People celebrate for many different reasons... I am celebrating something very special to me... AFTER 11 YEARS OF TRYING (though not consistently)... it would seem that for now at least my doctor and I have found the right balance of medications for me :) I have been cleared for now and don't have to go and see her for another three months (instead of every two to three weeks), unless something goes wrong and I feel like something is out of whack and then I can call and schedule an appointment any time before then.
This is a totally big deal for me... It took about 4 months but I got here :) I was patient and I did it :) this is a huge freaking step for me and I am soooooo excited. I just don't think anyone around me gets how big of a deal this really is, lol. My sister calls me regularly to tell me about her weight loss, she's down almost 70 pounds now, and sure I'm proud of her, though most of the time I'm sure she's just gloating at this point... so I called her to tell her of my psychological breath through... and I said, hey I might still be fat, but I'm balanced woohoo... she was like, yeah that's definitely better than fat and crazy. (bitch)
Fuck it... I'm happy. I'm proud of myself, even if no one else gets it. I've never been here before and this is a huge milestone for me. I haven't drank any alcohol in months and while I never really had a problem with it, I gave it up because I didn't want it to interfere with the medication(s) working... I haven't done any kind of drugs IN YEARS... my only problem now a days is food and not exercising so I guess after I finish moving and surviving the current stressors in my life... I will conquer those obstacles... because the thing that I used to consider an evil beast--medication, is now nothing more than a tamed teddy bear.
How exciting.
Monday, June 27, 2011
Tuesday, June 21, 2011
sleep patterns
I've been taking my meds on a regular schedule...What I'm noticing lately and I think it's because of the amount of stress and anxiety I have on my plate right now (which I'm handling quite well, but may be affecting my sleep patterns).. .is the following...
5:00-6:30 am (closer to 6:30 am on my days off...)
100 mg Topamax
300 mg Wellbutrin
pill for acid reflux
B12
8:30-10:00 pm
300 mg Topamax
I'm thinking of pushing the Topamax to closer to maybe 6 or 7 to see if it won't make me more sleepy earlier in the evening because I'm finding myself laying in bed, my body wore our but my brain and eyeballs like wired and ready to go...
Then in the morning... I'm waking up ten to thirty minutes prior to my alarm going off... so getting up at like 4:30 in the morning... is RIDICULOUS, especially on days when you don't have work... AND NOT BEING ABLE TO GO BACK TO SLEEP EVEN MORE SO... but then needing a nap a few hours later and not being able to get one is crucial...
I have to go back to the doctor next Monday... she wanted to give me something to help me sleep then, but I didn't want it, if I tell her this she is probably going to insist... the thing is I'm still getting enough sleep, it's just weird... like right now I'm yawning and my body feels tired and my mind feels like it didn't get enough sleep because the stressors in my life right now are causing really vivid awful dreams so I'm not getting that normal coma like sleep that I get on these meds... and its been like that for a week now... I'm sure I'll figure it out...
5:00-6:30 am (closer to 6:30 am on my days off...)
100 mg Topamax
300 mg Wellbutrin
pill for acid reflux
B12
8:30-10:00 pm
300 mg Topamax
I'm thinking of pushing the Topamax to closer to maybe 6 or 7 to see if it won't make me more sleepy earlier in the evening because I'm finding myself laying in bed, my body wore our but my brain and eyeballs like wired and ready to go...
Then in the morning... I'm waking up ten to thirty minutes prior to my alarm going off... so getting up at like 4:30 in the morning... is RIDICULOUS, especially on days when you don't have work... AND NOT BEING ABLE TO GO BACK TO SLEEP EVEN MORE SO... but then needing a nap a few hours later and not being able to get one is crucial...
I have to go back to the doctor next Monday... she wanted to give me something to help me sleep then, but I didn't want it, if I tell her this she is probably going to insist... the thing is I'm still getting enough sleep, it's just weird... like right now I'm yawning and my body feels tired and my mind feels like it didn't get enough sleep because the stressors in my life right now are causing really vivid awful dreams so I'm not getting that normal coma like sleep that I get on these meds... and its been like that for a week now... I'm sure I'll figure it out...
Wednesday, June 15, 2011
Stress Management
Yesterday, after nearly a month of drama in her work place and a sense of lingering doom my partner was fired from her job... she had worked for her company for 13 years. On top of that she disclosed some details to me that while I'm not going to share them here would on a normal day, probably sent me over the edge...
But this wasn't a normal day. You see... this was a balanced day... these are becoming more of the norm, which is a good thing... so needless to say stress management is becoming more like second nature. Hell, yesterday my partner asked me how I was taking everything so calmly, how I was so positive about the whole thing; how after what she had just told me I wasn't ready to rip her head off...
Two things really: 1. Medication (the right dosage for me, getting there finally)... and 2. I thought back to my most recent episode of mania and all the shit I had put her through and how I'd be a complete and total hypocrite to flip my lid or call her out on something that she didn't even do on a scale nearly as bad as I had just done months prior...
I was more hurt to notice that she didn't come home with a painting I had done for her on her first birthday we celebrated together... I was already planning to go to work and ask someone to take it down and give it to me... later when I asked about it she told me a story about how months ago during a break up spell (our only one in three years (which happens to coincide with my only manic episode) while she was hurting, she destroyed the canvas and all that the canvas was... she had apparently forgot this fact until her assistant reminded her when she started looking for it because it wasn't up on the wall anymore... (I had been asking about it for a while)...
This is what it looked like: (at least I took at picture of it, lol... it's simple... I just like the colors of it)...
It's funny to me out of everything, I was most hurt that she destroyed something I made for her...not that she was fired, not the confession she told me, not anything from the entire day... just the fact that my artwork was a destroyed... I felt like a piece of me had been destroyed... a piece of me that I had given her... it's dumb I know, but that's how it felt at that moment...It can always be repainted should I choose to... it's just paint and canvas...At least my stress management is under control. Today there is a bit of an knot in my stomach and reality is setting in ... I'm a little anxious, but not to the point of a xanax by any means... I'm going to go do some manual labor in the warehouse to take my mind off of it. In time, this too shall pass.
But this wasn't a normal day. You see... this was a balanced day... these are becoming more of the norm, which is a good thing... so needless to say stress management is becoming more like second nature. Hell, yesterday my partner asked me how I was taking everything so calmly, how I was so positive about the whole thing; how after what she had just told me I wasn't ready to rip her head off...
Two things really: 1. Medication (the right dosage for me, getting there finally)... and 2. I thought back to my most recent episode of mania and all the shit I had put her through and how I'd be a complete and total hypocrite to flip my lid or call her out on something that she didn't even do on a scale nearly as bad as I had just done months prior...
I was more hurt to notice that she didn't come home with a painting I had done for her on her first birthday we celebrated together... I was already planning to go to work and ask someone to take it down and give it to me... later when I asked about it she told me a story about how months ago during a break up spell (our only one in three years (which happens to coincide with my only manic episode) while she was hurting, she destroyed the canvas and all that the canvas was... she had apparently forgot this fact until her assistant reminded her when she started looking for it because it wasn't up on the wall anymore... (I had been asking about it for a while)...
This is what it looked like: (at least I took at picture of it, lol... it's simple... I just like the colors of it)...
It's funny to me out of everything, I was most hurt that she destroyed something I made for her...not that she was fired, not the confession she told me, not anything from the entire day... just the fact that my artwork was a destroyed... I felt like a piece of me had been destroyed... a piece of me that I had given her... it's dumb I know, but that's how it felt at that moment...It can always be repainted should I choose to... it's just paint and canvas...At least my stress management is under control. Today there is a bit of an knot in my stomach and reality is setting in ... I'm a little anxious, but not to the point of a xanax by any means... I'm going to go do some manual labor in the warehouse to take my mind off of it. In time, this too shall pass.
Tuesday, June 7, 2011
Wellbutrin update
Okay... So I've been feeling good... not down at all, not agitated at all so that is all good... I have been thirsty as a bitch thought OH MY GOD... and considering its been in the nineties here and I work in a warehouse with no a/c which is always way hotter than it is outside you can imagine how more thirsty I am... I drank over three liters of water before three o'clock yesterday... but I'm just thirsty in general...
I'm having a hard time falling asleep...but I am still sleeping...it just takes me a while... but I'm happy and thats what matters... if it keeps up I'll just have to get something to help me sleep..
Overall I'm happy with it... I get a lil bit of nausea... here and there, but nothing serious, not a bad fit so far.
I'm having a hard time falling asleep...but I am still sleeping...it just takes me a while... but I'm happy and thats what matters... if it keeps up I'll just have to get something to help me sleep..
Overall I'm happy with it... I get a lil bit of nausea... here and there, but nothing serious, not a bad fit so far.
Thursday, June 2, 2011
some new stuff to the mix
Okay so I've had to add some new meds to the mix and while I don't LOVE the idea and I know that it all has a purpose in the long run. I sat with my psychiatrist yesterday and had a quasi-meltdown... I sat there in tears and explained to her that everything that I had just explained to her two weeks prior was much worse and how I hated being a control freak who was in fact NEVER IN FUCKING CONTROL.
This is a problem. Granted, I'm not at my lowest... I don't want to get there. I guess the fact that I'm much more depressed here lately than I have been has me concerned and just down right freaked the hell out because I feel like if this lingering sense of doom has been following me around for a while now, what the hell is keeping it from smothering me and turning into a full on episode and consuming me--taking on the form of a riptide to which no life guard can save me... this is very scary stuff. Apparently, I've had way too much time to be alone with my thoughts... way too much time, lol.
So anyway, back to the point... I explained to her that I was still overly agitated... I mean hell, I'm picking fights with me and my partner's seven year old son... REALLY? Real grown up... but I swear just his tone was putting me over the edge, his runny nose, hell anything and everything can set me off these days... I even yell at my dog for being needy... and I LOVE my dog... there is lot more to this story and I'm being a bit lazy and all over the place but my doc knew where I was coming from because we've had this conversation before.
Essentially, the first medication she put me on was a no go... I had problems staying awake and waking up on it and with my job and operating heavy equipment...not to mention being to work to start my shift at 6 am, that one was a no brainer and she pulled me off... the mood stabilizer I've been on for over two months now seems to be doing okay overall... she's not convinced it's the perfect perfect fit for me but I like it overall so we're sticking with it and considering that i've never in my 11 years thus far stuck with any medication for more than two months thats saying something (awful I know... but I always got tired of being a fucking guinea pig and never actually getting better)...
Well after missing two days of a three day work week for just not anal glaucoma... (not being able to see my ass going to work) I just couldn't do it.... I went to my appointment and she decided to go ahead and put me on an antidepressant in addition to the mood stabilizer...
Topamax
Wellbutrin
I also started taking B-12 today too to help with energy and metabolism, my doc said it wasn't a bad idea... though she said maybe that B complex was a good option as well because it was more complete... I dunno.
Today was great overall. Hey, even if it's in my head I didn't feel as bad as I have the past couple of weeks...
I'm thinking after putting lil man on the bus in the morning if I'm feeling like I am right now I might even go to the gym... I dunno. Hell, the way I see it is I could be popping sugar pills at this point but I feel okay. Could be coincidence.... could be a lot of things... for now I'll just take the universe's gift of a good damn day :)
I just would love to stumble upon a magic lantern with a genie in it... I wouldn't need three wishes, only one... I'd just wish for stability--- just to be able to wake up and know that my days would be okay, I wouldn't have to worry about an off day EVER... granted nothing is perfect on any level, but I would just love that you know... I'm not dumb... I know it's impossible... but who wouldn't want that? Who?
This is a problem. Granted, I'm not at my lowest... I don't want to get there. I guess the fact that I'm much more depressed here lately than I have been has me concerned and just down right freaked the hell out because I feel like if this lingering sense of doom has been following me around for a while now, what the hell is keeping it from smothering me and turning into a full on episode and consuming me--taking on the form of a riptide to which no life guard can save me... this is very scary stuff. Apparently, I've had way too much time to be alone with my thoughts... way too much time, lol.
So anyway, back to the point... I explained to her that I was still overly agitated... I mean hell, I'm picking fights with me and my partner's seven year old son... REALLY? Real grown up... but I swear just his tone was putting me over the edge, his runny nose, hell anything and everything can set me off these days... I even yell at my dog for being needy... and I LOVE my dog... there is lot more to this story and I'm being a bit lazy and all over the place but my doc knew where I was coming from because we've had this conversation before.
Essentially, the first medication she put me on was a no go... I had problems staying awake and waking up on it and with my job and operating heavy equipment...not to mention being to work to start my shift at 6 am, that one was a no brainer and she pulled me off... the mood stabilizer I've been on for over two months now seems to be doing okay overall... she's not convinced it's the perfect perfect fit for me but I like it overall so we're sticking with it and considering that i've never in my 11 years thus far stuck with any medication for more than two months thats saying something (awful I know... but I always got tired of being a fucking guinea pig and never actually getting better)...
Well after missing two days of a three day work week for just not anal glaucoma... (not being able to see my ass going to work) I just couldn't do it.... I went to my appointment and she decided to go ahead and put me on an antidepressant in addition to the mood stabilizer...
Topamax
Wellbutrin
I also started taking B-12 today too to help with energy and metabolism, my doc said it wasn't a bad idea... though she said maybe that B complex was a good option as well because it was more complete... I dunno.
Today was great overall. Hey, even if it's in my head I didn't feel as bad as I have the past couple of weeks...
I'm thinking after putting lil man on the bus in the morning if I'm feeling like I am right now I might even go to the gym... I dunno. Hell, the way I see it is I could be popping sugar pills at this point but I feel okay. Could be coincidence.... could be a lot of things... for now I'll just take the universe's gift of a good damn day :)
I just would love to stumble upon a magic lantern with a genie in it... I wouldn't need three wishes, only one... I'd just wish for stability--- just to be able to wake up and know that my days would be okay, I wouldn't have to worry about an off day EVER... granted nothing is perfect on any level, but I would just love that you know... I'm not dumb... I know it's impossible... but who wouldn't want that? Who?
Tuesday, May 31, 2011
red flag
I've been noticing something a lot more lately... little things here and there but I may be delusional and it's time to come to terms with a few things.
I think that when I first started taking this medication I wanted a lot of things to be happening... one... weight loss... I've come to terms with the fact that no pill is just going to just magically make me skinny--especially when being treating bipolar disorder. Fuck. Sure that's a downer...but perhaps one day I'll actually get the balance right and then I'll use my gym membership and or consistently take my dog for a walk, or do something active more than one day a week.
The point is that while this medicine is keeping me a float its not doing everything it should. There is still this dark shadow following me around. No, I'm not deeply depressed and yes, I am functioning, but hell, I was functioning before I agreed with myself to go back on my meds... If you look it like that... Ive been functioning since I was diagnosed about eleven years ago.
That's the problem. I have evolved... I have develped this keen ability to be in the midst of an episode be it high or low and still be a completely "normal" functioning" adult for the most part... hell my last episode didn't even send red flags up for my family and friends and I was COMPLETELY out of fucking character... and by the time I realized it I had already scheduled an appointment with a therapist, started meds, made it through the death of my grandfather, was on the mends with my now fiance before my parents and sister even realized anything was wrong and my family had always been the ones that I relied upon to realize the red flags when I couldn't see them.
Unfortunately, there are times when your support system have own lives to tend to and you live further away than usual and aren't the first thing on their minds... it's not their fault that this happens... hell in reality you should always be on the meds, you should always be checking in with your doctor, and therapist and have a support system that is unbiased and NOT friends and family, or rather is in ADDITION to friends and family, but I fell short on this one... and well... everything happens for a reason... because right before my thirtieth birthday I had what I felt was my worst episode... no, not my most destructive or catrastrophic, but for me at this point in my life, just my worst. And I hated myself for it.
I can't dwell on it, because that isn't going to solve anything really, I have to move forward, and hell right now I'm digressing... but I apparently needed to vent. The point is that right now I feel like something is lacking and I have a shadow of gloom stalking me everywhere I go. I go through the motions and act as if everything is honkey doorey but really it isn't. I'm easily agitated... I wanna scream and shout, slam doors, shake me and my partners son every time he rolls his eyes at me... i'm overly sensitive and feel like I can't talk to my partner because she just doesn't get this stuff... like any moment she'll peace out because it's too much for her to handle.
Well last night I finally talked to her. I told her exactly what was up. I told her that while I'm still taking my meds, that they aren't where they need to be. The last visit to the doc we didn't adjust the dosage becuase I'm at the highest dose, but we did alter how much at what part of the day I'm taking them becuase I'm lacking motivation. The doc said that the next step will probably be adding an anti depressant which of course is a concern for me because of potential sexual side effects... my partner asked if I really thought I needed an anti depressant and I had to chuckle... UM HELL YEAH... i need something... because right now I dont wanna go to work, i dont wanna get out of bed, i don't wanna do anything... even our trip to the beach, Cape Hatteras, NC (my second home this past weekend) brought me no joy which usually does even when I am depressed...it's like nothing makes me happy these days, but I put on a happy face...
Even the seven year old in the house is commenting on how I never seem to be happy anymore... I took a personal day from work today to work on my resume (which it's 12:30 pm and I haven't started yet)... I tried to take a nap, but couldn't turn my mind off, not in a manic way but in a I'm exhausted but feel too guilty to sleep kind of way...sucks really)... I did some praying--there are a lot of things on the horizon in my life... I'd like a different job, my partner needs to get the hell up out of her job, I dunno... right now I just need to get it together.
I have to do hair tonight. My old bosses mom... her hair gets done about every five weeks or so, I don't really feel like doing it, but since I told her last week Id do it, I can't really bail at this point... plus it will be like fifty bucks (translation... gas money)... not to mention there are some killer thrift stores out where she lives and I feel like some retail therapy... tomorrow is the doctor appointment... hopefully my doctor will hear me when I explain what I'm trying to tell her... I'm just not happy, I'm not miserable, but I'm not content either. It takes all my energy just getting out of bed, going to work and faking it... at first it was better.... but these past few weeks it's gotten worse... I don't know what the deal is... but something isn't working and dammit... I need help here. I don't want to have to fake it... If I'm faking it that means the chance of an "episode" is right around the corner and that's scary as hell...
RED FLAG RED FLAG RED FLAG
I think that when I first started taking this medication I wanted a lot of things to be happening... one... weight loss... I've come to terms with the fact that no pill is just going to just magically make me skinny--especially when being treating bipolar disorder. Fuck. Sure that's a downer...but perhaps one day I'll actually get the balance right and then I'll use my gym membership and or consistently take my dog for a walk, or do something active more than one day a week.
The point is that while this medicine is keeping me a float its not doing everything it should. There is still this dark shadow following me around. No, I'm not deeply depressed and yes, I am functioning, but hell, I was functioning before I agreed with myself to go back on my meds... If you look it like that... Ive been functioning since I was diagnosed about eleven years ago.
That's the problem. I have evolved... I have develped this keen ability to be in the midst of an episode be it high or low and still be a completely "normal" functioning" adult for the most part... hell my last episode didn't even send red flags up for my family and friends and I was COMPLETELY out of fucking character... and by the time I realized it I had already scheduled an appointment with a therapist, started meds, made it through the death of my grandfather, was on the mends with my now fiance before my parents and sister even realized anything was wrong and my family had always been the ones that I relied upon to realize the red flags when I couldn't see them.
Unfortunately, there are times when your support system have own lives to tend to and you live further away than usual and aren't the first thing on their minds... it's not their fault that this happens... hell in reality you should always be on the meds, you should always be checking in with your doctor, and therapist and have a support system that is unbiased and NOT friends and family, or rather is in ADDITION to friends and family, but I fell short on this one... and well... everything happens for a reason... because right before my thirtieth birthday I had what I felt was my worst episode... no, not my most destructive or catrastrophic, but for me at this point in my life, just my worst. And I hated myself for it.
I can't dwell on it, because that isn't going to solve anything really, I have to move forward, and hell right now I'm digressing... but I apparently needed to vent. The point is that right now I feel like something is lacking and I have a shadow of gloom stalking me everywhere I go. I go through the motions and act as if everything is honkey doorey but really it isn't. I'm easily agitated... I wanna scream and shout, slam doors, shake me and my partners son every time he rolls his eyes at me... i'm overly sensitive and feel like I can't talk to my partner because she just doesn't get this stuff... like any moment she'll peace out because it's too much for her to handle.
Well last night I finally talked to her. I told her exactly what was up. I told her that while I'm still taking my meds, that they aren't where they need to be. The last visit to the doc we didn't adjust the dosage becuase I'm at the highest dose, but we did alter how much at what part of the day I'm taking them becuase I'm lacking motivation. The doc said that the next step will probably be adding an anti depressant which of course is a concern for me because of potential sexual side effects... my partner asked if I really thought I needed an anti depressant and I had to chuckle... UM HELL YEAH... i need something... because right now I dont wanna go to work, i dont wanna get out of bed, i don't wanna do anything... even our trip to the beach, Cape Hatteras, NC (my second home this past weekend) brought me no joy which usually does even when I am depressed...it's like nothing makes me happy these days, but I put on a happy face...
Even the seven year old in the house is commenting on how I never seem to be happy anymore... I took a personal day from work today to work on my resume (which it's 12:30 pm and I haven't started yet)... I tried to take a nap, but couldn't turn my mind off, not in a manic way but in a I'm exhausted but feel too guilty to sleep kind of way...sucks really)... I did some praying--there are a lot of things on the horizon in my life... I'd like a different job, my partner needs to get the hell up out of her job, I dunno... right now I just need to get it together.
I have to do hair tonight. My old bosses mom... her hair gets done about every five weeks or so, I don't really feel like doing it, but since I told her last week Id do it, I can't really bail at this point... plus it will be like fifty bucks (translation... gas money)... not to mention there are some killer thrift stores out where she lives and I feel like some retail therapy... tomorrow is the doctor appointment... hopefully my doctor will hear me when I explain what I'm trying to tell her... I'm just not happy, I'm not miserable, but I'm not content either. It takes all my energy just getting out of bed, going to work and faking it... at first it was better.... but these past few weeks it's gotten worse... I don't know what the deal is... but something isn't working and dammit... I need help here. I don't want to have to fake it... If I'm faking it that means the chance of an "episode" is right around the corner and that's scary as hell...
RED FLAG RED FLAG RED FLAG
Monday, May 30, 2011
I read a great book
I read a book this weekend called "I'm Not Crazy, Just Bipolar" by Wendy K. Williamson
It didn't change my life, but it was awesome. I never get the chance to read anymore and when I do it seems to take me FOREVER TO DO... this one took me less than a day and a half (which includes me doing other stuff too)... I really really liked it.
I could really like it.
Basically this chick was diagnosed as being bipolar over 16 years ago 6 weeks before graduation from VA Tech and she tells her story from that point to the present... her ups and downs. It's not the boring old textbook style this is what bipolar disorder is... this is a real life account and for me personally it hit close to home. I personally recommend it. That may not mean much to anyone... but I thought it was great.
Check it out.
It didn't change my life, but it was awesome. I never get the chance to read anymore and when I do it seems to take me FOREVER TO DO... this one took me less than a day and a half (which includes me doing other stuff too)... I really really liked it.
I could really like it.
Basically this chick was diagnosed as being bipolar over 16 years ago 6 weeks before graduation from VA Tech and she tells her story from that point to the present... her ups and downs. It's not the boring old textbook style this is what bipolar disorder is... this is a real life account and for me personally it hit close to home. I personally recommend it. That may not mean much to anyone... but I thought it was great.
Check it out.
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