which is always way hotter than it is outside you can imagine how more thirsty I am... I drank over three liters of water before three o'clock yesterday... but I'm just thirsty in general...
I'm having a hard time falling asleep...but I am still sleeping...it just takes me a while... but I'm happy and thats what matters... if it keeps up I'll just have to get something to help me sleep..
Overall I'm happy with it... I get a lil bit of nausea... here and there, but nothing serious, not a bad fit so far.
I'm having a hard time falling asleep...but I am still sleeping...it just takes me a while... but I'm happy and thats what matters... if it keeps up I'll just have to get something to help me sleep..
Overall I'm happy with it... I get a lil bit of nausea... here and there, but nothing serious, not a bad fit so far.
Thursday, June 2, 2011
some new stuff to the mix
Okay so I've had to add some new meds to the mix and while I don't LOVE the idea and I know that it all has a purpose in the long run. I sat with my psychiatrist yesterday and had a quasi-meltdown... I sat there in tears and explained to her that everything that I had just explained to her two weeks prior was much worse and how I hated being a control freak who was in fact NEVER IN FUCKING CONTROL.
This is a problem. Granted, I'm not at my lowest... I don't want to get there. I guess the fact that I'm much more depressed here lately than I have been has me concerned and just down right freaked the hell out because I feel like if this lingering sense of doom has been following me around for a while now, what the hell is keeping it from smothering me and turning into a full on episode and consuming me--taking on the form of a riptide to which no life guard can save me... this is very scary stuff. Apparently, I've had way too much time to be alone with my thoughts... way too much time, lol.
So anyway, back to the point... I explained to her that I was still overly agitated... I mean hell, I'm picking fights with me and my partner's seven year old son... REALLY? Real grown up... but I swear just his tone was putting me over the edge, his runny nose, hell anything and everything can set me off these days... I even yell at my dog for being needy... and I LOVE my dog... there is lot more to this story and I'm being a bit lazy and all over the place but my doc knew where I was coming from because we've had this conversation before.
Essentially, the first medication she put me on was a no go... I had problems staying awake and waking up on it and with my job and operating heavy equipment...not to mention being to work to start my shift at 6 am, that one was a no brainer and she pulled me off... the mood stabilizer I've been on for over two months now seems to be doing okay overall... she's not convinced it's the perfect perfect fit for me but I like it overall so we're sticking with it and considering that i've never in my 11 years thus far stuck with any medication for more than two months thats saying something (awful I know... but I always got tired of being a fucking guinea pig and never actually getting better)...
Well after missing two days of a three day work week for just not anal glaucoma... (not being able to see my ass going to work) I just couldn't do it.... I went to my appointment and she decided to go ahead and put me on an antidepressant in addition to the mood stabilizer...
Topamax
Wellbutrin
I also started taking B-12 today too to help with energy and metabolism, my doc said it wasn't a bad idea... though she said maybe that B complex was a good option as well because it was more complete... I dunno.
Today was great overall. Hey, even if it's in my head I didn't feel as bad as I have the past couple of weeks...
I'm thinking after putting lil man on the bus in the morning if I'm feeling like I am right now I might even go to the gym... I dunno. Hell, the way I see it is I could be popping sugar pills at this point but I feel okay. Could be coincidence.... could be a lot of things... for now I'll just take the universe's gift of a good damn day :)
I just would love to stumble upon a magic lantern with a genie in it... I wouldn't need three wishes, only one... I'd just wish for stability--- just to be able to wake up and know that my days would be okay, I wouldn't have to worry about an off day EVER... granted nothing is perfect on any level, but I would just love that you know... I'm not dumb... I know it's impossible... but who wouldn't want that? Who?
This is a problem. Granted, I'm not at my lowest... I don't want to get there. I guess the fact that I'm much more depressed here lately than I have been has me concerned and just down right freaked the hell out because I feel like if this lingering sense of doom has been following me around for a while now, what the hell is keeping it from smothering me and turning into a full on episode and consuming me--taking on the form of a riptide to which no life guard can save me... this is very scary stuff. Apparently, I've had way too much time to be alone with my thoughts... way too much time, lol.
So anyway, back to the point... I explained to her that I was still overly agitated... I mean hell, I'm picking fights with me and my partner's seven year old son... REALLY? Real grown up... but I swear just his tone was putting me over the edge, his runny nose, hell anything and everything can set me off these days... I even yell at my dog for being needy... and I LOVE my dog... there is lot more to this story and I'm being a bit lazy and all over the place but my doc knew where I was coming from because we've had this conversation before.
Essentially, the first medication she put me on was a no go... I had problems staying awake and waking up on it and with my job and operating heavy equipment...not to mention being to work to start my shift at 6 am, that one was a no brainer and she pulled me off... the mood stabilizer I've been on for over two months now seems to be doing okay overall... she's not convinced it's the perfect perfect fit for me but I like it overall so we're sticking with it and considering that i've never in my 11 years thus far stuck with any medication for more than two months thats saying something (awful I know... but I always got tired of being a fucking guinea pig and never actually getting better)...
Well after missing two days of a three day work week for just not anal glaucoma... (not being able to see my ass going to work) I just couldn't do it.... I went to my appointment and she decided to go ahead and put me on an antidepressant in addition to the mood stabilizer...
Topamax
Wellbutrin
I also started taking B-12 today too to help with energy and metabolism, my doc said it wasn't a bad idea... though she said maybe that B complex was a good option as well because it was more complete... I dunno.
Today was great overall. Hey, even if it's in my head I didn't feel as bad as I have the past couple of weeks...
I'm thinking after putting lil man on the bus in the morning if I'm feeling like I am right now I might even go to the gym... I dunno. Hell, the way I see it is I could be popping sugar pills at this point but I feel okay. Could be coincidence.... could be a lot of things... for now I'll just take the universe's gift of a good damn day :)
I just would love to stumble upon a magic lantern with a genie in it... I wouldn't need three wishes, only one... I'd just wish for stability--- just to be able to wake up and know that my days would be okay, I wouldn't have to worry about an off day EVER... granted nothing is perfect on any level, but I would just love that you know... I'm not dumb... I know it's impossible... but who wouldn't want that? Who?
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